Lessons from my Hypergamous Mother 💕
I've talked about my mother several times on this blog but for those who are new, she's basically the O.G. Hypergamous woman. Despite not coming from money, being black and an immigrant, she's dated men worth millions, tens of millions, and close to billions of dollars. So with that, here are some of the lessons my mother has instilled upon me since I was born about dating and life.
Wear high quality clothes that fit well.
If there's one hill my mom will die on, it's that quality> quantity. To her, one wool Ralph Lauren blazer is worth 15 polyester blazers from Zara. And honestly, you can't really fight her on it because the majority of the time, clothes that are high quality just look better. Because of this, growing up 90% of my clothes came from high-end thrift stores and estate sales and truthfully, they still do.
My mother reminds me of this fact quite literally every time the male sex is mentioned in our household. She's had her pick of some of the most powerful men in the world simply because she doesn't care about any of them. Her psyche is this: there are millions of rich, smart, loving men out there, so why the hell would you stress out about finding one?
Education is key to success.
The same can't be said in all countries, but America is one of those nations where you can come in as an immigrant with nothing, and with the right education, become a member of the top 1%. Now the meaning of education isn't binary; you don't have to have a degree from Harvard or be a Rhodes Scholar. Being educated can simply mean you have a wide scope of knowledge on a variety of topics! To my mother, if you're highly educated, you can hold your own in any crowd.
Never give your entire heart away.
When my sister was a college freshman, she got her heart broken for the first time. While my mother was very quick to take her home and indulge her for a weekend, she was also very quick to tell her the crucial mistake she made. To quote her, "The problem isn't that you fell in love, the problem is that you gave him everything and when he left you had nothing. When you fall in love, always keep 10% of that love for yourself so that if things go south you won't be too devastated."
When you chase a man, he'll be inclined to run away.
So never, ever chase a man. Men are simple: if they want you they will do everything in their power to get you. There will never be any doubts. It's all very primal: nearly every species of male in the animal kingdom assume the role of "courting" their female counterparts. It's quite literally in their DNA. So there is never a need to go out and beg a man for his affections. In fact, doing so will almost always guarantee him running from you.
Praise is the most effective tool for getting whatever you want from a man. NEVER complain about a mans inability to do something because he will immediately shut down and resent you. Instead, praise him endlessly when he acts well. His ego will be stroked and in return, you will have him eating out of the palm of your hand.
You don't need to be quintessentially beautiful. You don't need to have a great body, you don't need to have a pretty face, you don't need any organically beautiful features. If you can put some quality time and effort into accentuating what you do have going for you and become the most refined and elegant woman in the room, you'll do very well. And elegance isn't just about being able to wear a string of pearls, it's about being confident and centered. It's about self mastery and not feeling the need to be anything but yourself.
Always keep your options open.
Ever heard the dating analogy "Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu"? Well it's something my mom lives by. Yes, she's all for monogamy but the fact of the matter is, you have to look out for yourself first. If your beloved suddenly decides to jump ship or things don't work out, it's always good to have a backup plan. And sometimes you'll find yourself dating someone you thought was great when all of a sudden someone even better stumbles into your life. Ultimately, this is your life and your decisions will have the biggest ripple effect on you. Look out for yourself, keep your options open. Nothing is guaranteed.
There's no shame in not feeling shame.
My mother is an extremely proud woman. Nothing has or ever will get her down about herself which all roots back to her decision to not ever feel shame about who she is. Whenever you feel inclined to feel shameful or insecure, reverse the narrative. If you're the only Black woman in a board room full of white men, instead of getting shy, revel in the fact that everyone will be that much more inclined to listen to you because you stand out. When you show up late to a date, instead of apologizing to your company thank them for waiting. Quite literally force yourself to be completely neutral in all situations and never internalize anything. Shame is really a false narrative we choose to espouse and it only holds us back from our desires. The solution is simple: stop feeling shame.
Above all, you are enough.
Regardless of whether you're still a work in progress or don't have your life together at all, you are the prize and you really have to start acting like it. It's not your job to alter your entire personality for a man. It's not your job to spend all day and night getting ready for dates. It's not your job to level up only for the sake of attracting a man. This kind of behavior will only emphasize this idea that you are not good enough as you are to attract the love that you deserve. You, by virtue of having your own set of life experiences, are completely worthy. The true differentiator between successful women and unsuccessful women is mindset. I know unattractive, uneducated, and unqualified women absolutely killing it in life and it's all because they are confident as fuck and truly believe that they deserve the best. So what's stopping you from cultivating that energy right now? I promise you that if you begin to walk, talk, sleep, eat, and breathe like you are the prize, the world will begin treating you the same way.
