the best

it is not an evil thing to look at yourself with kindness. your life was never meant to be a punishment

i know kindness exists because i am kind

writing my kafka diary like Jan. 12th: Shower was cold. Hell on earth. Soup for dinner.

miss this shit

the mortifying ordeal of being known by 20,000 bees

That’s 20,000 new friends!

Why do witches like always wanna fatten kids up before they eat them?? fat is like the grossest part of meat

“Why hello there, little children~. Please follow me to my magical… FITNESS ROOM. NO P A N S I E S ALLOWED BEYOND THIS POINT. LEAVE YOUR WHINING AT THE DOOR BECAUSE IT’S LEG DAY AND WE’RE ABOUT TO GET R-R-R-RIPPE D.”

Because they’re always cooking said kids in cauldrons and ovens - aka long cooking times at lowish heat. If you do that to fatty meat, the fat melts completely and the meat gets tear-it-apart-with-a-fork soft. If you do it to lean meat, you get tiny little sad meat bits that bring no joy to anyone.

well you did ask

Also there’s wisdom in fattening them up on sweets and other carbs. A meatless, carb-rich diet makes for more tender and flavourful meat.

you are arguing over the semantics of EATING CHILDREN

Well yeah, you gotta get this shit right or it’s a waste of 40-80 lbs of meat.

plus if you feed them a high fat, low nutrition diet, they’re easier to subdue and less likely to run away, which would be a concern for an elderly crone.

Thank you, Old Witch With Candy House side of tumblr.

one thing i do miss about childhood is waking up early on my own before anyone else is awake, not feeling tired because wtf is chronic fatigue, and just minding my business like watching cartoons or doodling all morning. not like i can’t do those things now but the idleness of childhood is a special thing.

Date of Origin: circa May 9, 2015

this is some kind of commentary on how sometimes a compromise between two things just results in something useless for any of the original intentions.

you’ve seen a spork… now get ready for the foon

There’s power in telling yourself ”no we don’t do that anymore” in response to self destructive urges.

I LITERALLY had the experience of seeing Tony Hawk and going “a man” and then he picked up a skateboard and I was like “TONY HAWK???”

Tony Hawk is literally the irl equivalent of Perry the Platypus and Dr Doofenshmirtz. We see him out and about in public and we’re just like, “Oh, a man.” But then he whips out a skateboard and we all gasp and screech, “TONY THE SKATEBOARDING MAN?!”