Reading,writing,dreaming &nonsense

“Hey, Az…what…what are you doing awake?” 

“Are you busy?” 

“If by busy you mean utterly failing at these strawberry basil bars- then yes. But otherwise- I’ve got sometime- what’s up?” 

“If I send you an address, can you meet me there in 10?” 

“Oh, yeah. Quinn and Dre have got it for the afternoon shift- send it.” 

“Okay- see you in a bit. Love you.”

“Love you too, Az.” 

He glanced over at his realtor and she shook her head. He’d purposefully kept quiet about why he was looking to move. If this place wasn’t good for Lainey- it didn’t matter what he thought about it. But as he took another look around the open concept main floor, he hoped that Lainey would like this as much as he did. It was the first place he’d walked into that felt like it could be their home for years to come and that was part of why he had needed to come back. 

That first night he had reconciled with the realization of what wanting years with her meant. Of how a little over two and a half months had passed and he was already planning the rest of his life with her. It was also the night he’d started looking for engagement rings. That was, perhaps, even more infuriating than shopping for a new apartment.  

“Does she know?” 

“It’s a surprise. Which may be idiotic, but I didn’t want her worrying about this- can we go down to street level to wait?” 

“Absolutely. If you had mentioned this was for you and your girlfriend- I would have shown you more places like this earlier on, Azriel.” 

“Tabitha- please- just don’t. Right now, as far as she knows, I just want to get out of my current building.” 

“Ah- so the honest approach?” 

“Half of the closet is hers- I just want her opinion on it.” 

“Yes. Yes- because that is exactly who you are, Azriel Mortwyn.”

A pointed look and Tabitha just shook her head as they got in the elevator to go back down to street level. The first floor- like so many in this area- was a mix of businesses. Almost everything they would need- only a short elevator ride away. He could already see Lainey running down here to get something she needed and then popping back up to their place. Their place. It was truly what he wanted this to be. He wanted this to be something that was for them- not their own places that were ill fitted for their new purpose. 

He spotted her long before she saw him. Her hair a long braid down her back- a lavender ditsy floral dress and her work clogs, a cardigan that had disappeared from his place a few weeks back guarding against the spring chill that was in the air. He watched as she took in her surroundings. A mix of old and new. The old brick buildings next to soaring skyscrapers, planters every few feet which were currently barren, but he knew would have some of her favorite flowers in only a few weeks. The restaurant they’d had their- real- first date at and he watched as she stopped for a moment and just smiled- probably thinking of that day in the same way he did when he walked by. 

Her eyes met his and he watched her face transform. Delight replaced her observing the world around her as she waved at him. God, he hoped she always looked at him like this. That he could be a good enough partner to deserve it. He knew they’d both eventually do things to hurt the other, but he wanted to keep that on her face for as much of the rest of her life as possible. He scooped her up into a hug, pressing a kiss to her forehead, before turning back to his real estate agent. 

“Elain Archeron- this is Tabitha Green- my real estate agent.” 

“Oh, oh. So that’s what’s in this building. Google didn’t help a bit. Nice to meet you, Tabitha.” 

“Nice to meet you as well- right this way.” 

He saw the confusion flash on Lainey’s face and then it was quickly replaced by her default customer service look. She did not know Tabitha- so she’d be polite, but as her hand gripped his a bit more tightly- he wondered if this was a horrible idea. He wondered if this was all too much, too soon. And he tried to push that away as the words of both her sisters and his best friends echoed through his mind. Elain wasn’t used to being loved out loud, of being considered as part of his plan for the future. Her ex had never done that- had always moved forward with what he wanted and never considered Elain. He hoped she would see that this was his way of consideration, of wanting her input, even if at the moment this was all for himself. 

The doors slid open and they followed behind Tabitha- there were only a handful of apartments on this floor. Enough that they would have some neighbors, but not so many that it was likely that they’d have noise issues. Both of them needed uninterrupted rest- perhaps more than they admitted to anyone else. He gave her a reassuring smile as Tabitha opened the door and motioned them inside, Elain first, with him close behind her. 

“It’s a three-bed, two and a half bath- loft apartment. All of the bedrooms are on the top floor. Down here you can see the lovely floor to ceiling windows with a view of downtown Chicago–” 

“Tab- I’ve got it. Can you give us some space?” 

“Oh, yes. Absolutely.” 

