union cycliste internationale

due to recent concerns over heat, all tour stages will now begin at 5:30

in order to attract wider audiences track cycling venues will now incorporate shapes beyond that of the traditional velodrome; triangles and circles will be the first to be tested, figure-eights and hexagons in use by 2035

we are proud to announce that despite none of the glaring and dangerous structural issues with our headquarters in aigle having yet been repaired, we have given the place a fresh coat of paint and a fancy new carpet

deceleration at any point of a road race is now against regulations and carries with it a fine of 100 CHF

please stop publicising things that make us look bad :(

drinking the beer offered on podiums is now mandatory

alongside our investigations into the removal or limiting race radios we will also be examining the implications for safety in cycling the use of clipless shoes, energy gels, hydraulic brakes that use mineral oil, and neckwarmers

any individual applying for a license found to have a history of triathlon must undergo an extensive interview process to ensure it will not happen again

we are looking into sources for artificial mud and/or sand for cyclocross races deemed to be insufficiently difficult

podium ceremony protocol has been updated to universally replace the playing of the national anthem of the winning rider's nation with 1989 belgian techno classic Pump Up the Jam

following the example of today, to lower speeds and improve safety we will be mandating the inclusion of a 180 degree corner in the final kilometre of races and stages expected to end in bunch sprints