Mystical Moonb3ams

Anselm: Precisely. I’ve made a habit of always taking things as they come, or taking come, or people coming. Scrutinizing someone about their gender is a tremendous waste of time.

Cecil: I love to get high and cry. My stepdad said that’s not manly…

William: Hey, I can tell you from experience, the men who tell you what’s ‘manly’ are usually psychopaths. They’re empty monsters and they want to turn you into one too. Don’t let them. It’s a road that’s really hard to get off of.

Richard: Focus on being human, not just a man. That means taking care of yourself, and the people you love.

Cecil: Yeah… okay… so, like, I should leave the waitress a tip at the Mexican place because she’s really nice and let me back in the restaurant, even though I almost burned the place down with my homemade flame thrower?

Richard: … … … yes.

Cecil: I wasn’t leaving her a tip because we had sex once and I don’t think you’re supposed to tip someone you’ve slept with. That’s like, etiquette.

Steven: I don’t think that’s how it works, mate. Just, um, if she’s into it, do the gentlemanly thing, but not like, in a misogynist way. If she doesn’t want you to open doors for her, then let her open the door for you.

Cecil: Huh?But she already works at the restaurant. She’s already inside. Open what door? I’m confused.

Nathan: You’re hopeless.

Leto: Start with the basics, Cecil. Pay attention when she talks, be honest about your emotions, and never cheat on her.

Cecil: I’m not that good at any of those.

Leto: I think there’s hope for you Cecil.

Cecil: *sounding truly touched* Thank you. That’s really cool coming from you. You’re my hair idol, and like, a man I want to be like.

Nathan: Anyone who kisses Leto’s ass is booted. Did I not say that before we started the record?

Cecil: See? That sounds manly, Nathan. You say something and shit gets done. I want that kind of authority.

Nathan: What you don’t have in authority, you make up for by bringing really really good weed.

Anselm: Everyone’s strengths are different, Cecil. You’re an adorable drug dealer, and handy with a gun.

Steven: A gun?

Anselm: Cecil here isn’t as timid as he seems, trust me. Made an absolute massacre of revenge at a sad little wedding in the town where we live.

Steven: I dunno if that’s manly, but it is fairly terrifying.

Nathan: Steven, here’s another listener question. What’s your most memorable sexual experience?

Steven: Come on, Nathan. I can’t go telling everyone that. She might be listening. I don’t wanna be rude.

Jake: I’ll tell it. Steven had sex at the Bronx Zoo.

Steven: Jake, you absolute wanker.

Marc: Yeah, that’s not even the most interesting part. They started making out in the reptile house and he had his hand down her pants in all the dark rooms.

Steven: If we’re spilling secrets, I’m telling everyone that you summoned my batons so some woman could fuck you with ‘em.

Marc: Jake lost a costume mustache in some guy’s ass once.

Nathan: In?

Cecil: I had sex in a Bucee Beaver costume. Actually, we were both wearing them.

Poe: Who’s Bucee Beaver?

William: His name’s not actually Bucee, but he is a beaver. It’s the mascot of a truck stop. Really famous in America.

Poe: I didn’t understand most of those words. Like, almost none of them. My most memorable experience was sleeping with a being that had two consciousness. Consciousnesses? They were in two places at once.

Anselm: Like, your mouth and your ass?

Poe: No, one body was having sex with me and the other was downstairs cooking lunch. Then, the body I was with got tired, so they swapped, but it was still the same person.

Steven: You weren’t tired too?

Poe: Yeah, but it wasn’t like I was going to stop. I had a whole other body to satisfy.

Marc: My ex and I did it inside a pyramid once.

Steven: Excuse me? Why didn’t you share that little story before?

Marc: You wouldn’t approve, trust me. Plus, you only wanted to hear about the wedding night.

Steven: *dreamy voice* I love those stories. The only time I’ve ever known you to be romantic.

Nathan: That’s a great segue actually. On the topic of romance, an anonymous caller wants to know: what’s your perfect way to meet someone? What’s your approach?

As far as how I approach a woman, I’m famous and a billionaire.

But, I also live alone in the middle of nowhere. The only people I fly out here work for me. I don’t have a problem mixing work and sex, but some people make it complicated. I think it’s convenient.

For the right woman, though, I’d stop building vaginas into the female models.

Basil? What about you? Living in the city, young, you must meet interesting people.

Basil: I don't get out much. I don't really talk to except for Basil. Not me, Basil. The stuffed monkey, Basil.

Nathan: I hope that's not your opening line.

Basil: I never leave my apartment actually. Not since this happened to my face.

Santiago: Women love scars, man. You've got that mysterious thing going on.

Basil: You think?

Santiago: You'd be surprised. If you let yourself get out there, you'd definitely do very well.

Basil: Sometimes I talk to women online, but I don't know if I can meet someone on the outside without a paper bag over my head.

Santiago: Okay, definitely don't do that.

Basil: How do you meet someone special?

Santiago: It’s kind of old fashioned, but I like to go out and meet people. A bar or a party. I like that thrill of seeing someone from across a room. Making eye contact. Having a conversation where you have to lean in close because the music’s loud.

Jonathan: It’s so tiring to go out all the time, though. I’ve tried all the apps. It’s a mess out there.

Santiago: I don’t even bother with those.

Jonathan: You probably don’t have to. I’m sure it’s easy for you to pick up anyone you want. The apps are almost entirely younger women who want to call you daddy, or women with as much baggage as I have.

