i think john's envy of arthur is a thing that is never really addressed or even all that prominent but has the potential to cast things in an interesting light. I can go ahead and do this in a cutesy season-by-season way that makes for a fun list but requires me to stretch a little bit but- who am i kidding thats exactly what im going to do.
Season 1 - Envy borne of Entitlement
John's behavior in season 1 is hard to write on top of because it is both intentionally chaotic due to John's early development as a king of madness and also just. Early season wank. The beard has yet to be grown in. its scraggly and patchy in places, and while effort will be made after the fact to fill those gaps later on, the patches remain.
But for the sake of analysis I'm going to have to decide which things he says are genuine, and which things are lies. Through this i come to an understanding of s1 John as a confused, lost, but importantly, deeply entitled person who believes that his inability to kill and dominate at his leisure is a grave injustice.
Like its not just that he thinks he should have a body. He thinks he should have this body. He was given other options, but when they didn't bow to his will he just killed them. This vessel was supposed to be easier to control, but for reasons he can't remember, John didn't get what he wanted.
Arthur is beneath him. He shouldnt have survived, be allowed to keep this body, when John wants it as well. It doesnt make sense and it pisses John off, and that frustration leaks through whenever Arthur exerts control over their situation.
He's like this little dude from the 'Femenazi stole my ice cream' gif. His envy comes from a place of believing that he is inherently more deserving of power, such that anything that might resist his domination is acting violently against him.
The fact that he doesnt remember who he is is sort of immaterial. He doesn't even know he's the King in Yellow when he decides to let them get captured in full understanding that doing so might cause the end of humanity. He'd rather see the world burn with him in it than tolerate Arthur having control when he doesn't.
Then the season finale happens. John is given an opportunity to 'correct' the mistake of his powerlessness, and chooses not to.
This is, specifically, because of his interactions with Lily. He states that she was unique because he had no use for her. Lily didn't have anything he thought he deserved, anything he wanted to possess, anything he thought he could take away from her.
John saw himself as a thing that is supposed to be obeyed, a temporarily inconvenienced entity of incredible power, and here he was at his most powerless receiving unconditional kindness.
It was in that neutral, non-competitive space that Lily was able to give. She gave him a name. She gave him care. She gave him a new perspective. Things he didn't ask for or understand, but could recognize were precious because they were given freely.
Season 2 - Envy borne of Shame
With this new perspective comes a complete upheaval of John's entire worldview, not helped by the sudden influx of memories that confirm that he has always been kind of an asshole.
John can either cling to his old view, the view of a god who deserves to do whatever he wants to whoever he wants because he can, or of a wounded ant who deserves kindness and respect simply because he needs it.
John decides he believes the latter, which means he needs to confront the parts of himself that he now finds intolerable. He wants to explore these feelings, these strange misshapen beliefs that dont come naturally to him, and constantly feel himself slipping back into what he was before.
Not helping this transition is the presence of a human who does have these qualities innately. Who is (seemingly) able to know right from wrong without question. Arthur throws it in John's face that he cant just forget what he was, and John doesn't like it but he does agree.
He wants another shot at being human. Whether that means he planned to take Arthur over again or was genuine in his goal to find a mutually beneficial solution, that's not really the point. At this point he has identified that there is some quality to Arthur that he doesnt have, and it needs to be addressed before John can soothe the ache of his own past.
I think thats why John gets so angry when Arthur tries to appeal to anything's better nature. He doesn't understand his own morals right now, and is envious that Arthur does. Why is it okay to beat an old human woman to death, but not an infant monster? Why does he want to befriend denizens of the dreamlands when he was hostile to them in his own world? Why do cute random animals have his immediate sympathy, when John had to bicker with him for days before admitting they were friends?
Arthur is human, and John isn't. He can chalk up every strange thing Arthur does to his humanity, something that John covets, and as season 2 rolls on that tension becomes thicker and thicker.
But then, the reveal. Arthur has done something monstrous in his past. He failed his daughter in the worst way. Failing to be a father is like failing to be a man, and failing to be a man is failing to be human. Arthur doesn't know what it means to be human either.
And like. What a delicious, soothing betrayal that is, right? Like its like a social media influencer being caught with their pants down. he's been baffled and insecure about the things he doesn't understand, only for arthur's humanity to be a sham. There is no special quality Arthur has that John doesnt. They're both monsters. What a relief.
But with that relief comes indignance, because now whenever John feels that envy, that self loathing about the thing he was, it's like Arthur is tricking him. He's being a hypocrite. Demanding basic decency is rich coming from the likes of him.
The Madness is an interesting episode that I revisit often because John's behavior in it is so... strange. On the first listen it comes out of nowhere. At this point in the story we dont know that John was bullshitting through season 1 and this random aggression seems to come out of nowhere.
But on the rewatch its pretty clear that John was constantly feeling inferior because of his lack of moral compass. He doesn't get really hostile until Arthur tries to defuse. Before he was insecure, afraid of being revealed, but once Arthur professes their friendship and offers to let the topic drop, John can't fucking handle it! Everything he knew was wrong, he had no idea what he was doing, and here is Arthur acting like he knows any better!
