All is Well

This still fucking cracks me up

i am literally the only person in my history class who has been turning in work consistently all year and i just got an email from my professor saying that if i’m not feeling up to it i dont have to bother writing the 18 page final paper he assigned i just have to not tell anybody god is real

For a while i thought you meant that you had to not tell people that god was real.

This is why punctuation was created

this gets funnier when you see the time stamp

Remember to leave out milk and cookies for Captain America tonight when he comes to leave presents under your flag.

when you go back to daydreaming after having been interrupted and your brain does a previously on of your fantasy

When you go back to daydreaming after being startled into the real world and your brain has to search through the ‘recently closed’ tabs to remember what you were daydreaming about

ok mood

ah yes time for the sacred american tradition of IT’S NOT THE 4TH YET ASSHOLE STOP SHOOTING OFF FIREWORKS

no i dont want to be a billionaire to live a lavish lifestyle i want to be a billionaire to be financially secure and have enough money to give people things and support charities and fund kickstarters and leave hundred dollar tips

My lavish dream lifestyle: 200% tips at IHOP and throwing struggling artists a couple hundred bucks to sketch my latest asshole OC. I buy my cats better food. I get new underwear twice a year, including a new bra. I have my jeans hemmed, and buy name-brand crackers. Nobody I know ever has to worry about a vet bill again. I quietly bankroll surgery and binders and electrolysis for every struggling trans person on Tumblr. The zoo near me builds a 300% larger reptile house and names it the Wigglesworth Von Snakeface Rept-o-Rama, and I hire a Great Dane ninja to shit on Trump’s Hollywood star every day and post the picture to Facebook and Twitter. Snakes manifest in nazis’ houses. They are made of red-hot chains and never stop screaming. My skin is clear. I sit on my front porch and drink tea. Someone hands me a hamburger.