Vicurious

You broke my heart, and I can never forgive you for that. Your mom texted mine that she is dropping off my stuff from you tomorrow. I immediately started crying and threw your shit that was in a box into the garage. You didn't even have the balls to say it to my fucking face. You always said you would break up with me in person. But you acted like a fucking coward and told me over face time and hung up forever. You are a fucking bitch and I hate that I loved you for so fucking long. I can't even say loved because I know if you asked I would take you back in a heartbeat because that is how much I fucking hate myself. I will keep crawling back to you no matter how much you hurt me because I am self destructive at heart and you were my favorite form of self harm. I never stopped hurting myself when I made that promise two years ago, I just never used a blade. I tortured myself to make you happy and tore my heart to shreds because I wanted things to work between us. Now as I curl up in bed I know nothing I could have done would have ever been enough for you. I have never been enough for you. There is no excuse for how you treated me in the end and you know that. This is why you couldn't say it to my face, because you are a fucking coward who hides behind a screen to hurt me like you always have. I loved you with everything in my fucked up tortured body and that was still never enough for you. I hope you realize someday how much I loved you and I hope it hurts when you realize how much you hurt me. And don't give me bullshit on how this hurts you too, because if it did you wouldn't have just ended it over some random reason that you decided was the last straw. What kind of fucking person tells someone you are thinking of breaking up with them and the next time you question the relationship, that is when you will end it. I made myself sick with worry wondering what I would do that would lead you to breaking up with me. I spent that month with a fucking sword over my head dreading the wrong move that would make you drop it. I'm fucking done with this shit. And then you have the audacity to ask me to not kill myself over you. Don't fucking flatter yourself, I have been through so much worse shit than some boy breaking my heart. If I'm still miserably here it is not because I'm doing this for you, it's because I will be damned if I become another little girl who was hurt by the big mean boy who broke her heart. I am going to get thigh tattoos. I am going to dye my hair dark. I am going to get more piercings. I am going to be the fucking person you hated from the start and I am going to laugh from hell at your reaction because I will not be blackmailed into going to church anymore. So imagine me spitting this through bloody teeth when I tell you to fuck yourself and never break another girl's heart again because no one deserves to be put through the shit you did to me. I blinded myself for years of the fucking horrible treatment you gave me because I called it love. It was never more than me being a fucking doormat for another person. So take a bow, because you broke my heart like you promised you never would and I hope that is finally enough for you to be happy with yourself.

The cruelest part of us breaking up wasn't the actual break up. It is the agony of not knowing what I did wrong to get you to stop loving me. I will forever wonder what I did incorrecly or different that made you suddenly not want to be with me anymore. Was it the fact that I couldn't lose weight, was is my impending stomach disease that could be cancer, was it the fact that I was always depressed and on medication for it, was it that I got scared whenever you yelled and my PTSD acted up, was it because I didn't like cars with the same passion you did? I will never know what I did wrong, and that hurts more than any excuse you could come up with. Because there is no part of me that believes that long distance got hard for you because I said I couldn't go camping on a weekend that I worked. I have given up countless work and job shifts so I could drive the 300 miles and 3 and a half hours to see you and be there when you got home from work. I am the one who left work early because you wanted me waiting for you when you came home. I was the one who drove to your house when no one else was there for a week because you didn't want to cook for yourself. I was the one who kept your video game streaks when you went somewhere because you knew you could count on me. You never failed to keep that stupid fucking streak in a stupid fucking video game, but face timing me after work was too hard for you because at the end of the day you don't want to talk to me? How did this suddenly become difficult for you. How did I suddenly screw up so bad that you don't want me anymore. I have wracked my brain with every possible reason you could not love me anymore and none of them make sense. I am killing myself, slowly tearing myself apart trying to figure out what I did wrong. Was it because I didn't like going to church? Was it because your dad was a dick and I didn't like the way he treated people? Was it because I wanted certain things out of our relationship like commitment and marriage? Was it because I couldn't stop cutting myself even when you threatened me? What did I do. I can't even ask you now, all I can do is dream of us together and break my heart all over again when I wake up and realize it isn't true anymore. You have joined the list of people who make me wake up crying from my night terrors, right up there with someone who almost strangled me to death, the man who threatened to crawl in my bedroom window to sleep next to me, and the boy who used me for my body and then broke my heart. I never thought you would join them, but you did. I guess I won the "I love you more" game.

I hope the next girl you find is a pretty, skinny petite little church going blonde with a nice ass who is the best thing that ever happened to you. Then I hope she is never enough for you like I never was. I hope you find exactly what you wanted that I could never be and it never makes you happy like you thought. I hope she wants to wait to move in until marriage and loves when your temper flares and you punch shit. I hope she likes cars just like you do and she waits on your beck and call just to please you. I hope she is everything you wanted and I hope it is never enough. I hope she is the nicest person ever and treats you like a prince and I hope you never get happy enough to marry her. I hope you date her for years, tell her you love her, turn around three years down the road and take another girl's number because you don't want only her attention for the rest of your life. I hope she has some problems that you think you can fix, and when she inevitably can't fix herself because she is a fucking human, I hope you flip a coin to decide if you want to stay with her just like you did to me. I hope you look her in the eyes and tell her you don't know if you still love her or not. I hope you talk to her on your three and a half year anniversary and tell her you don't know if she is the one. I hope you waste another 5 years of your life loving someone just to realize you can't fucking commit to a relationship because you don't know how you feel even after all this time. I hope this girl is all you want in this world and you still realize at the end of the day nothing can make you happy. I guess you could say I'm in the anger stage of grief. I hope she gives you everything like I tried and it is still never enough. I hope you realize that what you want is a fucking doll who listens to everything you say, goes to church, and waits by your side for every fucking order you have. I hope you realize you can't fix someone's mental disease like a fucking car. I hope you realize nothing can ever live up to the expectation you want. And then I hope you look back and see that I tried to give you everything. I hope you see that I did everything in my power to make you happy only for you to realize I was never enough. I hope nothing is ever enough for you anymore. I hope you realize how unattainable your dream girl is and how unhappy your life will be when you finally look in the mirror and see that you can't change everything like you want.

You know, someday I hope you feel just as I do right now. Not because I hate you or want you to suffer, but because I want you to understand how it feels to never be good enough. I want you to know what it feels like to love you more than I hate myself and have that thrown back into my face because you decided after 4 and a half years that long distance just started getting hard for us. Never mind that we have been long distance from the start. I want you to understand what it feels like to look someone in the eyes who you love with your entire being and have them rip your heart out and walk away and then use some sad excuse as to why it never worked out. I want you to know how I feel right now, how I felt for the last year but I wanted to stay with you because I love you so fucking much. I want you to look me in the eyes and say you don't love me anymore because I don't understand how you can love me on Monday and break up with me on Tuesday. I want you to feel how much I hate myself, just so you can know how much I loved you. Even a fraction of the pain I feel would knock you on your ass because I have felt this pain all my life and I did everything in my power to make sure you never felt it. I was never pretty enough, skinny enough, interesting enough, involved enough, close enough, healthy enough, happy enough, active enough. I was never enough, and that is all that came out of this relationship. So don't pretend that long distance "just stopped working". Don't you fucking dare blame something as simple as that for me never being enough. If I deserve anything from this, it is the truth. I deserve for you to look me in the eye and say I was never enough so I can stop stabbing my heart with grief and the question of what I could have done differently. Because nothing could have made me enough for you. Not even being happy.