The Battle of Staying Happy

Calling all trans and non-binary artists: "Gender Euphoria" A New Zine, is still calling for submissions!

Submissions are open until October 31st - In times like these, trans joy is a radical act. Spread the love, tag people you think would love this project! <3Please share this post if it speaks to you.

Writing sprints are a great way to get the writing juices flowing from pen to brain. Plus, a great way to pile on page count.

1. Set a timer for 10 minutes

2. Write “I always thought”, “I don’t remember”, or “It got tough when” at the top of your page (choose one)

3. Start the timer and write without (or just barely) picking up your pen, letting one thought flow into the next. It doesn’t have to be coherent. It doesn’t have to be a story. It just needs to be written, cascading between one thought and the next. 

"Feeling empowered?"

Expert that I am on relationships (or more correctly, helping friends who have suffered at the hands of one), I suppose I'll give a bit of advice on advice giving that I've picked up along the way. 

As a friend helping out someone you care about, you are trying to keep them healthy. Especially if  it's someone who you know isn't super stable or in an emotionally great place, this is imperative:

If they aren't getting back together, don't encourage/help your friend entertain ideas of getting back together.

Heartbreak sucks, but holding onto false hope of 'what it once was' sucks more. Even though that might be what they want to hear, it's just putting them through more pain because it isn't going to happen. It's unhealthy to be delusional. They don't need to spend all their effort trying to re-enter a relationship that wasn't working, even if it seemed like it did. If one person didn't think it was working and didn't want to try to fix it, it wasn't working. They need you to help them get past this hard place. So what do you say?

Make it clear that it isn't going to happen and things aren't going back. 

Use phrases like "You deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love them." or "It's not worth it to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you as much as you love them." These phrases are great because:

1. They move the person forward by affirming that it wasn't working, eliminating false beliefs that 'it could have worked out' and helping them work them towards the idea that it has ended.

2. They don't antagonize or vilify the other person who might have broken up with them for logical reasons/offend your heartbroken friend who may still be in love with the ex. Do not try to make the ex into the bad guy until (a) you're sure that xe's reason for breaking up is ridiculous and (b) your friend's heartbreak is over

3. They heighten your friend's sense of self-worth because the term 'deserving' affirms the idea that they are valuable and should be with someone who is good enough/worthy for them. Even in the case where you understand/really agree that the relationship is ended or when your friend happens to be the more sour part of the relationship, it's still a positive thing for them to hear because of the above reasons and:

As a person/supporter, it's extremely important to know that everyone deserves to be in a relationship with someone who's on the same emotional level. If you're the shoulder your friend is leaning on, this is a good thing to bear in mind. Unhealthy relationships occur when one person is on a low emotional level while another person is on a higher emotional level. Both people need to be on the same page or else a relationship can become dependent and/or abusive. 

Remind them that this too shall pass. This bad state of being isn't going to last forever. Suggest to them that space away from xe can be a good thing: it'll give them time to think about what they do and don't like/want in a relationship. Reassure them that they'll get through it and it'll all work out. Be careful not to dismiss or devaliate their feelings - it's tricky, you need to affirm that what their feeling right now is legitamate while also reminding them that this sadness won't last forever and that you want to help them get back up on their feet.

If your friend is being self destructive (cutting etc.) or is having trouble getting out of an abusive/very bad relationship, a good phrase is "You deserve to be treated better than this, especially by yourself." Again, it reaffirms their worth as a person while expressing that they need to be treated well in terms of a relationship and in terms of their relationship with themselves. This of course, touches on much deeper issues which you probably aren't qualified to play therapist for.

As a last word on the art of advice giving (which isn't all that much different from the art of pissing in the dark):

Always step back from the situation and see your friend's side coupled with their ex's side. Like any news story, you need to see both sides of the story before passing judgement. Make sure you understand the ex's side. People are all kinds of ways, from reasonable and healthy to absolutely crazy - the reasons for an ex's breaking up can also be reasonable or absolutely crazy.