I've had premonitory dreams for most of my life.

It's weird. There is no logical explanation for it, and it makes me feel unhinged even admitting it.

But they have guided me before.

When my life was burned to the ground in 2019, I had dreamt of it, repeatedly, ahead of time. It wasn't a clear "vision of the future" but snapshots of moments in time that were terrifying and formed a picture when taken as a whole. I took certain precautions, made sure to document certain things, and those precautions saved me.

The end of 2023 and large swathes of 2024 were especially severe with these premonitions. I managed to convince myself I was actually just going crazy. The stress, the pressure, my lack of any true support network, made me think I was just... going crazy. I was actually convinced that I was for a solid 3-4 months, like commitably insane.

Then I started noticing patterns and asking questions. The right questions at the right times. I started gambling on my premonitions being accurate, or at least clueing me into some kind of truth. And kept being proved right. Weirdly right at times. I got called spooky for it.

I predicted three deaths. I predicted specific interactions between people, with near perfect timing.

And I recall a very specific prediction, one that took place when I moved into the house I still live in back in 2023. It didn't make much sense to me then. I think I actually sought reassurance from one of the parties in that premonition that it was just all in my head after.

Now here I am, poised on the edge of that premonition (it was down to a date, though oddly not a year - that I assumed incorrectly) and I feel an odd sense of calm. I guess because these premonitions never seem to include the other parts of my life.

Maybe I'll feel differently when it happens. I probably will. But I've gone through the emotional turmoil of it so many times already that I can look at the reality and just... laugh. I can look at the individual components as they are, and even feel sympathy.

One of my resolutions for this year (and ongoing goals in therapy) is to trust my gut. To believe when it is telling me something, because I've been proven right over and over about the concerns I tried to shove down or pretend were baseless or think my way around.

And when I really open myself up to it, there are some good feelings too. I went through the ringer in 2024. But I also started on a path that has been bearing much more fruit than I ever imagined.

Here's to 2025. With all the heartache it has in store for me, I think there's true joy for me to find here too. I just need to stay open to it.

🎨: Pedro H. Cardoso

🎨: Zudarts Lee