Is music therapy or an enabler? I can hear it in the distance, in the background of reality, whether it’s actually there or not. Is that for better or for worse?

Sometimes it’s the world that’s the problem, most of the time it’s that person looking back at you in the mirror. A lot of the time, I wish I were different… no matter how blindly confident I make myself out to be. Depression isn’t something that you can cure or grow out of and I have come to learn that the hard way. I just wish it wasn’t so difficult to decipher-coming at me in a variety of unnoticeable, unfamiliar, and inconceivable ways- because maybe, just maybe, I could try to undo the smallest of fractions and perhaps use them to my advantage. Sometimes, just sometimes, there are times where I don’t recognize myself in reflections.

Me and my boys. ✊ Probably one of my favorites with them. R.I.L. Diesel

Oldie but goodie- when I was about a month or two pregnant with Kaleb. It’s funny how much time and kids change things.

Here’s a long overdue post and photo of myself. Keep on keepin’ on players. RIL Diesel

To the stay at home moms that clean the house and within an hour all of her work is undone. To the stay at home moms who have literally no one else to fall back on when things get tough. To the stay at home moms who have had significant others or baby daddies who have failed them in any way shape or form. To the stay at home moms who are struggling to make it, whether they have support or not. To the stay at home mom who finishes an hour worth of dishes, not because they’ve been piling- or maybe because they have- and has to make dinner shortly after or during- which once again fills the sinks with swine but their family’s stomaches and minds with nutrients needed for the next day. To the stay at home mom who is there for her child to help them sleep gently into the night... as opposed to letting them scream and cry a piercing shriek that only the eternally exhausted and wicked can bear. To the stay at home mom who spend their entire day trying to teach and guide their young and leaves the house a wreck for anyone’s return and judgement. To the stay at home mom who gives up her chances and choices of career or support financially- which she had once done before and can do again- to her spouse. Who gives up their opportunities for 100% thriving and bettering of themselves for their child. The person who takes the responsibility of growing the child and all that comes with that persons becoming into the world. To the mother who gives a piece of her body and mind and heart to the existence that is their child, whether they like it or not. I am writing this as a stay stay at home mom listening to her child cry it out (against my beliefs or wants) simply because I need to get things done... as her husband sleeps as solid as a rock because, well, he has his wife’s, the child’s mother, to fall back on if anything becomes of issue. I am grateful for the life my husband, my child’s father, provides for. I am grateful that he works hard so that we have a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, and clothes on our backs. But none of the appreciation will show my loneliness and isolation- my loss of self- my frustration that comes with the sacrifices that I have come to make. Nonetheless, I am grateful. Nonetheless, I will remain strong. Nonetheless, I will not let my past obstacles keep me from overcoming these of the present. Nonetheless, I will do what I need to for my family, even if it takes everything in me to keep going. Nonetheless, I am here, I am me, I am a mother; HEAR ME ROAR. And here’s a fuck yeah to moms who somehow make it all work without any form of support and nothing but motivation to keep themselves and their children afloat. You go glen coco. Raising the future generations of the world ain’t easy, let’s not joke with ourselves; are you feelin’ me?

I'm happy for those important people in my life and how they are all doing; even though I don't necessarily talk to most of them and just follow them online because, well hey, we're all adults on our own paths and time is of the essence. I'm happy to have a hungry and happy son who seems to be forever growing in my heart and his own well-being. I'm happy to own a house and some land for him to call home. I'm happy everyone of importance to me is happy, whether they know it yet or not.

So there's this really large (beautiful, longhaired, almost fully black with a tan belly) German Shepherd from the farm house down the road from us that likes to come on to our property and roam the perimeter to in return drink from our ponds and see Irie. He's harmless and if anything keeps preditadors off the property as much as Irie does- but Irie absolutely hates him (of course)- she barks bloody murder, growls non stop, and doesn't let him near her. But he keeps trying to befriend her anyway. I think he likes her but is afraid of her because, well he's on her property... But we let him roam because he guards the property too and it's like having two LGD's for the price of one hehe. All in all, we are gonna fence off the area he sneaks in from near the driveway just so Irie can have her property and he can just roam the outer perimeters... But he's so beautiful we wouldn't even be mad if he knocked her up... Maybe we will have those puppies sooner than we planned.

Cheap shades to hide those tired eyes.

About a week after giving birth. Taken on pot roast and laundry day. I am a confident mama.

He giggles and smiles a lot when he poops and pees... 💩

Irie and Daniel Kaleb. I became a mother on February 21st to this adorable little human. Irie became a mother as soon as she saw him. He is heavily guarded by her. I couldn't have asked for more with these two perfect children of mine. I am the luckiest gal in the world.

I've had multiple people ask me if I got a boob job. I haven't been sharing much on the subject with any social media, but it sure feels good to say this... I did not get a boob job, however, I am pregnant with a big ol' baby boy. Three more months to go. Never would've seen my life turning out this way. Moving off island, pursuing a dream of owning land and farming for my future family. Married by 21, having a son before I turn 23, hopefully owning our first chunk of land by 25. I am the luckiest gal im the world. Content and happy doesn't come close to describing it. Feels good to get that off my chest.

My favorite 80lb baby.