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[question diary] 第五. If you can have one wish fulfilled.
もし１つ願いが叶うなら？
This seems easy of a question because we all know what we want to do. But since I am only limited to only one wish, this is difficult.
Maybe deep down I don't want to jinx the possibility of the universe actually making it into a reality.
And as a result, this question kinda had given me anxiety. Just pondering on what I want to answer forces me to think about things I have to do which is blergh. And then I put this blog-writing off for quite some time. Just bouncing on and off with life.
Coming back to this question right now, I'm not sure if this answer is my ultimate answer but I think I like this answer for now.
誰かが未来の僕らを探している
It's a snippet of KK's MIST lyrics and it always resounds in me; wanting to have some place where I belong to, to have people where I feel I belong to, to have people who want me there too. Throughout this quarantined lifestyle, I have come to realise that I feel so alone – sure I'd meet up with people from time to time, see other human beings when I'm outside for errands, call my family and friends. But it still feels lonely inside, I'm not free with my voice and my thoughts. Family is ultimately the hearth I'm bound to return to, but there are times I feel like seeking some sort of comfort and I'm not sure where or whom to go to. I always end up trying to resolve it myself.
Today as I walked back home, I felt this huge emptiness inside me, my paces slowing down (I'd normally speedwalk wherever I go). It's not like I'm trying to take in the view of my neighbourhood, or the festivity of the crowd that is prevalent in the weekends; but I just felt so present and how alone I was at that right moment, walking back to my place where I am currently living by myself, listening to ONE OK ROCK's "All Mine".
It might be the mellow theme of the song. Or how EVERYONE WAS OUT ON DATES ON WEEKEND NIGHT but me LOL. (No)
But yeah, my wish is to be freed from these invisible shackles. Find some way (some place, someone) to fill this emptiness. I’m so boring lol, should have asked to be given unlimited wishes.
[question diary] 第四. What you thought, looking back on today.
今日を振り返ってぱっと思った事、どうぞ。
I actually started drafting this before I even finish writing answers for the third question. Recently, I have just been in the same old slump where I don’t feel inspired to do anything. At the same time, I can’t even start working on my own projects because I’d feel guilty over the time being spent doing that. But the consciousness in my attempt to recover myself from the slump is hundred times worse because by the time I try, the realisation over not having done at all weighs so heavy, and it starts suffocating me and before I know it, I am not able to do anything AGAIN.
And looking back, I have realised that this is the one thing that always seems to relapse. I want it to stop, I have tried a plethora of many different methods to make these feelings stop, but it’s just easier to run away, curl my body in a protective prawn shape, hide under my blankets, play some relaxing 女性向け roleplay to lull myself to hopefully a never-ending slumber (by the way, wowie I’ve broken my only headsets). Also, have I ever told you about the suicidal thoughts I have been having yet I am so scared to act upon?
This is the perfect time to bring up Grey’s Anatomy, not because I’ve been binging on it (for your information, George has this very adorable puppy look in most of his screen time and I am dying to draw him), but more because I feel like Meredith kinda has the same problem of relapsing “conditions”. I was referring to early S2 stuffs, iirc (I don’t really check episode number) where she’d sleep around, emotionally exhaust people around her because she couldn’t get over Derek. Well, my Derek is the past failures and disappointment that keeps on haunting me at the back of my mind. They linger like ghosts that recurrently show up in the long dreams I keep having after I wake up to turn my alarms off.
Wowie depressing answer. I hope the next time I look back, there’d be more self-encouragement and confidence. There’d be hopeful vocabularies being thrown out, instead of a helpless self-realisation.
[question diary] 第三. Morning, afternoon, evening. Which do you like?
朝・昼・夜なら、どれが好き？
I initially thought the answer to this question would be easy but it turns out that I don’t really have a preference. I always thought staying up late doing my own thing in the middle of the night while the whole world is sleeping is my idea of peace, but when I first moved in to my new place and woke up as early like 5am-ish, I felt great too having slept normal sleeping hours like a normal person would have, had they have no depression (yeah?)
