How do you do? xx

I only have enough brainjuice to play Animal Crossing, so here are some designs I made for your islands and your homes.

You may be unicorn hunted. When people find out that you aren’t monogamous they may try to get you for threesomes. People will treat you like you are a sexual object that they and their partner can share and it can feel really degrading.

You can have relationship problems other people don’t understand. Trying to explain to a monogamous person how cheating works when you’re polyamorous or trying to explain why an argument with a metamour can be a big deal can be exhausting and often peoples advice for you is garbage.

You may be ostracized by your other communities. It can really hurt when a community you thought was supportive of you turns out to only be supportive of one part of your identity. When people you expect to be supportive and open minded, turn against you it can feel very lonely.

You may be discriminated against in medical situations. Condescending discussions about sexual safety, therapists attempting to convince you that polyamory is a symptom of an illness, and rude comments about the paternity of your children are all not unheard of for polyamorous people.

You may be discriminated against in in legal situations. Custody battles, adoption denials, next of kin issues, child support, guardianship, and visitation problems, and marriage equality are all issues that face polyamorous people.

You may experience microaggressions, abuse, and bullying from acquaintances, family, and “friends.” Nobody understands how love works until you love more than one person, at which point everyone is an expert and wants to let you know what they think. You can be in situations with people who are passive aggressive about your relationship to people who are violent and would like to harm you for being different.

When I hear a solo poly person say “I’m my own primary partner,” what I hear is, “I am not going to compromise on my me-time.” 

If that’s how you feel? Cool; that’s good for me to know, and we probably won’t be a good match. I date introverts and solo-inclined people regularly. It turns out that, in my experience, the healthiest relationships for me come from a willingness to compromise. (And yes, I know that not all solo people are unwilling to compromise.) As an extrovert, I may be compromising on how often I see you; in turn, I ask that my introverted/solo partners be willing to similarly stretch themselves, within reason, to be a little extra available.

Everyone in poly is always preaching “own your shit,” which, to me, means taking responsibility for your decisions and actions.

The thing about hierarchy is that providing an arbitrary — and therefore irrelevant — rationale for your decision(s) is doing exactly the opposite of taking responsibility.

Accountability is about using good judgement. And using good judgement requires thinking and careful consideration of relevant facts.

Saying “I’m choosing to prioritize myself / him / her / they over X because they are my primary” is as valid as saying “I’m doing X because the sky is blue.”

This is ABSolutely disempowering. Giving more weight to irrelevant, arbitrary facts, than to actually relevant information completely nullifies and invalidates the rest of the relevant information at hand.

“Because I’m primary to myself” is another way of saying “your needs are less relevant, worthy and valuable than mine.”

Likewise with a primary partner, “because they are my primary” is like saying “this person’s most arbitrary, irrelevant feature — yes I said arbitrary! — is more important than anything you need, feel or are.”

Now!

Substitute the REASON you might “describe” (not prescribe) someone as primary into the above sentence and then you’re saying what you really mean:

“I’m doing X because we have a child together and tonight my responsibilities as a co-parent trump your desire to see the new minions movie in 3D.”

That’s judgement. That’s accountability.

So is “I’m staying home tonight because I’ve had a really awful day and I barely have enough energy leftover to eat and get to bed.”

Fucking excellent! That’s an argument. It’s relevant and valid.

But using random, irrelevant facts to justify your actions is like saying “Amanda’s eyes are brown, so I have to cancel our anniversary plans tomorrow night.”

I don’t speak negatively about my wife to other people. Not because she’s perfect (which is an impossible and unfair standard) but because she deserves a husband she can trust. To say anything about my wife that I wouldn’t say to her face, would be a betrayal of that trust.

I DON’T SPEAK NEGATIVELY ABOUT MY WIFE TO OTHER PEOPLE. NOT BECAUSE SHE’S PERFECT (WHICH IS AN IMPOSSIBLE AND UNFAIR STANDARD) BUT BECAUSE SHE DESERVES A HUSBAND SHE CAN TRUST. TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY WIFE THAT I WOULDN’T SAY TO HER FACE, WOULD BE A BETRAYAL OF THAT TRUST. 

I NEVER WANT HER TO SPEND A SINGLE MOMENT WORRYING ABOUT THE WAY I TALK ABOUT HER WHEN SHE’S NOT AROUND. 

You do not have to be affectionate all the time to care for someone, in fact, caring can also mean a couple of texts or silence for a few days while you both live your lives happily and separately.

People do not care for you less when they’re busy with their own lives. It’s your reaction to them being their own person - and your ability to make yourself happy - that determines how they feel about you.

Not everyone reciprocates to your actions the same way. If you want someone to acknowledge, be interested in, or treat you a certain way for your efforts, all you have to do is let them know. They will try their personal best to accommodate that within their personal spectrum of feelings.