He's offended by the 'facade' of Arthur's empathy for him. The idea that Arthur would give him trust or friendship, imperfect as they both are, is infuriating because John knows he's never done the same. Hell he might be planning on betraying Arthur just thirteen seconds ago, and is now confronted with the realization that that is also kind of a dick move!
So he hides that wound. He drags Arthur down to his level, he mocks him for the very notion of trying to give each other grace. He insists, truthfully or not, that he doesn't actually give a shit and was planning to kill Arthur all along. They have a big stupid fight and then are stuck in a pit that John both literally created as the King in Yellow and figuratively created by turning against Arthur at the worst possible moment for no good reason.
As they're escaping, Arthur stops to give water to another prisoner. He claims that he is doing so to restore his own humanity, and John is similarly annoyed by the concept. But once its done, once they're both out and John is tentatively trying to appeal to him again, thats when John decides to share something about himself. He tells Arthur about lily. He gives for no other reason than that he has something to give.
Season 3 - Envy of people who are capable of making coherant lists
This is an arthur season so im skiping it whoop whoop she DOOP (feel free to write the yellow part of this essay in the tags yourself its a fun choose your own adventure)
Season 4 - Envy borne of Fear
I have a lot to say about season 4. I've had to rewrite this part like six times because I keep going off on tangents. season 4 is really really good and there are lots of things to say about it and how its legacy affected perception of the show moving forward. But I'm not doing that. We're not discussing anything else about season 4 but the envy thing. Here we go.
John is very afraid in season 4. He pretends that he feels trapped. He pretends that he's jealous. He pretends to care about doing the right thing. But its all bullshit. Its 100% bullshit, because the only thing that is actually true of John is that he is very afraid in season 4.
He has a lot of reasons to be afraid. Even if he succeeds in his end of the deal, even if they get to run away to england or whatever, Kayne can still drop on in throw the bone cathedral in his face. Everything can blow up at any minute, and the least of his concerns would be getting dragged back to the dark world.
This is not helped by the fact that he is also losing his mind. He cant remember properly, he's having trouble focusing, there are a lot of very important plates in the air, and he keeps forgetting why they're there.
A lot is said about John's 'jealousy' towards Oscar, and while we all have fun with the idea that he was just a clingy fleshmate, it is more true that Oscar was just in his way.
But I don't think you can completely throw out the envious reading of his behavior. Everything John has can go up in smoke at any moment. His bond with Arthur is one devastating revelation away from being shattered forever. John has everything to lose, and then has to watch as Arthur prepares a new buddy who can do everything John can and hasn't just come back from an indeterminate murder spree.
Again theres this thing of who Arthur deems worthy of his sympathy. To John Oscar is a roadblock to his mission, a mission that if failed will send him back to super hell. but he's also sort of his replacement. John is seeing for the first time that his utility to Arthur is easily outsourced. That there are potentially lots of people who want a piece of this thing he has with Arthur, and those people can do what John is struggling to do because of his lapses in memory.
At the end of the day, Oscar's violence was human. Arthur's mistakes were human. Noel's trauma is human.
But John's isn't. The things he did were far worse than anything Arthur or Oscar did, and the reason he's in pain isn't because he was tormented, but because he was the tormentor.
Arthur, Oscar, Noel, and Marie are all humans. John is not. And the repeated reminders of that farce keep making him angry. It makes him want to lash out, to throw his toys out the pram and just be a monster, to make the annoying men who wont shut up and might take Arthur away disappear.
The ending of season 4 to me isnt the last episode, but the first episode of season 5. That last fight out in the rain, where John finally acknowledges that he has no idea what he's doing, he's lost, he's hurt, and he has no more excuses for failing to be human.
He claimed that he felt stifled, and then Arthur introduced him to Noel. He claimed that he hated being treated like a passenger, then immediately balked at the idea of actually taking control. He claimed to only care about finding the greystone, and then they found it, and then he chose to do something monstrous anyway.
Seasons 5-6 - Freedom from Envy
I don't think its a coincidence that following Arthur's assertion, they never have a fight like that again. I think at the heart of all John's confusion and angst is this guilt that he's not living up to an ideal that Arthur, Noel, or Lily would expect from him. He decides that he isn't human, could never have been human, and that the answer all along was just to change his behavior.
He stops looking at other people, stops assuming that they have some insight into goodness he lacks. No one is complete. We all leave this world mid sentence before taking the last bite.
The way that John defends himself when the bone cathedral finally is revealed is interesting to me. You can kinda hear how he keeps sliding back into those insecurities. He tries to imply Arthur would do the same, but then stops himself. He tries to blame Arthur for hurting him, then stops himself.
But the thing he lingers on, the true thing, is that it wasn't really him. He was in a space where he was scared and angry, and a being more powerful than he was took advantage of him. He may not think he deserves forgiveness for that, but he is able to stand up and say 'its not me, im not going to be that.'
There's still guilt, theres still pain, theres still the vast amount of damage he caused. But he's not envious anymore. He doesn't covet humanity as this ideal he can never achieve.
and now its like 3 in the morning so im not gonna type anymore. no conclusion. blegh.