So what is my favourite time of the day? God knows rght now I just want all the time of the world to do all the things that I like without guilt, without feeling like shit, without feeling like I am wasting my time on things people have led me to believe I shouldn’t care about.
Nevertheless, I think I can proceed this entry with explaining how I’d like to spend my day.
If I get to wake up in the morning, I’d like to just lay down on my bed, clearing my inboxes of newsletters and news chunk, in hope of reading something interesting, then I’d kick off my day with some infotainment bits, either from YouTube or Twitter, just to give me some glimpse of how stupid the world and mankind can be — a little bit of boost to my inferiority complex, to help my crumbling pride, if you will.
Then, in an ideal world, I’d cook my meals. And in an ideal world, I’d have the pantry shelf to myself, and I’d have the perfect size counter and utensils. In an ideal world, my iron cast won’t stick because I’d have the time to season and re-season it.
In the afternoon, I’d be writing, or reading, or watching, or recording myself talking about stuffs that I read or heard or watched. Just enjoying thinking without stress and being pressured to do so, without any obligations whatsoever.
I’d shower with Alexa playing my favourite playlist. Alexa would be playing ‘Radiolab’ or ‘Reply All’, and I’d be able to focus on what’s being said because I don’t really have to pay attention on what I’d be doing afterward as I listen.
I’d read all the books I’ve listed on Goodreads, squeal over my ships sailing, lightly punch the mattress at how boring my life is. Welp, but I’d still choose this type of boring over unpredictability.
I’d watch all the shows I want to watch, with my cold brew tea in a small glass cup that I’d be holding like a saké cup.
In the evening, it would just be some socialising, and then more watching, reading, and self-projects that I’d not beat myself over if they didn’t turn out well.
And
Lying on the bed with my MUJI humidifier on, scent of eucalyptus wafting in the air, and cute boy voices playing through my earphones to fulfil my emotional needs.
Yup, I’m grinning from ear to ear just from typing this all.
I don’t really care about what time of day it is — I can always make the most out of anything anyway — thinking about what I want to do is what I prefer to do.
[question diary] 第二. What do you want to be in a year?
一年後、どうなってたい？
I am writing again! And initially, the question diary app I am using that I had installed on my other phone gave me “Are you afraid to die?” on the second day. But now since I have reinstalled it, it is giving me a different one. And it’s also in Japanese because my current phone settings are in Japanese.
So I did some digging on the app and I realised that questions can be submitted by other users too?? (because I actually found a question in a very cringey text style under English options). And because of that, I had decided to stick with the in-app Japanese questions, and so here we are; I’m sorry for the boring preface (lol).
Not gonna lie, these questions really trigger me and I’m not sure if I am able to keep up with this commitment to continue writing on this blog. But I am on a creative writing rut so I’m not sure if I am able to write anything for Wattpad either (*cough* check my hormonal wattpad stories, plez *cough*).
Nevertheless, I guess answering this question prompts me to tell you how my life is like currently. After all, you can only project so much on what you want to be in life because you can’t dismiss how life is currently treating you right now. I mean I could give you a totally delusional answer too after I go through the truthful answer but that’s just to keep this whole post fluffy and floating (look forward to it at the end of this post).
I have finally graduated from my degree after 4 years of university. I would like to add some negative adjectives to that word but honestly I don’t really hate those 4 years -- I might wanna replay some of those moments if I were able to. I am currently unemployed and I am supposed to be actively looking for jobs as how I have told other people around me but I don’t think my current job-hunt routine will allow me to bear anything fruitful so I have decided to further my studies. Not graduate school, by the way, just some additional qualifications to beautify my expiring résumé. After having constantly applied to everywhere I can find throughout March - May, I realised at this rate, nothing had worked out. So I pulled the plug and decided to take a break.
