🌲 𝑵𝒐𝒗𝒂 🌲

Recognize that human beings are multifaceted creatures, and so are their situations

Just because you were once abusive doesn't mean you are forever only an abusive person, same goes for being a victim. You can still be a victim of trauma even if you were abusive, and you can still be abusive even if you were a victim of trauma, those two things are not mutually exclusive.

Also, in some situations, the lines between victim and abuser can be blurred, two people can be mutually abusive (intentionally or accidentally) or there can be a power at play, recognizing the nuances of your situation doesn't make you a bad person, but you still need to work on your part of the blame.

2. You can still be angry at your abuser, and your victim can too.

Weren't you devastated when you were abused? Weren't you angry? Sad? Ranting your heart out? Feeling a lot? You can still feel those things and you are entitled to these feelings!

However, recognize that your victim can also feel the same way, you are the villain in their story, no matter how redeemed you are, don't devalue them for being angry and expressing it.

3. Take accountability on what you actually did wrong, and don't overstep it.

What do i mean by that? Take accountability for what you actually did wrong, if a story has things that aren't right, don't take accountability for lies, only for what actually happened. Sometimes our own malignant coping mechanisms from being traumatized before can make us try to assume fault for things we didn't do, don't do that, be honest.

That also means that you shouldn't go out of your way to hunt down your victims socials to try and apologize if they clearly are uncomfortable with you, that will only make YOU feel better, respect your victim right to be away from you.

4. On a similar note: erase the victim from your life.

After you took accountability for your actions, disappear from the victims life, that means do not look at their socials, do not go after them (even if you have good intentions), do not mention their name, don't expose them further.

5. Don't accept harassment (and recognize what is actual harassment and what is your victim expressing themselves).

Harassment is never okay (especially after you took accountability), if you are being harassed over things, you can still block accounts, close asks, refuse to answer asks and be entitled to your privacy, especially if its something open on the internet (advice from my therapist!).

HOWEVER, you need to remember what actually is harassment.

Harassment is:

Malicious messages/asks being sent directly to you or your friends telling you to do bad things to yourself, calling you names, or overall causing you harm that doesn't come from a constructive place.

Being spammed with harmful content and comments in your social media

Direct mentions of your name followed by threats and abusive comments, especially that can leave you open to more harassment

Harassment is NOT:

Indirect vents/rants about your past behaviors or how your victim feels.

Your victim venting about things in detail in private for their friends and closed ones

6. The consequences of your actions and your guilt are the "punishment".

Whipping yourself and wanting to be punished for your actions can be a reocurring feeling, but you don't have to punish yourself further, the guilt of what you did and the consequences to those actions speak enough.

7. Accept the rough truth that you will always be the villain of your victim's story and their social group.

For your victim, you will be a monster, the same way your own abuser is, for you, a monster, and you can't change that fact, but that doesn't mean that you don't deserve to live a nice and fulfilling life after recognizing what you did.

Those friendships and relationships you ruined will not come back, this is a hard pill to swallow but it's the truth, now the best you can do is to try to be a better person in someone else's story, including your own.

8. Being on both shoes can make you humanize your abusers more, but don't doubt for a second that you were hurt.

When we end up in the "hurt" side of the situation, we can become really quick to justify what our own abusers did to us. Yes, your abusers are humans who could've come from a harsh upbringing too, but that doesn't mean what they did to you was justified, the same way your actions are not justified just because you were hurt, you're still allowed to be upset.

9. You are not a bad person.

You recognize your harm? You tried your best to take accountability? You are trying to better yourself? So you're not a bad person, period, even if your brain can be the meanest place in the world, that doesn't define who you are, you could be cartoony villain levels of evil in your head, but your actions are what matter.

10. Search help.

Therapy (if you can afford), meditation, DBT worksheets, keep your friends close. Keep taking care of yourself, keep living, keep trying to be better.

11. The internet is not your friend.

Don't go ruminating on reddit posts trying to find comfort, the internet is full of people who only think about their own perspective of things, yes you can find nice people in here, but don't depend on it (and if you suffer from compulsions / OCD, the internet can make your life worse, social media loves to feed compulsions.

12. You are actively trying to police yourself and better yourself, relax.

For my dears who are constantly having overwhelming fear of repeating the abuse by accident: you now know better, you can do better, i believe in you!

Toxic behaviors and abusive tendencies don't just disappear, you might have relapses, but you are actively trying to better yourself, just don't give up on trying to change, respect people's boundaries, build healthy boundaries, build a healthy space and keep on moving forward.

13. Friends who agree with everything you do, even the wrong things, are not good friends.

Real friends will not justify your abusive behavior, real friends will believe in your betterment and improvement, but they will not pretend that your harmful behavior never existed, if you are surrounded by "yes-man", those people are enabling you, find a healthier space as quick as you can.

14. Explanations are important, just be careful with excuses.

If a behavior can be explained by an abuse you suffered, a disorder, a social struggle, etc... That's great to learning about the roots of the problem! Just be careful to not use those things to completely exclude your responsibility from your behaviors.

15. Reprehending abusive behavior does not make you a hypocrite, it makes you into a changed person.

If you feel the need to speak up about the harms of abuse, you are still allowed to do so, that doesn't make you a hypocrite, that shows that you understand the harms of your past and are trying to make an active change.

16. On the same heartbeat, being kind doesn't make you a impostor (but don't become a doormat).

Try your best to be kind and lovely as your heart allows you to, but don't accept to be abused because of your past, no one deserves abuse, including you.

At the end of the day, what can make your life better is:

Taking accountability and recognizing your wrongs.

Learning with guilt but not letting it take over your life.

Have a nuance approach to situations.

Treat your own traumas.

Allow yourself to be kind.

Create healthy boundaries and sense of self.

Leave your victim(s) alone.