I grapple with the weight of his life on my conscience. I'm taking away a:
And suddenly the idea isn’t appealing, but the hunger isn’t gone. I must do something, or it’ll eat at me, so I decided upon a punishment, not an ending
He was taught that love is violence spared (Still there but mild)
But I must teach him that the cost of his manipulation and abuse is Mercy withheld
It’s a nice day today; I must add the breeze, it's nice, the sun is out, but the heat is muted by the semi-transparent clouds.
Unfortunately, I must be in attendance at a family discussion about the recent instances of disobedience.
You have to understand: to dismantle power is to plant seeds of doubt in the followers.
“What is daddy so pressed for?” Rose says with a confused and just-done face.
“He's mad we aren’t listening, well not not listening but half completing which in this case is him thinking he’s losing his grasp of us”, I inquire in the back of the car, turning to my sister while musing about the weaknesses and strengths our father has.
“He's fidgeting and crying, I think he’s about to do something or make a decision,” my big sister, Joanna (16), writes on the note she passes me. She's in the middle row; speaking of him so openly is not in question as of now.
Hell, I'm questioning if this is even worth the struggle. I only have a few years till I'm out of here, but what about Rose, Ella, even Bea, if I let it get to that point? I can’t do that its…it’d weigh on my conscience.
This isn’t just for my sisters but my mother to despite the cowardice she’s shown from me getting slapped last week to me getting beaten. She had her and in my torment too, from choking to threatening to cut my fingers off…
i guess it isn’t for her, then it's a plus, but also not necessary
‘Try to keep your cool if you crash out, I'll back you up, but try not to, Joanna writes next to a smiley face. She’s on probation for fighting a girl at school and swinging at Daddy. I need her on my side, which is good since he's put her out at multiple times for running away and not listening, so it's a valuable ally, but i rather not jeopardise her
“I have a headache imma sleep”, I write back and rest with my 5-year-old sister, Bea, sleeping on my shoulder and Ella (12) sleeping on the window
We are protecting innocence
████ 60% Until we have agreements
Back when we drove home before our parents got in the car:
“He’s telling me to cut off my dad”, Joanna says, rolling her eyes. I let Ella, Rose and Joanna blow off steam. I assess what this move means and realize hes grasping at straws; he's trying to isolate and make her dependent on him since her dad gave her custody over for unknown reasons. If she denounces him, then she's dependent on him, and loyalty follows as the dependence is exploited, and then I lose my opening, especially the final aspect of her heart meds.
███ 40% Until we have agreements
I make her aware of the situation and mention how he did it to me and almost made me detest my own dad, and she understands our ties grow stronger
█████ 65% Until we have agreements
“He's still my dad, and I'd like to keep it that why don’t you kill him.” She says in all seriousness she sympathises with the situation, but doesn’t have a year of understanding from being in it.
I'm getting static from my better senses
“Of course, I understand, however, you have immunity and-” She cuts me off
“I understand that you've been saying that for a while, but…don’t” she looks down as she says so, as I come face-to-face with the gravity of the situation and rub my neck in thought.
“I understand, I won't kill him” It wasn’t hard to agree to once I excluded the little sad-angry child in my head, but then I bargained with her and decided not to let him rest easy. Not to mention not Father, not money, since my mother has gotten too comfortable in his world and forgotten to build herself up. I internally sigh, he's made her soft, it's.. Nagging.
She's lost her fire and her defiance, even when he put his hands on her back. Then, he might’ve been cut, but instead, it was met with indifference, then pleading for her kids, and unfortunately, he refuses to let go of Bea, so Rose stays, and she is emotionally bonded with the little shit, and we all stay if Rose stays, plus it was a school day.
My mother occupies my mind more than not. Considering the fact that I asked this nigga to be my dad at 4 might have tipped the odds in his favour and left her with no choice. So when she says I'm the worst thing to happen to her, I remember that dumb, desperate kid wanting a father, and the Bastard never lets an argument go by without the “You asked me to be here” speech.
Shit, let her go, Onyx. Phebe was stupid. Leo was scared. We are new, let them rest.
I confirm with Ella to just render him immobile, and then I let it go and plan
Rose is already ok since she doesn’t really care. After the fact, she's too little to do anything, not that she's young, she's 12, but just…slim and bones can break.
This was a pain in my ASS, but she came around somehow idk.
██████ 100% Until we have agreements
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