of growing apart and grieving friendships;
I watched a video/podcast that talked about the realities of losing friendships. Friendships expire and people grow apart and move on, and thatβs simply normal because people change over time. Thatβs not to say not every friendship ends β I still have connections from childhood who, as we grow and change and embraced each othersβ communication styles and whatnot, are still there and present. But the fact is that as we get older, a lot of those friendships will outgrow you, and you to them, but thatβs not a negative thing.
Oftentimes blame will be placed, either on yourself or on the other. They didnβt do enough, I didnβt do enough, they abandoned me, I abandoned them, you think to yourself. But most of the time itβs neither of these things, no blame on both sides.
The truth is that when these friendships started, you were an entirely different person than you are now. You were in an entirely different season of life. You thought differently, did things differently, had different mutual expectations. And over the years, especially when youβre working on yourself (therapy or otherwise) you eventually shed that skin of who you once were β and people who began friendships with you when you were that old version of yourself can no longer hold the same expectations, and vice versa. And thatβs okay.Β
And this is something Iβm learning to embrace: friendships fizzling out is not because you did anything wrong or they did. You were not entirely right, and they were not entirely wrong. And itβs okay to move on from friendships that arenβt active anymore. Itβs okay to not force old friendships to work anymore.Β
You will not vibe with people the same way you did before. And itβs okay to invest in other humans or new friendships that do. And thatβs not to say friendships/people are disposable! Absolutely not. Friendships and connections were special in the seasons/durations they were meant to exist. Itβs important to embrace the fact that not every friendship will last forever. So itβs okay to invest in new friendships and not feel bad about letting go of old ones.Β
And, of course, there are instances in which there are mistakes or mess-ups or this or that: maybe it is true that I couldβve been a better friend, that I couldβve checked in more, said yes to invites more, that I couldβve said this or that. Maybe, too, itβs true that they couldβve reached out more, invited you more, said this or that during that season. But sometimes it comes to a point where you just have to accept that these things have happened, or didnβt happen, and that itβs too far gone to try to revive it. And, again, thatβs okay, too.Β
Personally, Iβve been a people-pleaser for many years of my life, and Iβve been learning toβ¦ not be that. But Iβm realizing a lot of my friendships in the past decade were forged when I was, well, that. I started friendships with many people. Iβve tried to keep ties with many people. But it wasnβt sustainable, and it caused me to give 5% to every friend, thinking I had to hold onto those by a string. What Iβve had to do is let all of those flutter away so that I could give more to a very, very select few.Β
Iβm not gonna lie and say that itβs been easy. Itβs been really fucking depressing to have to let go of friendships, to sit with the reality that friendships arenβt the same that they once were, that old friends have moved on from you and that you have moved on from them. But if grieving through the reality of losing friendships means that it opens space for you to invest in the few life-giving friendships between people who have embraced every version of you as you change, and who youβve also been able to embrace and grow alongside, then itβs worth it.Β
Open your heart to new friendships.
And embrace the friends/loved ones that have lasted and withstood, who still celebrate and cry with and choose you.Β
