neuroscientist & long distance runner

it has officially been six months (!!) since I defended my phd and started my post doc. this past friday would have been my official graduation/ hooding ceremony, except that after three years, i finally got covid and had to sit it out. still, i'm feeling nostalgic and keen to reflect on this year. after all - it was a big one! I accomplished a huge goal! and then the wheels just kept turning and life marched on and I stayed busy, busy, busy as usual. if nothing else, as long as i'm stuck home with covid, i'm going to take time to pause & reflect.

I defended in June, took a month off to recuperate and move, then started my post doc in July. I didn't have to go far, as I moved across the state to another big university and a lab i had some familiarity with beforehand. i have been learning patch clamp electrophysiology (!!) which i really didn't intend to do, but do actually vibe with. it's been a bit of a rollercoaster start. i interviewed with the lab when there were two senior post docs & a grad student, all of whom moved on within a month of me starting. i knew that folks would be finishing up and moving on, but i don't think anyone expected all of it to happen so close together. that's left me + a full time technician/ specialist in the lab, with two experienced undergraduate research assistants + an influx of new undergrads. we also had four (4!) rotation students from various phd programs this fall, which was a lot. for someone who had a goal of being in a lab with more senior post docs, so i wouldn't feel like i was the next-most senior person to the PI right away, i struck out. it's definitely not that, and i've been expected to step up into a leadership role more quickly than i intended. that's not an uncomfortable position for me, thankfully, but i was hoping to benefit from the presence of a strong peer leader, too. it's been tough to shake that disappointment, since it was one of my biggest priorities in a lab. I really wanted a strong community with like-minded peers, as a lot of graduate school felt really isolating and i often felt like i was working completely alone. some of that was a natural consequence of the pandemic, and some of it was program size, but it made having a peer network a priority for me.

thankfully, although the environment in my immediate lab isn't quite what i had hoped for, the broader department/ campus community is. there is regular post doc programming by the department, neuroscience community, and university, which i'm not taking for granted. i think there are about 15 post docs in the department, and 5 or so of us routinely show up for these things, so i've gotten to know peers and friends through these events. i have also probably networked with more visiting PIs in the last semester than I did in the last four years of graduate school. we're also actively recruiting to the lab, so hopefully my day-to-day space becomes more vibrant with new faces, soon. we have a new post-doc starting in the spring, and i think they have 1-2 years of a post doc already behind them, which will be nice. we have space for a rotation student (or two?!) to stay on, and had some strong candidates come through this fall. our full-time technician/ specialist is an absolute gem of a human being who has made a world of difference, and i'm so glad to have her working next to me, day-in and day-out.

there are also small good things, too, like the fact that there's food in our building. we're one of like five research buildings connected to the hospital, which means i can go to the hospital cafeteria & bagel shop, a little snack market and a campus coffee shop all without going outside. we also have lab space in another building / department area on main campus, so i can hang out there for a totally different experience. I haven't yet, but plan to do so in the new year.

downsides, however, include having no windows and working in a much older, outdated space than i had in grad school. I don't mind old, as there are certainly charms to older spaces, but this comes with added pressures like reduced ventilation and more allergen exposure in the animal facilities. the no windows is certainly less than ideal, and sometimes (ok, often) i accidentally work from like 8 am - 7 pm because i lose track of time (and also just... have too much going on already). i'd come in later to compensate for frequently staying late, but parking is a hot commodity so i typically am in by 8:45 at the latest, and I'm now at the point where leaving at 5:20 feels like i snuck out early.

i also dove too hard into too many things right away (four projects!) which was too much for me to handle in addition to like, maintaining a semblance of balance and also protecting space for myself to just be intellectual each day without being exhausted, especially as a learn a new field. I did some really cool science this past semester, but i now need to recalibrate and refocus so i can make sure my daily activities are serving my overall goals. this covid timing is a pain in the ass (i had triple booked my last two weeks before christmas to get three big things done, which are now just... waiting 🥲) but in a way it's been a good, forced reset.

i'm not pushing myself to rush back in (still testing positive despite feeling much better today anyway!) and am instead using the time to just get organized and excited about the new year. now that i've gotten my feet wet a bit, i can kind of see the shape of things to strategize a bit. it's felt a bit like i'm just keeping my head above water while being dragged behind a fast-moving boat, but i am stubbornly and optimistically adopting the perspective that i can, in fact, swim. so here's to swimming in the new year.

some goals, in no particular order:

find a dentist, catch-up on lapsed dental care (check & check, although i think this is where I got covid 😅)

find a primary care physician, catch-up on lapsed health care

find ob/gyn (if not pcp, get new birth control (iud?))

get in with hht specialists, confirm no concerning developments in the AVM department

(i gaslit, gatekept, and girlbossed myself out of admitting i was chronically ill in grad school and am now facing the consequences - oops! - of discontinuity in health care! I can't get in anywhere!)

get eyes checked (done!), buy new glasses (before year end, pending covid allowing me to go back to eye doc to officially order them)

thankfully i have Big Girl Insurance now which is actually VERY good and so I have felt far fewer barriers in trying to get care, but now i just literally can't get in anywhere. Dentist and optometrist were easy but i've struck out getting an appointment with a PCP or the hospital (for HHT specialist) since starting to call offices in... september???

schedule a wedding! get married! (we set our guest list and reached out to a possible venue yesterday)

start therapy again?? might be useful, who knows.

go to the dermatologist??? I still have freaking cystic acne (annoying) but i also want to check all my moles (concerning)

track down health information from latest visits in graduate school (all done through our campus clinics, since that was my insurance default at the time... and is now the reason why i don't really have a PCP of record, either).

and then... like, i need to come up with a concrete, clear plan for what i'm actually doing in lab (research/ grant proposals! ack!) and get moving on that.