I have trust issues. I have trouble telling people things. Especially things that I know i need to discuss. I don't talk about my suicidal thoughts to anyone, even though my friends say that they're there for me. I believe them, but I just cant talk to them. I know exactly why I have them, its because of my family.
My parents don't tell me things. I found out my grandpa died two days before seventh grade. It was a complete and utter shock to me when my parents told me and my sister, but they had talked about how sick my grandpa was with her. I used to tell my sister everything, about what happened at school, who i had a crush on, all of that. The kind of stuff I really don't discuss nowadays with my friends. When I told her I had a crush on this girl named Kendra, she told our parents, my friends, her friends, Kendra's brother, everyone. I was so mad at her, and I still haven't forgiven her. I was made fun of constantly for it, but people eventually forgot. Everyone did except for me. After that, i tried not to get crushes on people because I was afraid. I'm not good looking, and I didn't want to be made fun of again. My friends would talk about the people they had crushes on, then ask me who I had a crush on, and I would just say stuff like "noone" or "i don't have one" but they wouldn't let up. Not until I would yell at least. They usually got the hint after that. And thats the kind of shit that made the rumors spread. I was called gay and retarded and other nasty things. it got so bad that I started refusing to go to school freshman year. That wasn't the whole reason I stopped going, but it was a big part of it.
My parents withhold information from me, about myself. Freshman year, when I started seeing a therapist because I was feeling incredibly depressed I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. I didn't know this. My parents didn't tell me for years. My senior year, when I switched Psychiatrists, and he was trying to get information on what I had been Diagnosed with, and what Medications I was on, I listed off what I knew. ADD, Depression, Anxiety... then she said Asperger's and I just looked at her confused. That session was a blur to me. After we got out to the car she desperately tried to explain to me so I just put on a fake smile, like always, and told her it was fine. It wasn't fine.
It's things like this that make me not talk to people about things that desperately need to be talked about. I haven't told my mother about how I want to kill myself more and more every day. Why when I go to the psychiatrists office and I check off almost all the boxes I have my mom sit outside. Why I seem distant and why I might end it all tonight.
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