Somewhere In Neverland

It was my sixth day of First Grade at Beaumont Elementary in Devon, Pennsylvania 

I was a 5-year-old new kid 

Mrs. Kowalski was still learning our names 

The School Board decided not to tell the students what happened

Didn’t want 7000 children in a panic

Thought we were safer in school

Than with distraught and distracted parents on highways

It was just another Tuesday

I don’t remember 9/11

I remember the weeks that followed 

The red eyes of adults around me 

The fantastical and horrific stories

The tears and denial of friends who lost loved ones

All burned into my mind

I don’t remember 9/11

I remember my parents going to New York a month after the attacks for their anniversary 

They brought back gifts from the Toys R Us in Times Square 

And stories of dust covered cars that would never be reclaimed

I don’t remember 9/11

I remember hearing that we were going to war 

I remember my fear for children like me who would get hurt

I remember resigned acceptance 

“We’re just getting the bad guys,” people said 

“You’re too young to understand”

I don’t remember 9/11 

I remember my confusion when my father couldn’t walk my mother and I to the gate at Philadelphia International 

“But the last time we visited Aunt Theresa you waved goodbye” 

What I would’ve given to go back to 1999

I don’t remember 9/11 

I remember the dead 

Young Americans fighting out of grief and misguided patriotism

Iraqis and Afghans and Pakistanis slaughtered out of revenge 

I remember pushing a bully down a slide on a playground when he asked my friend if her parents bombed buildings

A week later he tripped me going down the stairs, spraining my ankle 

“Al Qaeda supporter,” he whispered

I don’t remember 9/11 

I remember a war 

I remember being desensitized to images of gore and destruction 

I remember a norm of hatred and aggression in the name of patriotism and security

I remember learning of the ever-mounting debt being saddled on my generation 

Debts that my grandchildren will still be paying off

Debts of money and of blood

I don’t remember 9/11 

I remember traveling to other countries 

Being reminded to exercise caution when telling people we’re Americans 

I remember the surprise on their faces 

“But you’re so nice” 

“You don’t look like war-mongers”

I don’t remember 9/11 

I remember the nausea I felt when we learned in school that we armed and trained Al Qaeda and the Taliban

That we caused the Iranian Revolution 

That we fund corruption and war when it fits our needs 

That we’ve murdered millions in the name of freedom

That we are a nation of terrorists ourselves

I don’t remember 9/11 

I remember years of teachers glossing over the early 2000s

“You know this already. You lived through it.” 

I remember finally speaking up, 10 years later

Asking Mr. Palmatier to go over the events of that infamous day

I remember his stunned silence as he looked at his 2nd period AP US History class

“Sir…we were 6…we don’t remember”

I don’t remember 9/11

I remember the fear I feel every time I fly 

Every time I ride public transportation

Every time I’m in a crowded area 

Every time I attend a sporting event

Every time I’m at a historical site

I don’t remember 9/11 

I remember visiting memorials on a frigid day in December 

Sleet masked the tears on my face 

So much death and destruction

An endless war 

A generation raised on fear

A generation that could learn

Learn to empathize

Learn to love

Learn from the mistakes of those who came before us

I don’t remember 9/11

But I can’t forget everything since