The course I am taking today has been pretty helpful, I have learnt new things but the schedule is intense so my sleeping schedule has been mostly effed (it was also due to the fact that I wanted to play around after finishing my homework super late at night lol). I also want to go back to reviewing my Japanese. I planned to take N2 in December anyway (I almost forgot). So there was that.
And with that, in one year, I do hope that I am in a much better position in terms of employment status. I have loans to repay after all. They all got deferred due to COVID per government policy so wowie. I should take advantage of that policy and quickly get myself a job so I can quickly repay them while the interest hasn’t been applied yet. Very simple straight wish. Honestly, I don’t really want a lot of things. Most of the things I do want end up being closely tied to stability and security so if I got to that position by the end of this year, I’d be superb and over the moon, not gonna lie. My current place is also very comfortable and I do wish I can stay in this master room at this rate as long as I can until I get an actual job and I can afford paying for the full rate without guilt.
Okie, so one can do dream, and if you’re asking me what I want “want” things to be like in one year, the answers are actually more complex. And I am not talking with regards to my current condition. I do have specific things I want to achieve and have in life, like *cough* having my own place *cough* working for a game company *cough* being able to double-life as an online content creator (because the idea of it just sounds so cool). Ah, I’d probably be cringing the next time I come back to read this. But yeah, like I said, one can dream...
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That short question alone makes me think and re-think a lot of things that have happened in my life, and my previous entry on my glorious days. To give you some background, that entry was from last year and I did not have such a blast with my exam results then. I hated a lot of things that were going on in my life then too. It stemmed from my self-deprecating pathetic excuses. The funny thing was how I had felt good about myself for having been appreciated during my internship before the semester started.
These mood swings do really make you wonder what the state of being happy is like? Looking at how the question is being phrased as well as from my understanding, happiness is never a continuing state, in my opinion. It is static, and when asking if one’s happy or not, you need to specify the time of interest––had I been happy before university? Am I happy now?
So in answering this question, you can’t say that you are happy, by generally looking at how your life has unfolded thus far. You might be grateful, but to me, you would undermine your past unhappy self if you looked back and said you are generally happy.
At the time of writing this, I can say for sure that I’m happy. I just finished the only class I had today and managed to finish a blog post. I have deadlines and things to mind, but I feel that I am not really behind on anything, so I am happy right now.
However, I was not happy, two days ago, when this question was presented to me. The obligatory trip that I had to bring a group of exchange students to did not go as how I had wanted it to be, and the sadness might have been carried over since we had to share a class with them just now. But if you read my entry on my definition of personal care, you know that I would not want to really mind about things that happened in the past. The fact that I had a can of horoyoi, and Parks and Recreation on Netflix to drown away the post-trip disappointment were merely things in the past now to me. (IIRC, there was another reason to the sadness I felt at that particular night, but don’t let me bore you)
In further extension to the aforementioned blog post, and whether or not I am happy, I would always keep striving anyway. But I am not saying that you should not look back and reflect on sad days. I think the whole point of recording how you feel towards particular things that happen to you is for you to look back on them. However, unlike happiness, what and where I am in my life is not both a static nor a continuing state. I don’t define myself then where good/bad things happen to me, and I also don’t describe myself by generally looking at how my life has unfolded so far. I like to think that I am just an entity that needs not to be minded. That way, without any definition, I would not need to validate those descriptive elements of me. And my purpose in life could just merely be doing things that I want, or I feel like I have to, for whatever reasons that might be––of which is not much of a concern to me as well.
There was one time in 2018, I was deep in minimalistic self-healing topics, most likely out of my own desperation to clear these dark clouds in my mind.
So I read zenhabits and having been captured by how free the writer expressed his thoughts, and shared his ways of dealing with emotions and thoughts and feelings had inspired me to transfer his suggestions and adopt it in my own style, dubbing it as: “a take on minimalism by a university student”. I remembered being very much captured by these ideas I thought I had given birth to; of course, my narcissistic self would never leave me even for one minute (smh my head, amirite?)
Obviously, in this sea of words and plethora of blogs, there must be one-two-three bloggers with similar ideas in mind. And much more obviously, I never have the resilience to continue writing after my first blog post.
