♡

he really did wear that man’s hoodie, number (that’s very much not 87) and all, right over his chest and you wanna tell me he’s not every bit as possessive and unhinged about nate??

to see the superstar kid who now idolizes you along with the rest of team canada, whose tiny fragile hopes and dreams you hold in your violent calloused hands—and god how terrifying that must’ve been for sid, you realize now—who you’re terrified you’ve let down and you can’t imagine he still idolizes you after that only to hear him say he’d do it all over again with you.

you were never the problem in his mind and maybe you were in your own and maybe you were in an entire country’s but goddammit that wonder kid who you used to be would still choose you out of all the players in the world.

and maybe you stop and think and finally realize that all three of you have been grieving by tallying your own mistakes but never each others’. that you’re all grading yourselves on the same scale that unfairly weighs your own biggest mistake and barely considers the sum of many parts. that maybe you are greater than your worst shift and maybe your team is more than their weakest moment and maybe you didn’t play the worst game of your life, the other team just played the best game of theirs.

they tell you things sometimes just aren’t meant to be, and you hate that so much but you start to think that maybe it’s true. maybe somewhere 10 years down the line you will look at the life you’ve built and you will hold something dear and precious in your still too-big hands and think, i would not be here if not for that mistake. i could’ve missed out on something beautiful now for something beautiful then.

and that’s when it starts to make sense to you. it’s not a matter of ‘this was in the cards all along.’ it’s a matter of exchanges and balance and it’s okay to wish you’d done different and still know you wouldn’t now if given the chance.

there is an endless series of parallel universes in which you made that shot but you’re here in this one where you did not and maybe it doesn’t mean anything inherently but goddammit you can make it mean something.

the stars aligned for them and not for you and that’s okay because the earth is in constant motion and you were born under virgo and she is the biggest of all the clusters of stars to be born under because you were meant to be big and bright and beautiful and one day she’ll look down on you and smile and at just the right time her eye will twinkle and you may never see it again or you may see it tomorrow. all you need to know is that she has not forsaken you and you have not forsaken your idol and you as an idol have not forsaken that child and everything will be okay because at the end of the day it was all just a game wasn’t it?

you’re here because you found joy and solace in this sport and you will find joy in solace in it again if it kills you because you will not let that light of yours be taken so long as you live and maybe you’re being dramatic and maybe it was just a throwaway line in an interview by a media trained kid but it meant the world to you and now you can finally breathe.

I’m just in my feelings, man. nate was nobody important to sid at all. He was one of thousands, maybe even millions of young teens who looked up to and loved sidney crosby more than anything else in the world. then he grew up and still loved him when everyone else grew up to love other things, to leave their naïve hopes and dreams behind in their childhood bedrooms together with their stuffed animals and crayon drawings.

sid was everything but a person to nate, and it could’ve stayed that way so simply. a respectful professional distance, a worshiped colleague, a legend and his less accomplished fan. trotted out for PR and documentaries and awards.

but nate made himself into an equal. he climbed olympus itself, dragged himself into the realm of immortality. like psyche fighting for the return of eros. dragged himself close, made himself into a shape that fits right next to sid. as if galatea had willed herself into her perfect, lovable shape for pygmalion. and not for fame or power or posession, but because sid grabbed his stupid fucking ankle and the breath left him not because his chest hit the sand, but because the exhilaration knocked it out of him like so many butterflies uncaged. He made himself worthy for the simple pleasure of his company, for the simple joy to be able to stand next to him at all.

and sid. sid for years had so many people wanting to be close to him for every reason but sid himself. the job, more minutes, cups, fame, money— and few who stuck around when it looked like his career was to be preemptively euthanised.

—except this absolute fucking nobody of a guy. who didn’t even have a pre-existing relationship with sid to stay out of loyalty. a young gun who sought him out when sid had nothing to offer. someone who loved him for nothing more and nothing less than sid being himself.

when sid was injured, nate was there to drag him back up, to drive him back to his very heights, in the way he desired most. when nate was slumping, when he injured and when he was grinding himself down for the cup, sid was the voice on the other end of the phone, the luck in nate’s pocket and that lay on the cool pillow next to him in the hotel room marked with sid’s number.

I love you intentionally. I love you with every bit of conscience I was born with.

one of my clients in an attorney for the NHLPA and she’s know Nathan since has 14 years old. she says him and his mom are two of the funniest people she’s ever met. she is constantly going on about what wonderful people his entire family is. she says that Nathan is not only kind and funny off the ice, he’s a little peculiar too, and then proceeded to tell a story about a time they were out on a business lunch with Nate and he was extremely quiet during the meal and then out of nowhere goes “what even is a rock? what’s the purpose of a rock?” and just starts going on about rocks and their meaning.

(heard in the distance: the sound of nathan mackinnon rapidly approaching, barreling directly through anyone in his way because he heard there was a beautiful boy with big brown eyes in the locker room, and he needs to call dibs)