#stargazer thoughts

And I remembered cackling at some points that are recommended in that blog post. One of them suggests; “Make a big public commitment. Be fully committed... Create a blog and announce to the world that you are going to achieve a certain goal by a certain date. Commit yourself to the hilt.”

On tandem with that suggestion it also says, “Keep a daily journal of your goal.”

And both suggestions might seem fresh and novel to people who have never delved into personal writing or transferring their personal reflection into some physical form. However, these ideas are not new to me. At one point, I made it an irremovable portion of my daily activities––well, until university kicks in and it has become too overwhelming for me to recount things that have happened in my life.

“FUCKING PATHETIC EXCUSES FROM SUCH BOGUS SELF-DETERMINATION.”

I would often tell myself that whenever I am reminded of the pages of entries I have missed in my diary.

Instead of empowering me, being reminded of those 2 out of the 20 tips in the list has constantly made me discourage myself. Until I read a Medium article on how we often delude ourselves into thinking that the world has continuously wronged us when in fact it has always merely been our evolutionary fight-or-flight instinct––fear––channeling all our unknowingly untapped energy into a lot of worrying, endless mulling, feeling of helplessness.

Which reminds me of a particular TED talk covering a similar area of focus, only the word that the speaker used then was stress. A condition. Very most likely ignited by fear too. Nevertheless, both stresses the endless possibility that we can achieve by befriending this energy derived from our dark thoughts.

That brings me to the question; why do I fear a lot of things? --which I will never have the answer to, I suppose as all I can think of are valid points for a rational person being a risk-averse. Even the economics says so (IIRC).

But I certainly know that I have been translating my fear into something numbing. Like a drug. The thoughts stemming from my fear have dark roots, branching out to all corners of my dingy mind bungalow, torturing me inside. And they are so powerful. I am so weakweakweakweakweak.

It turns into a vicious cycle as I fear to encounter my fear. 

I want to escape. But there’s no Esc button for that, and you can’t certainly alt-F9 life for a while to catch your breath? Last time I thought I could do that, I ended up deserting my internship.

Breaking the paragraph right there because it gets darker and I want to stop myself before I end up not getting this writing done and instead, proceed to curl myself like a cooked prawn in my sleep

so, why do I keep subjecting myself to this toxic element?

To be fair, there is a reason why our instinct has been evolutionarily designed such way. We just want to stay alive. In the end, we are just helpless striving creatures, trying our best to survive. For what reason? For what purpose? The answers to those questions may be something related to the goals and dreams each of us has in mind. Above all, however, is an unanswered question to the objective purpose of our existence in the world, in this life. In my opinion, however, it can actually be answered if you acknowledge the causative relationships brought about by each of our existence towards each other. 

And that’s where it almost makes a perfect sense in the overall picture, to me. Our anxiety derived from our fight-or-flight instinct is supposedly an engine that can channel our fear energy bits into achieving something amazing for our livelihood and survivability. But if we channel these energy bits unproductively, we’ll just end up getting trapped in vicious cycles of dark thoughts and fatigue of helplessness.

This personal reflection is not going to delve a lot into mental illness and psychology as beats me, I don’t have enough experience and knowledge to account for those into my consideration as I write this. Hence, I would like to believe that I can control this energy bit, the sense of urgency laced in my sympathetic nervous system as I worry about my current and future well-being. I believe I can put my trust in this dreadful feeling and the energy I have mustered into worrying whatever it is that I’m worried about to do something about it. A n y t h i n g.

I personally think that’s what personal care really entails. Not the winding down, taking a break, cutting off the social media, and whatnot. In my opinion, it’s really the feeling of having everything under my control. The realisation that I am still in charge of what I can do now, today, and tomorrow, no matter what happened yesterday, and what will happen a second from now. 

After all, to hell with things outside my control, I still want to strive and live my life, realising whatever causative relationships I have with the people around me.

–––2019/09/11