Nevertheless, I always have that one particular zenhabits post tab open on my browser; “Top 20 Motivation Tips”, it says. How reassuring having that tab open all the time is to me.
And I remembered cackling at some points that are recommended in that blog post. One of them suggests; “Make a big public commitment. Be fully committed... Create a blog and announce to the world that you are going to achieve a certain goal by a certain date. Commit yourself to the hilt.”
On tandem with that suggestion it also says, “Keep a daily journal of your goal.”
And both suggestions might seem fresh and novel to people who have never delved into personal writing or transferring their personal reflection into some physical form. However, these ideas are not new to me. At one point, I made it an irremovable portion of my daily activities––well, until university kicks in and it has become too overwhelming for me to recount things that have happened in my life.
“FUCKING PATHETIC EXCUSES FROM SUCH BOGUS SELF-DETERMINATION.”
I would often tell myself that whenever I am reminded of the pages of entries I have missed in my diary.
Instead of empowering me, being reminded of those 2 out of the 20 tips in the list has constantly made me discourage myself. Until I read a Medium article on how we often delude ourselves into thinking that the world has continuously wronged us when in fact it has always merely been our evolutionary fight-or-flight instinct––fear––channeling all our unknowingly untapped energy into a lot of worrying, endless mulling, feeling of helplessness.
Which reminds me of a particular TED talk covering a similar area of focus, only the word that the speaker used then was stress. A condition. Very most likely ignited by fear too. Nevertheless, both stresses the endless possibility that we can achieve by befriending this energy derived from our dark thoughts.
That brings me to the question; why do I fear a lot of things? --which I will never have the answer to, I suppose as all I can think of are valid points for a rational person being a risk-averse. Even the economics says so (IIRC).
But I certainly know that I have been translating my fear into something numbing. Like a drug. The thoughts stemming from my fear have dark roots, branching out to all corners of my dingy mind bungalow, torturing me inside. And they are so powerful. I am so weakweakweakweakweak.
It turns into a vicious cycle as I fear to encounter my fear.
I want to escape. But there’s no Esc button for that, and you can’t certainly alt-F9 life for a while to catch your breath? Last time I thought I could do that, I ended up deserting my internship.
Breaking the paragraph right there because it gets darker and I want to stop myself before I end up not getting this writing done and instead, proceed to curl myself like a cooked prawn in my sleep
so, why do I keep subjecting myself to this toxic element?
To be fair, there is a reason why our instinct has been evolutionarily designed such way. We just want to stay alive. In the end, we are just helpless striving creatures, trying our best to survive. For what reason? For what purpose? The answers to those questions may be something related to the goals and dreams each of us has in mind. Above all, however, is an unanswered question to the objective purpose of our existence in the world, in this life. In my opinion, however, it can actually be answered if you acknowledge the causative relationships brought about by each of our existence towards each other.
And that’s where it almost makes a perfect sense in the overall picture, to me. Our anxiety derived from our fight-or-flight instinct is supposedly an engine that can channel our fear energy bits into achieving something amazing for our livelihood and survivability. But if we channel these energy bits unproductively, we’ll just end up getting trapped in vicious cycles of dark thoughts and fatigue of helplessness.
This personal reflection is not going to delve a lot into mental illness and psychology as beats me, I don’t have enough experience and knowledge to account for those into my consideration as I write this. Hence, I would like to believe that I can control this energy bit, the sense of urgency laced in my sympathetic nervous system as I worry about my current and future well-being. I believe I can put my trust in this dreadful feeling and the energy I have mustered into worrying whatever it is that I’m worried about to do something about it. A n y t h i n g.
I personally think that’s what personal care really entails. Not the winding down, taking a break, cutting off the social media, and whatnot. In my opinion, it’s really the feeling of having everything under my control. The realisation that I am still in charge of what I can do now, today, and tomorrow, no matter what happened yesterday, and what will happen a second from now.