He watched as Elain ran her hands over the countertops, her eyes going to the dual ovens and then flashing over to him. He felt the corners of his mouth lift as her confusion and then realization grew. He could feel how nervous she was, feel what she wanted to ask, but was not sure how to voice. So he waited. He stayed near her and he waited. 

“So, you’ve been house hunting in your spare time?” 

“Yeah. My place just doesn’t work for what I need anymore, but before I did this, I wanted to make sure…I wanted to see if this was a place that worked for you too.” 

He watched the tremor go through her body a moment before the tears started streaming down her cheeks. This was not the reaction he’d hoped for, but he pulled her into his chest and she settled there, her hands clinging to him as he felt her nodding her head against his chest. Overwhelmed. He’d completely overwhelmed her, but even as he cradled her to him, his breathing calm, the words that fell from his mouth only a whisper- she just sank into him. 

“But if we…Az…I don’t know how…” 

“It’s just an apartment, Lainey. Yes, it’s closer to your work. Yes, it’s a place we can grow into. Yes, I saw this kitchen and thought you’d love it. I just want to come home to the same place as you every night. But if this is too much- I can wait. We can keep doing what we’re doing right now until something like this makes sense.” 

“Show me the rest.” 

He wiped the tears away before he pressed a kiss to her lips, then gently took his hand in hers. There were parts of this loft that were for him, but in his soul this was a place that reminded him of her. He walked her through the large balcony porch- her eyes taking in the skyline- where they could see her bakery across the park. As they made their way upstairs, he felt her hand trailing along the handrail and he wondered if her mind went to the other set of stairs that had set them in motion. She paused in each of the guest bedrooms, before he walked her into what could be their bedroom and she froze. Another set of tall windows and a skyline view. He nudged her towards the bathroom and he saw the shock on her face- deceptively large- and with all the features she loved about his place. 

“A…Az…” 

“Yeah, baby?” 

“Can…can we paint this room green and tan and add the wallpaper I bought way too much of behind the mirrors?” 

“You can decorate this place however you want and I’ll happily be your painter, wallpaper assistant- but I’ll probably call someone else in if you want new fixtures.” 

“I…I’ve never…I don’t know what to say.” 

“Say that you want to make this place a home with me. But only if you mean it.” 

She turned to him and he saw the tears again. This time he knew they were happy tears, tears at someone caring more than she ever expected. She pulled him down to her and the kiss she gave him seared his soul. God, he loved this woman. He didn’t know how he’d gone over a year knowing her and not having the courage to ask her to really be in his life. She pulled away, her forehead rested against his and he felt her cheeks lift into a smile. 

“I want to build a home with you, Az. Only you.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four Months After

She glanced at her watch again. Rhys and Feyre’s flight had landed at O'Hare a little over an hour ago and she tried to keep herself calm as she fluffed pillows for what must have been the tenth time. It was just a weekend with her sisters and their partners. At her new home. With her boyfriend of only a handful of months. She could feel their judgment about it already and she really, really wanted for them to just be happy for her. To just be happy for them. The only saving grace was that Nesta loved Azriel and had only shrugged when she’d told her this plan. 

The door handle jiggled and her eyes darted to it. Azriel backed in first, his body relaxed as he joked with Feyre and Rhys- carrying one of their suitcases as Rhys handled the other. Her eyes darted to her sister, but before she could thoroughly catastrophize what she might be thinking, those steady arms wrapped around her and Azriel pressed a kiss to the top of her head. The pointed cough let her know she’d stayed in his arms a bit longer than socially acceptable, but as it ratcheted down her nervous system, she felt him squeeze her, letting her know she didn’t have to let go. Letting her know that he saw the panic that was running through her and would stay with her in it. It was one of the lingering things from her injury that she just couldn’t shake and the only thing they’d found was her settling in his arms until her body relaxed and she could breathe again.

“Oh my gosh- this view. I would just spend hours up here painting it. Can I…” 

“Yeah, make yourselves at home.” 

She heard the door slide open and closed, the panic still riding her body hard. Feyre and Nesta had always hated Graysen, had always remarked on how she let him rule her life. And, ultimately, the ‘I told you so’ that came along with the painful divorce. That came along with learning that her heart couldn’t be trusted. Would Feyre believe that this was different? Would she see the same things that she saw in Azriel that she knew was different than Graysen? Would she sit there and judge them for moving this quickly? 

“Baby, breathe with me okay? Breathe.” 

“Think…I rushed…that you…you are…you’re not like Graysen. You’re not like him. I…I can’t…” 

“Oh, Lainey. Okay. C’mon- try to breathe with me. He has no place here- he’s the one that fucked up. Not you.” 

