#queries

No seriously. This is a genuine inquiry. Because tell me why someone likes and admires and fucking IDOLISES a sexist man. MAN. Yes, Lando is pushing 30 and he still acts like a child. It doesn't help that his fans encourage this. Bro ts isn't endearing or cute or anything it's honestly pure cringe.

His personality is so average. Istg this man is not funny, not charming, not kind, not ANYTHING. He's nothing special. (he's even worse than that but i digress). Lando has no personality so he tries to copy Max or something by pulling out "cold" one liners to sounds mature and intimidating when all he's doing is sounding like the idiot he is.

And cut the crap with all the "lando hate is so forced". Because WDYM??? he brought this upon himself and it is not forced whatsoever, ffs. I could go on, but back to the main point of this rant: why do lando fans like lando?

Is it his driving? Because I would honestly laugh in your face if you said that. Yeah, I don't think I need to clear it up to anyone that Lando only won because of luck and other people's mistakes, not his own "skills" (yeah he doesn't have any). So, for the millionth time, WHY DO THEY LIKE HIM?? i'm genuinely just confused at this point. I don't see anything in him to like. And ik that's subjective but please someone, clear the air.

On a related note, do lando fans themselves even like/know lando?? because in every fanfic i've read he's such an incompetent moron. Like, you can't truly like that... right? They always make him so dumb and so annoying and just A BABY that relies on everyone around him. And while that is lowkey accurate to real-life lando, does this mean lando fans enjoy this behaviour?? Cause, damn, they like Lando being some weirdo who can barely walk without help? Istg I read a fanfic where Lando couldn't press the mute button on a call after multiple attempts. DO THEY LIKE THAT??? "wow my little lando he can't even press a button how adorable 🥰" OH STFU. And yes, these people DO exist, believe it or not. THIS MAN IS 26 YEARS OLDD need i remind you.

So yeah, two seperate inquiries:

Why do Lando fans like him? and

Why do they protray him and treat him like a literal imbecile if they like him so much? or do they just like imbeciles?

It’s so, so common to see people write “I’m bad at summaries; please read anyway” or some variation, but I see almost no advice about how to write a summary. And it’s something you can learn how to do, if anyone bothers to help.

So let’s see if I can help.

These tips apply to both original fic and fanfiction.

I’ll be discussing a lot of pitfalls in this, but please remember: no rules, no masters. People will forgive all of these based on who they are and what the circumstances are. But you’re reading this presumably because you want some tips on writing summaries, so that’s what I’m going to provide.

If these blurbs will be used in query letters or other more professional materials, you might want to follow them more closely.

There are two types of summaries I think are most helpful for the “I posted this online; please read,” scenario: the Logline, and the Blurb.

A Logline is basically a Dictionary Definition of your concept/premise in a sentence or two and a Blurb is (slightly) longer with more specific details.

Loglines are very short and quick. You can use these when someone asks what you’re working on. These are basically what I throw up on my Current Projects page. They’re a quick overview, but not particularly specific. Start with what the genre/medium and then a bit about what happens in the project or what you’re trying to do with it.

Some examples:

A YA secondary quest fantasy about a kid trying to discover why his parents were killed and then he finds out the king ordered it and has to try not to get killed himself.

A far future sci-fi space opera serial that deconstructs the Single Biome World trope.

A romance novel set in 1950s Texas between the only daughter of a state senator and her tutor’s son.

A high fantasy thing about trying to revive dying magic with the power of community.

Basically a slasher movie about a fucked-up school teacher killing off everyone at the Math Olympiad.

This works really well for fanfic, too:

A fix-it after that massacre in season 6 where they have five more minutes on that bomb.

A character study following Jason during the Misery arc.

A ShipName coffee shop AU inspired by that one scene from episode 7.

As you can see, some examples are about plots or characters, some are big on setting, some are more intention or theme-based. You can use any of these qualities to make a logline. Pick which one you think is most prominent, most interesting, or is most important to you.

If you throw one of these up as the summary for something online, it would work fine! Especially for fanfiction, where you already know the characters, and which tends to be so heavily trope based anyway.

I find a lot of people online use them in addition to an excerpt. This is interesting, because this does not happen in professional publishing spaces. And that’s because...well. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, any excerpt that isn’t the opening paragraphs is not a great hook or particularly helpful in determining if you want to read something. The opening paragraphs are the introduction into the story anyway. But a random snippet out of context is kind of hard to do anything with or tell you much.

