It's my friends fault I'm doing this.

Do I even know what I am talking about

It has always been said, you have to start somewhere. So I am guessing this is it.

I tried to get going a year ago, but I struggled with the idea of sharing and having the time to sit and write. It all seems like such an effort to be engaging and the anxiety it creates, but more importantly seeing if my brain chaos can translate itself into something legible when written down. That part I am not…

The last 24hrs has tested me and my will power in more ways than I thought I could. The final straw to break the camels back yesterday. 

After a tedious few weeks I am being seriously challenged with thinking positive (#16) but even harder still, staying smoke free (#9) .... This is the hard one.

I quit cold turkey September last year and have had a few wobbles but haven’t broken yet....Last night and today, it is all i can think about... just one....but we know there is no such thing.....It was always my crutch in a time when I hit rock bottom, that and drinking, the perfect combination.

I am trying to process but my brain is overloading. Suffering from anxiety, depression and PTSD can do crazy things to you.... the thinking, over thinking, analysing, over analysing... but learning some tools for situations like this does help. Break it down, look at what the issue really is and come up with a solution for yourself, not anyone else. 

Now to practice what I preach HA! Again, easier said than done.

You can always prepare yourself for the worst or know the day will finally come, but you still never know how you will react until it happens. Yet i still should have known better.....

The shock and initial reaction I need to learn to control. Something to stop my mind spinning out of control and loosing concentration. My brain hasn’t switched off for over 24hrs now and I still don’t know what to do.

I know i am not going to gave a cigarette - this won’t break me, I won’t let it. 

Looking at this from a positive angle, it’s my life and I make the decision to put me first and what will make me happy. It may hurt at first, but may be the for the better long term?....it will all work out on it’s own? Just let lie and carry on??....

Over analyse....no, think positive....Over think....no, think positive!!!

What do you do on a long weekend.....coordinate friends in Auckland, Rotorua and Taupo to go camping (#22) for a night at Tongariro ready to do an event the following morning!

Not that any of us have trained for it but hey, dust off the shoes and get out there and do it with a bit of adventure on the side...

I finally made it to the Auckland Art Gallery(#13)!! The stunning work of Goldie, the Corsini Renaissance Collection and The Obliteration Room were my highlights!

When was the last time you went to your local art gallery, took your time to wander around to see the work of some incredibly talented people and so much history behind it?? I don’t even remember the last time I stepped over the thread hold of the building. I think it was some time last century?!

What I did know was that this was something that I wanted to do on my own. I put my earphones in, shut the world out and stopped for as long as I needed to take in the pieces that fascinated me the most.

Then it was a bit of fun at the Obliteration room with ‘that friend’ ( the one whose fault this is) lots colours and lots of stickers. You can’t be serious all of the time!!