After all, to hell with things outside my control, I still want to strive and live my life, realising whatever causative relationships I have with the people around me.
[entry] these are the ripped pages that I still kept inside my folders
For many years, I have been known as that girl in the class who embarked the most fulfilling life at school––good grades, continuously represent school for regionals, flexible circles of friends, great supportive parents, siblings with similar fulfilling lives, a hint of reverence whenever people mention my name––this is most likely my ego glorifying my seemingly successful good ol' days, but you get the gist of what an easy life sounds like. No? You said there is no such thing as an easy life?
You're probably right, in those times, I do have things I wish I had done differently, but I had somehow managed not to mull over them for as long as I lived my mundane life in the little corner of the world that I have always called my hometown.
Things have taken a turn once I ventured into my college life. Going abroad to kickstart my higher education, getting enrolled in a prestigious university; it had been as if that this series of events was the continuation of my good easy life. Seemingly an endless constant, one that I had started to take granted for as I took a long sigh of relief at the sight of my admission letter. However, like I said, things have taken a turn. And boy did it take a turn.
Being away from the comfort of home and parents, starting out in a new social environment, seemingly free schedule yet all these checklists keep getting shoved into my face; co-curricular activities, organisational experiences to achieve, academic "exposure" I have to experience in my four years.
Short but long four years, long but short four years. God, have mercy.
It has been two and a half years-ish. Tears easily finding their way to my eyes, planners going havoc, and journals spouting lies I told myself to console myself that perhaps; I just have never got the hang of it even once. Unlike those seemingly impressive days.
Or perhaps, I have never got the hang of it throughout all these times, but these lies had always been good enough of a cover to hide the shattered glasses that are my walkways. Have my socks always been this red?
They say it is a good start to admit that you are unknowingly broken. Wow for me, please.
[initially published on one of my thousands blog sites on 14 December 2018]
미움 받기 싫다는 이유 만으로 저는 너무 멀리 와버린 것 같아요 원하는 게 있다면 기어이 내줄 수 있었지만 어느 샌가 닫혀버리고 나니 아무데도 제 마음을 줄 데가 없었어요 덕분에 미움은 더 안사게 되었지만 사랑까지 잃게 될 줄은 몰랐지 뭐에요 누군가를 그리워 하는 마음도 지친다는 생각이 들 정도로 고요함과는 거리가 멀었던 추한 기억도
차라리 그게 나았던 거에요 지금의 저로서는 아무 것도 할 수가 없어요
이제야 깨달았어요 무감정의 연속으로 살아오는 건 죽은 것과 다름이 없다고요
저의 고독과는 무관하게 잘 지내고 계시겠죠
언젠가 “제가 행복한 게 싫어요?” 라고 말하시던 게 떠오르네요 이상하게도 그 질문에 쉽게 답이 나오지 않았어요 제 마음 어딘가에 나로 인해 행복하지 않으면 아무 의미 없다는 생각이라도 든 걸까요 그것은 이기적인 것이라서 급히 숨겨놓고 되는 대로 아무 말이나 내뱉었던 기억이 나네요
그럼에도 불구하고 앞으로도 잘 지냈으면 좋겠어요
가끔 제 생각도 해주세요 잊혀지는 건 두렵지 않은데 잊는 건 무섭거든요
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I am just here to pour out a sickening hubbub feeling pulsating inside me. I was triggered by a local webtoon I read to kill time to say the least –– I shouldn't have since it is nearing exam week but I couldn't help it, and now I am regretting it as my mind is filled with unwanted flashbacks.
The art is pretty, that is what has initially caught me to click it in the first place. I was entranced by the choice of the colours and the watercolour vibes in the art style. Now that this entry is turning into a review-like thing, I should probably gush about the webtoon "Salty Studio" sometimes –– I really really really like such art styles.
Sorry I am sidetracking a lot, it is probably my inner self trying so hard to avoid coming back to this pathetic matter. As I am typing all this down, I am actually noting how it is hard for me to objectively assess my current mental state.