Honestly, if I’m skimming through looking for something to read and see a snippet as a summary, I jump down to the part where most of the time the author puts the logline anyway.

So you can just use the logline, if you like.

But enough about loglines. Let’s discuss blurbs.

You can find examples of these as the back copy on books (when they are all quotes and reviews). They’re typically 150-250 words and you generally want to include all of the following:

Who is the character?

What is the situation they’re in?

What are they doing with that?

People usually discuss these around Conflict and Stakes, but I find what people really want to know is who they’re going to be reading about, what’s happening to them or around them, and what kind of action they’re going to take based on it. People say the conflict and stakes are why you should care. But is the fate of the world or the magic of true love getting together why you care about reading what a character is doing, or do you care about reading about them because they make you laugh, or because you find them fascinating and fucked up, or you want to learn more about this world, goddammit, come hell or high water?

Yeah.

Now then. Let’s start with an example:

David is ready to ask Theo to marry him, but first he needs a ring.

It’s not exactly a logline here, as it’s not broad strokes the concept, but it’s shorter than a blurb (for now). This is somewhere to start. And it’s got everything: David is our character, his situation is “wants to propose” and it’s pretty easy to intuit the “what he’s doing with that?” is...well, ring shopping.

But while it seems “easy” to do this part, it’s actually also really easy to completely miss this mark.

I see things like this sometimes:

A summer breeze through white curtains. The scent of apple blossoms in a calico skirt. The golden light of the setting sun. Love is like wet footprints in the sand.

And that’s very pretty and lyrical and whatnot (at least, pretty and lyrical for something that I came up with in like a minute), but...I have no idea what that story is about. Love, I guess? But like? What happens? Who is this about? Who is loving or being loved? What is it even saying about love?

Sometimes (rarely, in my experience, but I read a lot of genre fiction and less literary stuff these days), I see this kind of thing at the very top of back cover copy, or as like. Text in a movie trailer maybe? But that’s always accompanied by something more concrete. A blurb will generally proceed to the character and specific events of the book. A movie trailer has actual footage from the movie in it so you can see what happens.

So...I wouldn’t recommend doing this, at least without the “Or, [logline]” that people do on AO3 like.

But people can actually kind of try to summarize the events of a story without being artistic and still kind of miss the mark:

Rowen didn’t expect to find an alien in his kitchen, but Janelle’s surprises for him have only started.

I don’t know what this story is, either. Presumably, it’s about Rowen, so we have a character. The situation is...Janelle (presumably the alien) in his kitchen and having A Day. But like. Okay? What are the surprises? Is Janelle friendly? An enemy? Is Janelle even the alien, or did she somehow bring the alien into the kitchen? How is Rowen reacting to this situation? Is the situation good or bad? I do not know!

As for one missing a character:

An alien invasion causes problems for everyone on Earth and the military gets involved to stop it.

I guess I know what the plot of this one is. I know what the situation and reaction is. But who are we following with this story? How does it impact them? What is a specific person or people doing? Who is our narrator? It didn’t used to be so much the fashion to focus on a character as much as it is these days, but modern media is pretty heavily focused on it, and people tend to look for it.

So, yes, it is easy to miss one of those pieces even if you’re trying. Blurbs are hard, and when you know what happens, sometimes you’re sure it’s just as clear to everyone else.

Let’s go back to David now. That one sentence did cover the basics in a very simplistic way, but blurbs tend to be longer for a reason.

David is ready to ask Theo to marry him, but first he needs a ring. A long day at the jewelry stores with Joanna brings up old memories and leads to new revelations.

However, this sentence actually made it worse. I think people think it sounds Literary, but it actually kind of feels like I’m being pushed away. It’s generic. It doesn’t say anything. It sounds like you don’t want me to know what the story is. And it sounds like a hokey fortune cookie.

Old memories and new revelations could mean anything. Stargazing and chatting with Joanna about Theo, or horrific flashbacks to a prior proposal, or a realization that David is about to propose to the wrong person, or, or, or...like...what does this even mean? It’s a bad horoscope. It only makes sense post facto.

If there’s something you don’t want when summarizing your writing, it’s “Fortune cookie horoscope vibes.”

Maybe you don’t see the fortune cookie vibes. That’s fair. It can take some practice to realize that’s what you’ve done. I can be thankful my attempts to learn this kind of thing were mostly spent on a forum that I’m pretty sure is defunct now.

