No Cherry Bombs

Paimon: Traveler, is it just Paimon, or do those look like...?

Lumine: Yep. Dodocos. That can only mean one thing - I'm providing unpaid labor for witches again.

Barbeloth: In my defense, this was not my idea.

Alice: It's your prophecy, Barbie! Don't go shirking your responsibility now.

Barbeloth: I don't want to hear that coming from YOU, of all people.

Lumine: Oh my god, ladies, please. Let's at least try to make this as pain-free as possible. What thankless task do you have for me this time?

Barbeloth: I've uncovered a rather expansive prophecy involving many important individuals, and so I have set up here that I may await their arrival. Then Alice decided to turn the whole affair into a tea party, one thing led to another, and... well. Here we are.

Lumine, looking at the Guest List: Uh huh. And by what cosmic coincidence do you think that Yae Miko is going to come all the way over to the Court of Fontaine, wander by and generously decide to give you the time of day?

Barbeloth: ...

Lumine: Oh. Right. I'M the cosmic coincidence.

Alice: Look on the bright side: once you've collected everyone, you'll be first in line for tea and cake!

Lumine: Alice, I can go out and buy tea and cake whenever I want. You've gotta come up with something better, because this is the worst bribe in the history of bribery.

Alice: Yes, but is it working?

Lumine: Ugh, fuck my life.

Alice: See? I told you it would work.

Barbeloth: Incredible. Even those fully severed from the ties of fate still dance at the end of Alice's puppetstrings.

Lumine: It's more like Alice and I both answer to the same higher power: in-universe fanservice crossover events.

Alice: Exactly! Now you're getting it!

Sandrone, slamming open the door of Pantalone's office: PANTALONE!

Pantalone: I'm right here, Marionette, there's no need to shout.

Sandrone: I'M NOT SHOUTING! Why the hell did you deny my funding requisition?! Are you still mad because I helped Columbina kill your stupid shitty boyfriend?

Pantalone: As much as I would love to make your life a living nightmare for a myriad of personal reasons, my dear Marionette, this denial was strictly business.

Sandrone: Bullshit. What's your genius financial reasoning this time?

Pantalone, squinting at a document: It was a bad investment. I simply cannot in good conscience dedicate 23.5 million of Her Majesty the Tsaritsa's mora to paying for a... Fontainian "fishing license".

Sandrone: It's not just a fishing license, you pompous ass!

Pantalone: Oh? And where, pray tell, is the rest of this money going?

Sandrone: It's... um... also for an aquarium. And employee salaries.

Pantalone: Yes, well. I'm afraid the point remains.

Sandrone: Fine! I'll just find some other way to pay for it!

Pantalone: Certainly, but 🎵 ~ remember ~🎵, capital reallocation between projects requires approval from the Budget Office.

Sandrone, slamming the door of Pantalone's office: FUCK YOU!

Capitano: What are you doing here, Dottore?

Dottore: Ah, if it isn't the Captain... or perhaps I should call you Lord of the Night now, given your current metaphysical constitution. Isn't it obvious? I've died.

Capitano: None of you have ever died before without some ulterior motive.

Dottore: I'm flattered that you appreciate my tactical genius, but the unfortunate truth is that I really did just eat a moon laser to the face. A tragically ignoble end, but what can one do? Such is life, after all.

Capitano: "Moon laser"? Columbina killed you? What the hell did you do that made her so angry?

Dottore: Among other things, kidnapped her and stole her power. She rather irritatingly chose to flee to a purgatorial pocket dimension to survive and, regrettably for me, returned in a substantially more powerful form.

Capitano: ...of course. Charming as always, Dottore. So what now?

Dottore: Alas, as my time on Teyvat appears to be up, I shall be returning to the Ley Lines. That is what happens when people die, is it not?

Capitano: You've never considered yourself "people", so forgive me for not taking you at your word.

Dottore: So mistrustful. Do you intend to stop me, then?

Capitano: No. The Ley Lines do not discriminate, so you may take your leave. That said, I had better not hear stories about you later that make me regret this decision.

Lumine: Welcome back from the dead. You look... different.

Sandrone: Stop beating around the bush and just spit it out already!

Lumine: Your skirt is... um... much shorter than it was the last time I saw you.

Sandrone: Ugh, tell me about it! Those fucking amateurs at the Research Institute couldn't follow a Technical Specifications Document if it grabbed them by the balls and squeezed, and now I look like a whore.

Lumine: It's not that bad.

