𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

Excerpt from "Cyrano de Bergerac", the play by Edmond Rostand

THE VISCOUNT: No one? But wait! I'll treat him to. . .one of my quips!. . . See here!. . . (He goes up to Cyrano, who is watching him, and with a conceited air): Sir, your nose is. . .hmm. . .it is. . .very big!  CYRANO (gravely): Very!  THE VISCOUNT (laughing): Ha!  CYRANO (imperturbably): Is that all?. . .  THE VISCOUNT: What do you mean? 

CYRANO: Ah no! young blade! That was a trifle short!  You might have said at least a hundred things  By varying the tone. . .like this, suppose,. . .  Aggressive: 'Sir, if I had such a nose I'd amputate it!'  Friendly: 'When you sup It must annoy you, dipping in your cup;  You need a drinking-bowl of special shape!'  Descriptive: ''Tis a rock!. . .a peak!. . .a cape! -- A cape, forsooth! 'Tis a peninsular!'  Curious: 'How serves that oblong capsular?  For scissor-sheath? Or pot to hold your ink?'  Gracious: 'You love the little birds, I think?  I see you've managed with a fond research  To find their tiny claws a roomy perch!'  Truculent: 'When you smoke your pipe. . .suppose  That the tobacco-smoke spouts from your nose--  Do not the neighbors, as the fumes rise higher,  Cry terror-struck: "The chimney is afire"?'  Considerate: 'Take care,. . .your head bowed low  By such a weight. . .lest head o'er heels you go!'  Tender: 'Pray get a small umbrella made,  Lest its bright color in the sun should fade!'  Pedantic: 'That beast Aristophanes Names Hippocamelelephantoles  Must have possessed just such a solid lump  Of flesh and bone, beneath his forehead's bump!'  Cavalier: 'The last fashion, friend, that hook?  To hang your hat on? 'Tis a useful crook!'  Emphatic: 'No wind, O majestic nose,  Can give THEE cold!--save when the mistral blows!'  Dramatic: 'When it bleeds, what a Red Sea!'  Admiring: 'Sign for a perfumery!'  Lyric: 'Is this a conch?. . .a Triton you?'  Simple: 'When is the monument on view?'  Rustic: 'That thing a nose? Marry-come-up!  'Tis a dwarf pumpkin, or a prize turnip!'  Military: 'Point against cavalry!'  Practical: 'Put it in a lottery!  Assuredly 'twould be the biggest prize!'  Or. . .parodying Pyramus' sighs. . .  'Behold the nose that mars the harmony  Of its master's phiz! blushing its treachery!' --Such, my dear sir, is what you might have said,  Had you of wit or letters the least jot:  But, O most lamentable man!--of wit  You never had an atom, and of letters  You have three letters only!--they spell Ass!  And--had you had the necessary wit,  To serve me all the pleasantries I quote  Before this noble audience. . .e'en so,  You would not have been let to utter one--  Nay, not the half or quarter of such jest!  I take them from myself all in good part,  But not from any other man that breathes! 

DE GUICHE (trying to draw away the dismayed viscount):  Come away, Viscount!

THE VISCOUNT (choking with rage): Hear his arrogance!  A country lout who. . .who. . .has got no gloves!  Who goes out without sleeve-knots, ribbons, lace!