But I wanted to know if someone else understands.

I want to cut myself deep in several consecutive lines between the span of 1-3 days just so when they heal they will be big scars that mean something.

When I tell people that are close to me in the future about it, I don’t want them to look at a leg with a bunch of medium and small scars with one big scar and then the rest invisible due to time.

I want them to stay dark and visible.

I want them to know I was in pain and I am in pain.

I can’t handle the thought of telling someone I hurt myself and then showing them just for them to tell me it wasn’t that bad and have them write off my problems.

If I can’t matter in any other way this is how I have to do it.

I need to matter.

I say I'm clean, but I 'unintentionaly' cut myself while shaving.

I say I'm clean, but I keep scratching my not completely healed cuts until they reopen.

I say I'm clean, but I make myself fall in the stairs.

I say I'm clean, but I keep playing with my fingers till they are sore/ till they bleed.

I say I'm clean, but I still pull the blade out to stop my mind from racing.