you stood at his front door, clearly intoxicated after going out with friends, and waited — hoped — for him to answer. so the two of you found yourselves awkwardly lingering in the kitchen. mark kept his distance from you, knowing this would be a huge setback in his healing. he didn’t want to see you but something told him to let you inside and he accepted.

“i’m sorry for coming over at this hour.” you apologized, looking at anything other than him. “i just.. i didn’t want-”

mark leaned against the refrigerator, “-you knew what you were doing, y/n.”

for the first time since the front door, you drew your eyes to meet his. he looked miserable. not a ‘i haven’t been eating or sleeping since you broke my heart’ miserable, but a ‘you’ve single-handedly ruined all progress i’ve made in four months’ miserable. the guilt began to eat you up inside.

“you knew that coming here would hurt me more than it would ever hurt you.”

your mouth hung open as you searched for the right words but nothing came of it. mark nodded as he confirmed his assumption. he wanted to be more angry than he actually was; wanted to scream and throw things around until he got his point across, but he wasn’t like that. he never had been.

“mark.”

a pitiful smile appeared on his face, “please don’t do this to me.”

you stepped forward, a hand reaching to grasp his arm, but he pulled away. the tears were starting to form in both your eyes yet mark was clearly more hurt. you knew what you did to him was beyond repairable and he was sure to let that sink in.

the high tension and emotions seemed to have broke you. sinking to the floor, with your head in your hands, you let out a sob. the wine you had previously overindulged in started to take over. all of the thoughts you had collected on the way to mark’s apartment suddenly disappeared and it frustrated you.

“why are you being like this? i’m trying to make things right.” you wailed.

mark just watched you, moving from the fridge to the edge of the counter with his arms crossed. he wouldn’t lie, it did still pain him to see you in such a state. part of him wanted so badly to hold you while you cried but he needed to protect himself. he refused to allow you to hurt him all over again.

“y/n, stop.” he whispered, hardly audible compared to your cries.

you pulled your knees to your chest, arms wrapped around them, as you looked up at the boy, “i really am sorry, mark. i know it’s too late for that to matter but..”

the tears appeared again, halting your explanations.

“had i heard that four months ago, it might have helped. hell, knowing how much i loved you, i probably would’ve just taken you back. but then you come here, drunk, after completely ghosting me and leaving me to suffer, and expect me to give in? i can’t..” he shakes his head. “and i won’t.”

the silence was heavy in the room. you could only stare at him, unable to get a single word out at his confession. he was right. you disappeared without too much of an explanation, ignoring his pleading texts for the first month and a half. they stopped after that.

he was trying to move on.

and maybe that’s why your utter selfishness lead you to his place a little past midnight. as terrible as it sounded, it hurt to know that he was becoming happy again without you. even after what you put him through. you were beyond selfish.

“i feel awful about what i did,” you wiped your cheeks. “but i felt it was the only way. you need to understand that i was struggling too. it wasn’t just-”

he looked at you in pure disbelief, “-you’re doing it again.”

“what?”

“playing the victim.”

mark took a step back and rubbed both hands across his face, trying to comprehend what the hell was going on. too much was happening at once and he felt as though his entire world was closing in on him for the second time. the anger built back up.

at last, you rose to your feet and sighed, “you know that’s not what i was trying to do.”

“just like i was supposed to know exactly what you were thinking when you vanished?” he raised his eyebrows. “then you show up after i’ve healed myself? after i spent countless nights crying myself to sleep on the floor? after i gave up everything i love because i physically couldn’t stand the thought of living another day?”

he let out a harsh chuckle, “you are the most despicable person i have ever met,” and looked you dead in the eyes. “and i mean that.”

your heart shattered with every word he spat out. he truly despised you. hatred seethed from every inch of his body and it was very evident. you did this to him. you turned him into somebody he never wanted to become when angry.

mark began pacing the floor, hands tugging at his hair, “get out.”

you didn’t move.

“get the fuck out!” he yelled, louder than he’d ever yelled before. “go! leave!”

now he was the one to fall to the ground, head between his knees to calm himself down. his breathes came out as gasps for air. you absolutely should have just left like he said, but something within you guided you to his side in mere seconds. the only touch he felt was your shoulder against his.

his sobs were muffled, “why? why would you hurt the one person who loved you more than anyone else?”

you didn’t give an answer. just silence.

“i gave all i had and you made me feel like it wasn’t enough. like i wasn’t enough.”

he needed to get it all out so you let him.

“part of me feels like i’ll never be able to trust someone again. i’m terrified of going through the same thing you did to me, with another person. i shouldn’t have to feel that way. i did nothing wrong.”

when he lifted his head to face you, he wished he hadn’t. you looked completely emotionless, like all those tears you cried previously were simply for show and now that he was the one upset, it no longer benefited you. his hands started to shake.

“you’re gonna piss me off again, y/n.” he whispered, defeated beyond measures.

you pursed your lips, “i want you to tell me what you’re thinking. every last thought you’ve had in the past four months. i’m not sitting here to interrupt and give my side anymore. so talk.”

mark shook his head and stood up, moving further away from where you sat. he paused for a short moment before disappearing down the hallway. you remained seated, unsure of whether or not you were supposed to follow. he returned a minute later, arms cradling a cardboard box. he set it on the counter.

“here’s your stuff.” his voice was ice cold. “i’m done talking.”

“come on, mark. we were making progress here.”

he laughed almost maniacally, “no, i was making progress. you clearly haven’t change a damn bit. i’m done going around in circles with you. here’s your shit. get out.”

you sighed and pondered on what else you could do to convince him. he seemed to be set in his ways and if there was one thing you knew about mark, it was that he stuck to his decision once it was made. so, with nothing left to say, you trekked towards the door.

mark was sure to grab the box you “forgot” and followed behind, “i don’t care what you do with it, but this isn’t staying here any longer.”

you turned around after stepping outside, “you really think you’re better than me, don’t you?”

“oh, i know i’m better than you. in every single way.” he leaned in closer, eyes narrowing in on you. “if i can go the rest of my life without seeing you ever again.. i’ll die happy.”

your jaw clenched, “you don’t mean that.”

“i don’t say shit that i don’t mean unlike you.”

with that, the door slammed shut and now you were the one left alone.

—