You Should Be Studying

So I deleted the picture. After years I finally deleted one of the two pictures I had of my first anime convention. I never really liked looking at the picture, though most of that is just me not liking pictures of myself. I’ve been going back and forth on writing this, doubt anyone will really even read it, but this is mostly for myself to get out and organize my thoughts.

With the recent news of the allegations against a popular VA in the anime community, I’ve been really hesitant to comment or really to even think about it, but its at a point where I can’t ignore it and I need to face this head on, even if its a topic that that I don’t even want to think about. But with the recent news of both RT’s and Funi’s dismissal and announcement to recast said VA, I want to talk about it. With someone, even if it's just me to myself.

I’ve been actively apart of the anime community for over a decade now and have been to cons, seen every trend rise and fall, and watch online drama and gossip. So to say that I didn’t know about the rumors is inaccurate, but more like I chose not to listen to them and go on with my life. I didn’t want the rumors to be true and I finally did pay attention to them I brushed them off.

As a teenager, the rumors I heard were mostly “he’s gross around younger girls”, “he’s homophobic.” Now the homophobic part was mostly in part to the refusal to sign yaoi fanart. At least to my knowledge at the time. And to me, that didn’t count at all as homophobic at all. There’s a lot of BL/yaoi doujin and fanart that tends to be sexual in nature, not all of course, and I still stand that it would be rude to go to an actor and ask them to sign something like that, especially if it's not official merchandise. Doujin/fanart have a tentative relationship in terms of legality when it comes to its space in cons and the fan community, so keeping that away from the official industry members seems common sense to me. And I say this all as someone who consumes quite a bit BL/yaoi/GL/yuri content myself, so I’d like to point out that I actually a bias for said content. But after hearing that more private things have been said off camera, as someone who is a part of the LGBT+ community as well I’m disappointed.

In terms of the creepy around girls rumor, I’d like to state for the record that I am very averse to physical contact. I’m only comfortable with my parents, siblings, and very few close personal friends touching me at all. Even other family members I’m uncomfortable hugging and kissing, but as someone who comes from a Mexican background, its something that I’ve put up with my whole life and have just learned to ignore. When I finally was able to beg my mom to take me to AX on the last day, a Sunday and only with a dealer’s hall badge mind you, I was ecstatic. I’d been watching panels and vlogs of different cons around the country, and looking at photos of cosplay online for so long and I finally going to be in the thick of it.

I saw the line for the meet and greet and headed over immediately and my poor mother who had no idea what she was getting into was still frazzled over the con scene but waited with me in line so I could meet the actor who played my favorite characters. And honestly, it was great. The line was long but he stayed over time to meet everyone who was in line, I got to talk to him, and take a picture with him hugging me close. I didn’t ask for it, but when you meet someone you admire you really argue with something harmless like that. And my mother was there the whole time and took the picture. The said picture had been on my FB for years and it has since been deleted now. I brushed off the hug the same way I brush off when my family members, who I love but don’t really want to touch me, hug me and moved on to explore more of the dealer’s hall. And that was the end of it.

Now I don’t think that hugs and kisses at a fan meet and greet are necessarily wrong, especially when consent is given. However, it is wrong to assume consent in the first place and that's where the issue lies. He assumed that its the fantasy of every fan to be hugged and kissed by their favorite VA, but it's not. I continued to watch his fan panels for a few years after and noticed a trend. His assumption and behavior seem to be attributed to a bloated sense of ego. It became too uncomfortable to watch panels anymore, but I couldn’t place my finger on it at the time. His grandiosity during panels, his bible sessions, his concerts, and his personal music all show that he thinks highly of himself and has an ego. He assumes that fangirls want to hear their favorite character seducing them, and there he’ll put on a show for that. But not everyone wants that and not every wants to conflate their favorite characters with the actor who played them, and that's what he would do for years. And frankly, I don’t want to conflate my favorite characters, most of whom are teenage characters, with a man who’s older than my own parents. That makes me uncomfortable. And because of that I slowly lost interest and excitement in following his voice career and became blase whenever he showed up in a show or project that I watched.

And accordingly to other rumors, this time by con and hotel staff and volunteers, this is true. He’s difficult and has a temper, I had been aware several years ago that he wasn’t welcome at certain cons, but again I never thought much about it.

And that brings us back to the current allegations. Not the ones by fans or the online rumors, but the very real allegations and concerns of other VA’s and industry members, coworkers. It’s one thing to brush off fan rumors, especially when you view them simply as jaded or haters. It’s another thing entirely to hear even worse accounts by people who work closely with him. And as much as I wish it weren’t true, I believe them. Too many allegations from different places, I can’t NOT believe them. And not all accounts have been fully disclosed to the public and they might never be. That’s up to the discretion of the victims, and they have a right to their privacy.

So that leaves me here. Disappointed. Frustrated. Upset. Fullmetal Alchemist is my all time favorite series. I watched it before I even became an official “anime fan”. I still remember my first time seeing it. And I watched it in dub long before I was able to find the sub. My favorite anime character ever is Ed. But now, knowing what I do know, I find it hard to ever want to rewatch the series. Of course, I know I can always watch the sub or reread the manga. But I have so many memories of watching the dub. I watched the whole series with my mother. We watched the finale of Brotherhood together. And so many of my favorite voices actors are in that show, and I adore all their performances. Hell, ‘03 has the record of Al’s actor before he went through puberty, and Conqueror of Shamballa has his voice literally cracking in it. Ouran was my go-to anime to watch while working on cosplay, and Soul Eater. And so many of those casts have amazing actors whose performances I love listening to. But I don’t feel like I’ll be able to watch those shows again, with him so much at the forefront of them. He was a VERY popular VA, who has been in everything under the stars. It’s not like the companies would ever redub those shows JUST to recast his role only. (Though if I’m being honest I would very much buy all the DVDs/Blurays again if they did.) That wouldn’t be practical for the company. But it feels like his presence in those shows has forever soiled them. And I know that this sounds selfish but its something that I can’t get out of my head and I know there are others who feel the same way.

So I’m just at a point where I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed as a fan. I’m disappointed as someone a part of the anime community. I’m disappointed on behalf of all the people who were hurt by him. But I do not feel sorry one bit for him at all. I do not care the least bit for him as a person. I don’t think he’s a monster. I’m not so quick to demonize a person. I do that he is a person, who has done many shitty things. A shitty person who has done shitty things. And frankly, I think many of us are capable of doing horrible things, because thats just how humans work. Good people can do bad things, bad people can do good things. That gray area is where most of us lie, and its why this situation is so difficult. It’s hard to think that someone who brought so much joy to fans could do those horrible things. But the reality is he did, and we have to accept that and support the victims as decent human beings.