just existing

I feel bonita, I'm fasting for ramadan so I ate iftar with my family, threw it up, took some vitamins and supplements, made myself an apple vinegar shot and drank it as well as chia seed water.

This is also a reminder to take care of your body with supplements to make up for what you're not eating, almost all of the benefits but without the cals<3

(I'm 1week clean of sh hdhfjxnxkx)

I still burn, starve, scratch,bruise and hurt myself but no cuts

It pains me so much everyday I have to plant my nails into my palms to not take a fucking knife and slice my body with it.

I feel so shitty and miserable right now I want to rip all my organs out

Idk why but nobody ever talks about how intrusive thoughts can cause a big relapse. I had been clean for four months until I was walking with my friend, they were complaining again and again about things I dont give a shit about and it was driving me crazy I zoned out they noticed I wasnt paying attention so they got upset at me and left me. As I was heading back home I was angry at myself so when I saw a screw I couldnt stop myself and cut my ankle with it. Just ONE cut so it would look like an incident in front of my family. I had completely stopped cutting, bruising and burning myself for four whole months. I was so disappointed in myself, so that night before I knew it I was already searching for a blade cause i wasnt even clean anymore, was i? What would be the point of throwing 4 months of efforts out of the window if I didnt at least make the most out of it? I won't call a small cut a relapse. If I have to set the counter to zero again it should at least be worth it.

I say I'm clean, but I 'unintentionaly' cut myself while shaving.

I say I'm clean, but I keep scratching my not completely healed cuts until they reopen.

I say I'm clean, but I make myself fall in the stairs.

I say I'm clean, but I keep playing with my fingers till they are sore/ till they bleed.

I say I'm clean, but I still pull the blade out to stop my mind from racing.

On one side you have the really big amount of pills almost everywhere (that i can also mix to make myself dizzy and people will take care of me because i am such a hoe for being treated right)