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give me a quest

Since I started to experience post-exertional malaise (PEM) and became partially bedbound, these needs can no longer be met. I also suffer from allodynia, and am extremely sensitive to any visual/physical/sound stimulation. So I tend to not be around other people unless I have to.

(PEM is the worsening of symptoms following even minor physical or mental exertion)

I started to question my sexuality a lot more after becoming disabled. Pansexuality seems like a good fit. But I also feel like I've somehow been caged as involuntary asexual.

I simply cannot but my longing hasn't dwindled enough for it to not be frustrating. I want to explore my newfound sexuality

Going into new relationships, I feel the need to explain too many things beforehand in order to establish my limitations and thereby I feel like I become a burden (perhaps the least sexy feeling).

I need to fully trust the person, and I don't have the energy to see and get to know anyone. If I DO engage, the PEM is so extreme it puts me in a depressive state.

So; is it worth it?

It's a hard battle to weigh. I feel an urge for a normality that is no longer within reach. Yet I strive towards it.

The fear of being too limited in new experiences and the unavoidable aftermath is unbearable.

Yet I yearn for it.