今日を振り返ってぱっと思った事、どうぞ。

I actually started drafting this before I even finish writing answers for the third question. Recently, I have just been in the same old slump where I don’t feel inspired to do anything. At the same time, I can’t even start working on my own projects because I’d feel guilty over the time being spent doing that. But the consciousness in my attempt to recover myself from the slump is hundred times worse because by the time I try, the realisation over not having done at all weighs so heavy, and it starts suffocating me and before I know it, I am not able to do anything AGAIN.

And looking back, I have realised that this is the one thing that always seems to relapse. I want it to stop, I have tried a plethora of many different methods to make these feelings stop, but it’s just easier to run away, curl my body in a protective prawn shape, hide under my blankets, play some relaxing 女性向け roleplay to lull myself to hopefully a never-ending slumber (by the way, wowie I’ve broken my only headsets). Also, have I ever told you about the suicidal thoughts I have been having yet I am so scared to act upon?

This is the perfect time to bring up Grey’s Anatomy, not because I’ve been binging on it (for your information, George has this very adorable puppy look in most of his screen time and I am dying to draw him), but more because I feel like Meredith kinda has the same problem of relapsing “conditions”. I was referring to early S2 stuffs, iirc (I don’t really check episode number) where she’d sleep around, emotionally exhaust people around her because she couldn’t get over Derek. Well, my Derek is the past failures and disappointment that keeps on haunting me at the back of my mind. They linger like ghosts that recurrently show up in the long dreams I keep having after I wake up to turn my alarms off.

朝・昼・夜なら、どれが好き？

I initially thought the answer to this question would be easy but it turns out that I don’t really have a preference. I always thought staying up late doing my own thing in the middle of the night while the whole world is sleeping is my idea of peace, but when I first moved in to my new place and woke up as early like 5am-ish, I felt great too having slept normal sleeping hours like a normal person would have, had they have no depression (yeah?)

So what is my favourite time of the day? God knows rght now I just want all the time of the world to do all the things that I like without guilt, without feeling like shit, without feeling like I am wasting my time on things people have led me to believe I shouldn’t care about.

Nevertheless, I think I can proceed this entry with explaining how I’d like to spend my day.

If I get to wake up in the morning, I’d like to just lay down on my bed, clearing my inboxes of newsletters and news chunk, in hope of reading something interesting, then I’d kick off my day with some infotainment bits, either from YouTube or Twitter, just to give me some glimpse of how stupid the world and mankind can be — a little bit of boost to my inferiority complex, to help my crumbling pride, if you will.

Then, in an ideal world, I’d cook my meals. And in an ideal world, I’d have the pantry shelf to myself, and I’d have the perfect size counter and utensils. In an ideal world, my iron cast won’t stick because I’d have the time to season and re-season it.

In the afternoon, I’d be writing, or reading, or watching, or recording myself talking about stuffs that I read or heard or watched. Just enjoying thinking without stress and being pressured to do so, without any obligations whatsoever.

I’d shower with Alexa playing my favourite playlist. Alexa would be playing ‘Radiolab’ or ‘Reply All’, and I’d be able to focus on what’s being said because I don’t really have to pay attention on what I’d be doing afterward as I listen.

I’d read all the books I’ve listed on Goodreads, squeal over my ships sailing, lightly punch the mattress at how boring my life is. Welp, but I’d still choose this type of boring over unpredictability.

I’d watch all the shows I want to watch, with my cold brew tea in a small glass cup that I’d be holding like a saké cup.

In the evening, it would just be some socialising, and then more watching, reading, and self-projects that I’d not beat myself over if they didn’t turn out well.

And

Lying on the bed with my MUJI humidifier on, scent of eucalyptus wafting in the air, and cute boy voices playing through my earphones to fulfil my emotional needs.

Yup, I’m grinning from ear to ear just from typing this all.

一年後、どうなってたい？

I am writing again! And initially, the question diary app I am using that I had installed on my other phone gave me “Are you afraid to die?” on the second day. But now since I have reinstalled it, it is giving me a different one. And it’s also in Japanese because my current phone settings are in Japanese.

So I did some digging on the app and I realised that questions can be submitted by other users too?? (because I actually found a question in a very cringey text style under English options). And because of that, I had decided to stick with the in-app Japanese questions, and so here we are; I’m sorry for the boring preface (lol).

Not gonna lie, these questions really trigger me and I’m not sure if I am able to keep up with this commitment to continue writing on this blog. But I am on a creative writing rut so I’m not sure if I am able to write anything for Wattpad either (*cough* check my hormonal wattpad stories, plez *cough*).

Nevertheless, I guess answering this question prompts me to tell you how my life is like currently. After all, you can only project so much on what you want to be in life because you can’t dismiss how life is currently treating you right now. I mean I could give you a totally delusional answer too after I go through the truthful answer but that’s just to keep this whole post fluffy and floating (look forward to it at the end of this post).

あなたは幸せですか？

That short question alone makes me think and re-think a lot of things that have happened in my life, and my previous entry on my glorious days. To give you some background, that entry was from last year and I did not have such a blast with my exam results then. I hated a lot of things that were going on in my life then too. It stemmed from my self-deprecating pathetic excuses. The funny thing was how I had felt good about myself for having been appreciated during my internship before the semester started.

These mood swings do really make you wonder what the state of being happy is like? Looking at how the question is being phrased as well as from my understanding, happiness is never a continuing state, in my opinion. It is static, and when asking if one’s happy or not, you need to specify the time of interest––had I been happy before university? Am I happy now?