***
The webtoon is an Indonesian webtoon available on LINE webtoon platform. You could trick the region locator by clicking into webtoons.com/id I think. I haven't checked whether or not this webtoon has been translated into other languages but I would suppose some fans have translated it to English..
It's called "Matahari 1/2 Lingkar" in the local language, meaning "Semicircular Sun". If I were the cross-border operation director for LINE Webtoon, I would probably suggest a better-sounding translated title like "demi-lune soleil" or "mezzaluna sole" (although some translates mezzaluna as crescent-shaped, so I'm not entirely sure). I took half-moon instead of semicircle because apparently other worldly translations to semicircle sucks (hehe). But I digress as I am not confident myself if I am using the correct grammar right there. Anyway...
The story follows Kayra, a graphic designer, 10 plus years later after her first love and first heartbreak, all the while we would be clamouring to support her in her struggle to move on (yes, we would be clamouring and making whale noises).
You might think,
"10 years already, and still not moving on?!"
or something along the lines of "what an exaggeratedly dramatic person?!" And perhaps as we follow her in her journey, there would be times you might be thinking to yourself, "There is a new guy right there, I can't believe she is still in the past?! I can't relate with her," and you'll probably end up remarking
"I can't deal with this kind of character development."
By the way, I am not making these up, these are practically a summary of some comments to the webtoon. On a side note, I am so glad it is not the opinion of the majority. In fact, in the most recent chapters, everyone has been cheering for Kay. #goKay
But for those of you who are a little bit more attentive and suspecting, you'd probably would like some background story before jumping into conclusions. For that, thank you very much and here I welcome you our other main character, Arka (pronounced like archa- of archaic).
Just like the name suggests, Arka is was is was like a sunshine to Kay, they shared moments in high school. Arka was there to encourage Kay in her aspirations, Kay was there to stirred a funny yet pleasant feeling in Arka. It was as cute as any high school romance. You'd probably getting flashbacks from reading it like I did.
Anyway, this half-review-half-ranting entry is not supposed to spoil stuff for you future fans. But I would guess that webtoon readers' age demographics probably consists of a wide range of personalities, and I’m not really here to judge what personal interpretation or perspective you are going to take as you read. However, a reminder to future readers is; I want y’all to put yourself in the shoes of Kay and Arka as you delve further into their stories, conflicts, interactions, and whatever that is. The flashbacks you are getting might be tempting enough for you to compare what you used to have and what is going on in the story.
As for my opinion, I personally feel that most of the readers fail to see why Kay fails to move on after 10+ years. It might be from the author repeatedly portraying her worst flashbacks in some chapters to the point that led everyone to be unable to sympathise towards her. I am aware that this was going on until the truth behind the past conflicts that keeps haunting Kay was revealed.
Oh, right! I haven't exactly introduced myself. Hi, I am the owner of this tumblr and the next-door wordpress. I used to have the same opinion as the other commenters, despite being a 'Kay' myself.
Yes. I haven't moved on from my first crush in junior high school that transcended to another 2 years in high school because my hometown is too small. At this juncture, it is already entering its eighth year, and I am not typing it down to gush about it (not sure if it is something to brag about anyway).
I personally am sick at Kay's constant self-submission to her thoughts that it is all her fault that things around her are all going down. Until I said this out loud,
"but what about myself?"
Then I realised that Kay just has never experienced the closure that she needs to move on. That's why the flashbacks keep replaying, that's why the idea of him never goes away. You, especially if you have graduated from high school or have long expired (lol), might think it has been years—surely, there must have been exciting things that could have distracted her along those years.
And the answer is obviously no in her case. You will find a chapter explaining that. However, in short, if you have no closure whatsoever, it is going to weigh your mind for as long as you stow away these feelings, especially for people like Kay. If you are pragmatic enough to be able to let go of the memories of your first love even without closure, good for you then. But for some people, those memories would be etched forever so stickily and it may even cripple them until an established label (that is closure, ladies and gentlemen) is plastered onto these memories and translated as "it's okay, let's move on!"
