i remember freshman year of college in bed sobbing to the echo of white iverson at someone else’s party because i felt so desperately that something was missing and that’s more close to how i felt last night
at some point the rumination and autobiographing needs to stop but it remains:
when i got to this city i was so depressed i couldn’t recognize anything about myself. the knicks weren’t the first thing to break me out of that but they made me feel tethered to this place, gave me some sort of structure and hope for what this place could be. sports as place as community. beautiful stuff.
and that isn’t what happened for any number of reasons. some things got really tough. money job etc. last time i tried to watch a knicks game at a bar i still felt outside of it all and awkward; i got touched in such a specific I Thought You Were Another Man way; the last time someone talked about the knicks with me they were just hitting on me, As A Woman In Public; another thing, always.
i grew up in a place where if i wandered a town out of where i could be expected i’d get stared at with hatred; went home to the same, for different reasons; all i wanted for so long was a place i could disappear into. and i found it and it’s great to be freer of, at least, irrational Everyone Wants Me Dead anxiety.
the loneliness is really starting to get to me, though. it’s just hard. i’m doing another Raised Outside My Race And Culture humiliation ritual tomorrow and i’m so tired of all the things that just don’t work, that i never had, that i can’t get back, how impossible it feels to touch something and have it hold me back. i’ve tried so hard. i want things to be different.
everywhere i go, i’m still just me.
i tell people and i mean it that the knicks are probably always going to special to me and to this phase of my life, and a lot of that is positive, it is progress. but jesus christ. i do not want to be alone in my room right now. i don’t want to go outside and be alone in a crowd, either i’ve had my fill of it. and it’s weird and shitty to have a Unhelpful Behaviors And I Don’t Want To Have Ever Been On This Planet relapse triggered by something i should objectively be excited about and enjoying
areudirty
dailybridgerton
baratheonpilled
pixelskylines