Here’s a revised version:

David is ready to ask Theo to marry him, but a run in with a former friend after an exhausting day at the jewelry stores with Joanna leaves him shaken enough to question the whole proposal.

So why is this less like a horoscope? Because even though we don’t have all the details, things are not generic. It’s got clear cause and effect. A run in with a former friend is concrete event that happens, and being shaken enough to question his proposal is a concrete reaction to it. It’s actually telling us Story, not Essence of Story. Blurbs are not the place for Essence of Story.

Here's another issue I see quite frequently:

David is ready to ask Theo to marry him, but first he needs a ring. But will Joanna be able to help him find the perfect one to match Theo’s picky tastes?

Ending with what are functionally rhetorical questions is so common. People, I think, tend to use this as a way to add Suspense, to make it feel like there’s Things at Stake. I don’t think it generally works, since the question is almost always a moot point. “Will Joanna help him find the perfect ring?” I mean, given the genre...like 99% yes. It feels disingenuous, and it can come off as patronizing, and it’s not adding anything.

What we actually learned in this sentence is that Theo is picky, and Joanna is there to help David with Theo’s tastes. There’s a way to phrase that without a question:

David is ready to ask Theo to marry him, but first he needs a ring. But with Theo’s picky tastes to contend with, he calls Joanna in for backup.

When phrased this way, it refocuses on what the characters are doing and why. Theo is picky, so David is calling for help. The story is being placed back in David’s hands instead of fate. It’s not “will this work out?” and much more “here’s what he’s trying against the struggle.”

And, we got rid of a mildly patronizing question.

But this is still so barebones that it really works best for fanfiction set in the canon-verse. It works best if you already know the setting and who the characters are, because it gives you little more than names. If you’re doing something else with them, in different situations, or trying to introduce people to who new characters, you’re going to need both more words and better descriptions.

Let’s try something that’s the full length of a query blurb for David.

Dressage expert David MacDonald is fresh off a successful season with a gleaming trophy to add to his collection, but he has one more hurdle to jump before he can relax—finally getting his boyfriend of ten years a ring. Theo Woodley has refined tastes. Expensive tastes. And David has never had the cash to get him something worth keeping forever before. Even with cash now in his pocket, David’s still a little uncertain. He’s never had to pick out jewelry for Theo before—what does he know about silver and gold and what a diamond is even supposed to look like? So he does what any nervous fiancé-hopeful would do: call in Theo’s twin sister, Joanna. Joanna’s happy to help, but she also attracts attention. Specifically, the attention of her ex-turned-stalker—and Theo’s childhood best friend. Joanna may have turned him down, but David saw enough of their courtship to know what Joanna, Theo, and the Woodley parents expect from a proposal...and what David can afford won’t cut it.

I spent. Way too much fucking time. Writing that query. For a book I have not, and will not, write.

Anyway, this is probably longer and more comprehensive than anything you’re likely to see for a fanfic. But it does look pretty much like what a query letter for a full book would look like.

Let’s do some dissection:

We’ve learned what David does now, and likely something about his and Theo’s different socioeconomic statuses. This does a lot to introduce them and their dynamic, as well as mentioning the length of their relationship and presumed stagnation

Explains what rattles David about proposing and why

Explained a bit about Joanna and gave her her own life

Have a good idea of what kind of setting it is or isn’t—this sure doesn’t sound like heavy fantasy or sci-fi, for example

Now, this is a novel-length query. Sort of. Since the book does not exist. But there are a lot of threads in here that are, essentially, subplots a shorter piece wouldn’t have.

A slimmed down version might look more like this:

David MacDonald is fresh off a successful dressage season, but he has one more hurdle to jump before he can relax—finally getting his boyfriend of ten years a ring. He does what any nervous fiancé-hopeful would do: call in Theo’s twin sister, Joanna. Joanna’s happy to help, but she also attracts attention of her ex. David saw enough of their courtship to know what the Woodley family expects from a proposal...and what David can afford won’t cut it.

This focuses a lot less on David’s career path, almost everything about Theo is gone (oops), and there’s much less about Joanna’s relationship problems. Basically, the side plots are gone. Presumably, a shorter, or at least more streamlined, story. But it is definitely fuller enough to indicate this story is probably at least in the 10k+ range.

If it’s shorter, then the entire second paragraph could go. Etc. Etc. Etc.

What better time to answer this one than on Valentines Day honestly

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