OneOfTheEmilies

the communications intern was sent by the centaurs team players to make a funny video with ilya and they approaches him saying “if you can answer this one question without mentioning shane at all, even once, we’ll give you a prize” and ilya says “okay, doesn’t seem too hard” and the intern gives a mischievous smile and asks “what’s the perfect routine for a good game day?” and ilya begins “first i have to wake up cuddling with—“ and he stops and looks at the intern who has this smug grin on his face and ilya goes “it’s harder than i expected” and the intern replies “the whole team bet you’d lose” and ilya raises an eyebrow and says irritably “then let’s start over” he composes himself and begins “my perfect routine is to wake up in my wonderful bed, then brush my teeth and have a hearty breakfast, go to the gym to work out my muscles, drink a protein shake, then take a shower and go practice hockey with my amazing team whom i love like family” and the intern ends the recording and goes “congratulations, i genuinely didn’t think you’d pull it off” and ilya gasps putting his hand over his heart and goes “do you guys think i’m obsessed with shane?” and the intern’s like “no?” and ilya replies “i am, what’s my prize?” and the intern calls out louder “bring in the prize” and shane wearing a sweatsuit and glasses with his hair still wet from a recent shower enters the room looking confused and ilya sighs and goes “it’s the best prize in the world” and he raises his arms so shane will come closer and hug him, and shane does. ilya buries his face in shane’s stomach and says in a muffled voice “shane, the intern is being mean to me” and shane snorts as he strokes ilya’s curls and looks at the intern who is laughing at the situation, and shane goes “poor big russian man being bullied by a 20-year-old” and ilya lets out a whine “yeah shane, thank goodness you came to my rescue” and he looks up and pouts and shane kisses him and says laughing "let’s go home, you big baby” stepping away from ilya and holding out his hand for him to take so he can stand up and they both say goodbye to the intern. the next day in the locker room the guys start handing shane $10 each, the whole team bet that ilya would lose and shane’s grinning the whole time because he knows his husband is just as competitive as he is.

is it any surprise that ilya latent suicidal tendencies rozanov was a club rat in the early 2010s when every single song was a variation of Tonight Is Literally The Only Night Worth Being Alive We Are All Killing Ourselves Tomorrow

mark, my words. *mark brings me my dictionary* thank you mark

​a man who has never denied himself anything meets a man who denies himself everything and the hedonist tries to lure the self-abnegator into succumbing to the pleasures of the flesh and succeeds but their rendezvous makes accidentally clear that true pleasure is derived from the perilous destructive nature of intimate connection and eventually true actual love and so we come to conclude that in fact the hedonist is the one who has never allowed himself anything true while the self-abnegator has never strayed from the path of his want and then they put them on ice skates and gave them sticks

at the cottage shane comes up to Ilya so much with some sort of bug or critter in his closed fist that ilya is constantly on alert when shane comes near him with a closed hand. he’s like “shane what do you have do you have a bug get away from me shane shane!!!” and shane is laughing and coming closer holding his closed hand out like “babe its fine just look.” and ilya is like “shane i am so fucking serious right now.” and shane is trying not to double over in laughter because he literally has nothing in his hand.

Another option would seriously fuck Shane up bc it would remind him of how easy it was to fail and how close he and Ilya came to failing and how the system is set up to fail anyone who happens to be in a similar situation and how they still prevailed.

ilya in slutty little sunglasses pulling up in his stupidly expensive god awful green lambo to pick shane up after some event, rolling down his window and lowering his sunglasses to look shane up and down and say "need a ride?" and shane rolls his eyes so big cause he know's ilya's not talking about the car, but he gets in anyway and when ilya revs the engine and peels out of there shane is smilling at his gorgeous silly husband

nothinggg is more ilya than the tampa hotel room sequence where shane comes out, ilya acts like a dick while keeping himself physically as far from shane as possible, shane gets his feelings hurt and starts looking a little chin-wobbly, and ilya audibly GROANS and flings himself across the room to sit next to him on the bed. but he’s still not looking at shane or touching him because ilya is NOT here to comfort him or anything ok he just randomly and totally unrelatedly got tired of standing up at the exact moment that shane’s big brown eyes started getting all wet and shiny with tears and the nearest place to sit down happened to be on the bed next to shane. do NOT read anything into this none of this means ANYTHING (in under two minutes he will be crying in shane’s arms btw)

yes because the last time Ilya tried to sit beside him and do something about it, shane launched himself into a heterosexual relationship.

Ilya thinking he’s about to embark on a sexcation only to be bombarded by cutieful Shane Hollander with plans to spend the rest of their lives together which effectively alters Ilya’s brain chemistry to be The Boyfriend of all time is straight up the funniest thing about heated rivalry

I think there's a part of Shane that genuinely believes that when he finishes his last game, they will take him out back and shoot him like a sick dog.

i love writing out numbers and then putting them in parentheses like "one (1)" even when i dont need to i think its funny