Coming back to me, I would say my case isn't as bad as Kay's. I do not have my fair share of closure to actually be able to completely shut these memories away. But I am still a lot better in getting myself busy or deluding myself into thinking that I have moved on. However, as I think of getting myself to fall in love with someone new, I can't bring myself to do it and I will constantly compare my current situation with the ones I had with him. And that's why I am still triggered if I dream about him in my sleep.
[SPOILERS AHEAD]
I do have to clear things up that this feeling is not an expectant feeling towards him. Kay is not expecting that Arka would one day return her feelings or come to love her again. That's unrealistic and that is what you would refer as feeling obsessed. According to the timeline, they are nearing 30 years old, so I would assume that Kay must have ever imagined Arka being in a relationship with someone else. Even I, who is still in its early mint age towards 20, do sometimes wonder if he has already met his significant other.
I personally feel that a part of the issues stemmed from Kay being hesitant to meet someone whom she used to hold very close towards her. I always find human relationships weird––imagine; there used to be that person whom you find very precious, and lo’ and behold several years later, you were no longer in contact with that person anymore. Furthermore, imagine if that guy used to say that he liked you, YET you were unable d how you feel towards him––just what do you expect her to do? It's heart-wrenching, it's tightening, it's scary, it's just sad. You can even feel the same hesitation in Arka's point of view. Let me spell the reason out to you, if you still don't get it. THEY USED TO BE SPECIAL TO EACH OTHER.
For something that used to be so wonderful and colourful in your life, something that you had expected to last for a long long time, to be estranged one day just HURTS so badly. Plain and simple fact. They also haven't come to terms about it, and to me, that is just driving-a-screwdriver-to-your-heart.
"Does he still hate me?"
"What would happen if we meet again?"
These are probably some of the common questions asked by people who can't move on. There is also an implicit uneasiness lacing these questions. And it is mainly derived from the worry that,
"Are we never going back to how we used to be like?"
Because losing someone so important in your life, or having to let go of what used to be especially from something that is out of your control, is so much to take in.
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hewwo, i havent seen any of your recent post in either this tumblr nor your blog. so when i saw you pop up on twitter again, i was thinking if i could reach out to you. i feel so useless in real life, and when i thought i did have people in my back, they usually weren't there. it just felt so lonely and idk if i could cope with this tiring expectation.
I am actually surprised that people actually come here to read my childish ramblings. Anyway, I have to start by apologising for this late reply.I have to tell you that in my opinion, feeling useless and lonely in life is okay. It means that you are human, and human is not supposed to be self-sufficient. That being said, I want you to embrace your weakness but not feeling succumbed to it. It must be tiring to drag oneself to go through a day feeling like that, I will not kid you on that, but I know that somehow you will get things done! Because I believe in you, and I want you to do so.
When expectations are tiring, I usually think to myself that I want to do it at least for myself and my future self, as I think of the repercussions of not going through the activities that I need to do. I find it very simple to finish my to-do list when I don’t put others into the equation and you don’t have to put others into the equation when you don’t feel like it :)
Feel free to contact me through twitter, I rarely tweet but I am always there lurking hehe.
your entries are so cute, I can't help but wanting to wish all the best for you. I myself, have been having a hard time finding love again and work just swamps me that I don't even have the mind space to be thinking of such. I want to know your opinions on this :'| -from a sad sad gal having fallen out of love for years-
I feel you. I have actually been out of tumblr and blogging, or even writing on my journal because school, commitments, and social life has been extra hectic for me this semester. And I personally feel that it’s alright if you want to prioritise so, don’t feel bad if you feel weird not having the rosy background around you just because you’re not feeling it anymore. You’re not feeling it at the moment because you just haven’t met that someone who would occupy that busy mind space of yours hehe :)All the best with work! I am praying for that Prince-Charming-of-yours-to-be; he will have to prepare himself for this wonderful girl that is you <3
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