Sandrone: It's a travesty. Poor Alain would be generating electricity if they had wrapped him in copper before burying his corpse.

Columbina, floating by: Oh, hi Sandrone! I love the new outfit. Really accentuates your legs. See you around!

Sandrone: ...that said, I could learn to live with this.

Heavenly Messenger (HM): My Lord, I bring news from the surface. Dost thou remember thy angels?

Phanes: Verily, one of my worse ideas all told. What of the traitorous little mongrels? Last I checked, they did fuck around and subsequently found out.

HM: Yes, well, the one known as Nicole has allied herself with the mage called Alice.

Phanes: "Allied"? With that blonde maniac?

HM: Aye. One might say that they are in cahoots, my Lord.

Phanes: Cahoots! Gods be damned, can one not get a moment's peace in this wretched hellhole?!

HM: I am sure thou shalt have no trouble dealing with them as thou wilt, my Lord.

Phanes: Hast thou ever dealt with the Mad Witch Alice before? Because if thou hadst, thou wouldst not speak such idiocy in my presence. I simply cannot with this right now. Make it someone else's problem. Get Naberius to do it, she hath not been busy recently, has she?

HM: My Lord, Naberius was consumed.

Phanes: I'm sorry, what dost thou mean, "Naberius was consumed"?

HM: Uh... I mean to say that Naberius was devoured and no longer exists independently as the Shade of Life, but as a facet of the rogue Khaenri'ahn alchemist Gold.

Phanes: A Khaenri'ahn ate my Shade?! I thought we killed them all!

HM: Nay, my Lord, quite the opposite. Ronova cursed them with immortality, remember?

Phanes: Right, shit, she did do that. I always suspected the immortality curse was a bad decision. When did this "consumption" occur?

HM: We are not sure, my Lord. Nobody was paying much attention at the time, what with the cataclysm and all.

Data Dottore, holding a giant electro sword: Ahh. I knew you'd come. To stand before the Irminsul. To become-

Lumine: Hey, yeah, sorry to interrupt your super important villain monologue, but are you trying to pull a Sir Gideon Ofnir right now?

Data Dottore: Excuse me?

Lumine: Don't play dumb with me, jackass, that's obviously the Magatsu Mitake Narukami no Mikoto - Baleful Shadowlord's "Final Calamity" technique. You stole it from a different boss fight.

Data Dottore: Nonsense. Stealing as such is beneath a scientist of my caliber. I have merely iterated on a few maneuvers from Irminsul's databanks when I had a bit of free time.

Lumine: For a supposed evil genius, you're the biggest plagiarist I've ever met. What else have you got in there? Bloodtide Banquet? Severing Primal Fire? Ooh, how about Celestial Voyager? That one's a classic.

Data Dottore: What you are referring to is called "innovation", though I understand that the distinction between scientific progress and plagiarism might elude someone of your intellectual capacity.

Lumine: Uh huh. Was that what you said when you got expelled from the Akademiya?

Data Dottore: Oh look, the invasive species has a sense of humor. We'll see if you're still laughing when I expel you from existence.

Lumine: Because that worked out so well for you during your first weekly boss fight. You're even stealing from yourself now! Can you get any more derivative?

Data Dottore: I prefer to think of it as having strong methodological reproducibility.

Varka: Okay, listen up. Got a report on Liyue from the Honorary Knight, and I have good news and bad news.

Kaeya: Still playing games, Grand Master? Fine, I'll bite. Give me the good news first.

Varka: We finally found a horse.

Kaeya: Seriously?! I've been Cavalry Captain for years and was starting to think I would never live to see the day. This is amazing! What's the bad news?

Varka: The bad news is there's only one, and she's an Adeptus who is currently occupying a humanoid form.

Kaeya: ...is she hot?

Varka: I don't know, maybe?

Kaeya: So you're telling me I get to ride a horse who's also a hot woman?

Varka: If my intel is correct, she's an ancient moon goddess, so, uh... obviously, you'd need her permission. But otherwise, yeah, I guess that's what that means.

Kaeya: Not to get ahead of myself, Grand Master, but I'm having trouble seeing this as anything besides an absolute win.

Childe: We're just dropping like flies, huh? Don't tell me I have to go to Dottore's funeral next.

Pierro: Il Dottore will not receive a state funeral, having been convicted of treason prior to his death. We are also unable to confirm that he is actually dead.

Pantalone: He had better not be, that cockroach owes me 800 million mora for the loan he took out to finance his moonbat research institute.