Life With BPD and NP

It's been so long since I've posted on here. Is anyone still here? I have so much to update. I really want to get back into posting.

I start HBT tomorrow to finally stop my skin picking. I'm nervous and sceptical all at the same time because I just don't understand how it's gonna work with a minimum of 4 sessions. How do you undo a habit in 4 hours??? Has anyone ever don't this particular therapy?

How do you know when you are better? I was able to function well (go to school & work, pay bills, eat, wash etc) while I was at my absolute worst. So if I've continued to do all of those things throughout and after therapy, how do I know if I'm better or just still as sick as I was before I started therapy. It's very confusing. 3 years later and I feel... the same.

I can relate to this on such a deep level. It perfectly sums up my feelings towards my therapist.

Today I don't feel like rushing anywhere. I feel like laying in bed for hours with a cup of coffee and something nice to eat. I feel like putting the TV on but not really watching it, while I doze in and out of sleep. Today I'm swapping rushing for resting. I'm taking a mental health day, where I will do some Distress Tolerance skills. I may draw or write poetry, all from my bed. I will not shame myself for doing this; as I'm starting to learn that it's okay to say no to people and it's okay to take sometime to do nothing.

Okay, so I recently started using this product when removing my make up. It says it's for dry and sensitive skin and that it's non greasy so I was hopeful that it would work with my skin. I've found that after two weeks I'm seriously breaking out, way more than usual. I'm not sure if it's because I'm using a new product and my body is reacting to that or if it's because I'm under a lot of stress right now but I don't know if I should stop using it or keep trying? I really don't want to make my derma worse. Anyone use this product and have the same problem?

Am I the only one who has the urge to pick at my skin as soon as I wake up? It's like my brain knows I haven't done it in a few hours, so it's the first thing I think about doing... It's very frustrating.

Then I'm going to go bed and exhale while I cry about this overwhelming emptiness I feel.

I don't know if I'm not coping because I've lost therapy or if I'm subconsciously making myself feel like I'm not coping, so I have a reason to contact my therapist. Maybe I'm fine, maybe I'm not. I don't even know anymore.

Then I broke down in my car and cried all the way home. I haven't felt anything since then. And now, nearly a week later, it all hit me again. I feel empty. I feel abandoned. I really saw this man like a dad, and now he’s just someone I used to know.

I have therapy tomorrow and my therapist is expecting me to have filled this in. But I cannot think of any goals or ambitions I can work towards now that therapy is ending....

He taught me a lot. DBT taught me a lot. I will miss it and I will miss him. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow but I know that all good things must end.

Firstly can you talk to your therapist about how you feel? Like can you call them in between sessions? Why do you need to pretend to be normal? I know how hard it is to try and be strong all the time, but you've made it this far so you are strong and that strength will never leave you. You can do this, take it one minute at a time. Message me off anon if you want to talk privately.

I care. Have you spoken to anyone professional about this? Like a therapist? Has something happened that is triggering you? How is your day going? Do you want to talk privately, off anon?