*twirls strand of hair around my finger* hes just soooo (starts describing the absolute worst man in the history of the world)

if you are a game designer and you force me to kill wolves AND you have them make sad puppy noises I'm killing you

see this never happens in spider solitaire for windows

'mobsters' are part of a 'mob'. and so you'd think 'lobsters' would be part of a 'lob', but ohohohhohoho, life just isn't so simple

obsessed with the pretty barista who flirted with me and then made me the worst chai latte of my life

a BOTTOM did this 

If you ever need reassurance that you’re smart I’ll share the fact I found out rice isn’t a noodle and it’s actually a plant literally last year

Just to be clear I’m incredibly smart and I’m not selling myself short this just wasnt my best hot boy moment

Hey, I have a question. What are noodles made out of?

I was under the assumption that it was boiled bread.

Why would anyone boil bread that isn't bagels and why did I have to be punched in the guts twice by these revelations

Why are you boiling your bagels

Today I learned from 10 people that you make bagels by boiling them

you what

You what

There is nothing to say about Dr Pepper

Dr Pepper’s greatness needs no introduction

we legally cannot say anything about dr pepper.

doctor-patient confidentiality

What if I told you it still exists but only in private gardens because the fungus will just kill it again and again without breeding them into a new banana that tastes different.