“But what if…what if I’ve done it again and you and we and my sisters think that I’m a fool to even…” 

“They don’t. Did those shrieks sound like they were concerned you made a bad choice? Or like they were excited?” 

“Excited.” 

“Yeah, yeah they were so excited for you- for us. I got you, baby.” 

She felt him pick her up as she tried to suck in air. She hated these attacks. She hated what it did to her and she realized she’d been fighting this one all day. That from the moment she woke up, she had felt the panic right there- just waiting for the opportune time to take her over. He sat down on their couch- one of the many pieces of furniture she’d picked out over the last month and a half- and she wound up straddling his lap. His hand guided her face into his neck and he just rocked her with his body. He was calm and steady as everything was just too much and she willed her body to relax into him. But that almost never worked- the panic was not a battle of wills or something she could logically attack- they’d tried that. The only thing that reliably worked was this- him. Arms around her tight, murmuring things she couldn’t comprehend, but that her body responded and calmed to. 

“Shit, Lainey. I thought you were just nervous when I left. If I had realized- I would have tried to derail this more this morning. Fuck. I should make you some tea and–” 

“No. Don’t. Stay. You stay.” 

“I…okay, okay. I got you. I won’t move until this passes, okay?” 

“Please…please, Az.” 

He pressed butterfly soft kisses to where he could reach with her face buried against his neck. He gently lifted her head and pressed a firmer kiss to her lips and she felt herself exhale into him. She felt the fear loosen, even as he pulled away from the kiss and settled her face back into the crook of his neck. God. What were Feyre and Rhys thinking about her? About how she was acting? She was supposed to be better. She was supposed to be healed and… 

“Hey baby, what you thinking?” 

“Rhys and Feyre must think that I…that I’m…I’m supposed to be better by now, Az.” 

“I told them on the drive over that this sometimes happens. That we’re working through it and that their visit might trigger this. Baby- they get it. That's why they gave us some space.” 

“You…you told them that I…that we might need…that this…” 

She pulled back enough to look into his eyes and he just nodded. The vice-like grip on her soul finally loosened and she settled her forehead against his. Her breathing calmed, her body relaxed and she let out a long sigh as his hands continued to rub her back. She stayed like that for several minutes, before she finally was able to nod and he helped her settle on her feet. 

“Why don’t you go say hi and I’ll make you that tea you like? Then you can show Feyre the place while Rhys and I talk about a few things.” 

“I love you.” 

“Love you more, Lainey.” 

*****************

“Ellie- this place- you two. I’m so happy for you.” 

They had settled back on the balcony, in the outdoor furniture that they’d only gotten the week before. Feyre’s artist eye had zoned in on small details, things that Nesta never noticed or cared about. The large picture of her in front of the bakery that Azriel had insisted they blow up. Pictures of the three of them that littered some of the tables. Pictures of Azriel, Rhys, and Cass growing up- along with Azriel’s mother. The raven haired woman she had yet to meet and was terrified would reject her on sight- something that Azriel had assured her was nonsense. But also on the style of each of the guest rooms, the careful selections, and what Feyre had remarked more than once that Rhys would never let happen in their place. 

She hadn’t realized how lucky she’d been when Azriel just said yes to whatever she asked. The only thing he had insisted on was a good desk in one of the guestrooms for when he needed to do continuing education courses online. Other than that- she’d taken what she loved most from both of their places and built their home around those things. 

“I’m so sorry about the panic attack- it’s the one thing that I…” 

“Hey- stop. You’re alive. And that man in there loves you, so much. So much that he realized that something was off today and warned us that what happened could happen. If you don’t marry him, I might.” 

“Feyre!” 

“What? I have eyes. Besides- I don’t think he’s looking at anyone but you. He didn’t check out my ass a single time in this dress and I know it looks good.” 

“Feyre–” 

“What? I had to do a little test. Rhys talked me out of the test that would have gotten us sent to stay with Cass and Nes. Can…can I ask what the panic attacks are about?” 

“Everything. Nothing. The only consistent thing that works is well…what you saw. Our therapist has no working theory on what might be causing it.” 

“Other than a TBI that nearly killed you?” 

“Yeah. Other than that.” 

“I think he’s going to propose before Christmas.” 

“I swear you and Nes are in a competition for who can make me blush the reddest.” 

“We definitely are. But it’s because we love you and want you to be treated well and holy hell, does Azriel fit that bill.”