Santiago: You’re not interested in either of those things?

Jonathan: I’m very turned on by both. Therein lies the problem.

Anselm: I see no problem. If you want sex, there it is. If you want a relationship, then have one.

Jonathan: *uncomfortable* It’s not that simple.

Anselm: Why not?

Jonathan: … … uh… …

Anselm: I have absolutely no patience for people getting in their own way. Problems should be ended through decision or gunfire. It does no good to ignore them.

Nathan: I don’t know about that. You can learn a lot about someone by picking apart their issues and insecurities.

Anselm: Yes, mind games are fun, but you don’t want to play them with your one and only love.

Nathan: Agree to disagree. I want a partner who can challenge me.

Santiago: You are the challenge. Nothing’s simple with you, don’t worry. All I’m saying is that meeting people in person is way better than online.

Jonathan: I guess I could try it Anselm’s way. If I have a one night stand with a woman I could try to make it more than one night. Dinner or something.

Anselm: Something? Please use a more enticing word.

Jonathan: I’m not like you, Anselm. I don’t have a whole house dedicated to sex. My imagination’s not that good.

Anselm: Well, if you need advice, just text one of us. We’re all happy to help.

Nathan: Have more confidence, man. Plenty of women are into that absent minded professor thing. It’s right up there with men in uniform.

Jonathan: I just wish I could start over, you know?

Nathan: Like, be a virgin again? You couldn’t pay me enough money to do that. Actually, we have a listener question about how we would feel, being someone’s first time.

Jonathan: My first time was… not sexy. I didn’t know what I was doing at all. I hadn’t even really seen porn. She had to basically tell me what to do every step of the way, so I thought that’s what sex was for like, ten years.

Anselm: My first time was in an alpine meadow. The cows kept coming over to see what the fuss was about. Curious creatures. I think it gave me a fetish about milk for awhile.

Victor: I have that too.

Anselm: As for being someone’s first. I would be honored. There would be fanfare, perhaps a band and a party afterward.

Nathan: I don’t like to admit fear, but I think taking someone’s virginity is more terrifying than the singularity.

Santiago: I’ve been someone’s first. It’s really amazing, actually. I was nervous, don’t get me wrong, but I went slow and it was a really great weekend. I still meet up with her sometimes, if I’m going through that part of the world.

Marc: I was with a woman who didn’t tell me she was a virgin until we were in bed, getting undressed. It turned out okay, but I wish she’d told me before. I would’ve done something special.

Santiago: Like what?

Marc: I don’t know. Made dinner at home, lit some candles. Put a big, soft blanket on the bed. Maybe made sure the bathtub was ready for afterward. I tried to make up for it by eating her out before and after.

Santiago: I’m pretty sure she’s happier with the oral sex than a candle. What about you?

Blue: If it’s a girl’s first time, I try to make it good. It’s a thrill, I won’t lie. I give her something nice afterward. A new dress, or her own number at the club.

Poe: If you had to pick someone at this table to be your first, who would it be?

Blue: Laurent maybe? I like that dirty Frenchman thing he has going on.

Poe: Anselm?

Anselm: I would choose you, Poe, obviously.

Nathan: Why obviously?

Anselm: Jealousy does not become you, Nathan. Look at Poe. Dashing, gallant, and sexually, I can tell that he lives to serve.

Poe: … is that a compliment?

Steven: I’d pick you, Anselm. I like the adventure of it.

Nathan: *snort laughs* He’ll give you an adventure all right. He’ll adventure you right into dressing up in an insane outfit and letting him demolish you in some weird role play. Ask me how I know.

Steven: *genuinely asking* How do you know?

Nathan: That was sarcasm, dude. I know because I’ve been there.

Anselm: And a riot of a time it was. I’ve never enjoyed a traditional Midsommar celebration more!

Nathan: Look, we’re almost out of time and- hey- Atreides, quit checking your watch. I told you this would be a solid 60 minutes.

Leto: *sighing* It was a text, okay? It’s a… listener question.

Nathan: This isn’t live, so the only way you’re getting a question this second is if one of these chucklefucks is texting you right now, behind my back.

Leto: Yeah. Huh. I always forget you’re smarter than you look.

Nathan: Go hump a barbed wire fence.

Leto: Do you want to hear the question or not?

Nathan: Go ahead.

Leto: Death. The question is about death. This anonymous person posits that some of us receive an untimely death in our universes.

*awkward silence, throat clearing*

Leto: Nathan?

Nathan: I don’t know, dude. We all have complicated lives to begin with so why would our deaths be any easier?

Leto: But you know more than you’re saying.

Nathan: *angry* What do you want, Leto? You want me to say there’s some alternate dimension where you have a family that loves you and when you get murdered, they wage some kind of war across the universe?

Leto: No, that would be ridiculous.

Nathan: *raises his voice* Do you want to hear that a fucking meteorite crashes into Earth and kills Anselm?

Leto: Nathan, calm down.

Nathan: That Marc, Steven, and Jake never get an ending at all?

Leto: Nath-

Nathan: *sounding a little insane* Why can’t we just live in the here and now? Huh? Who the fuck asked about death? WHO?

*silence*

Leto: *quietly* What happens to you, Nathan?

Steven: Mate, ‘s alright. We’re all of us alive and well here. You can tell us.

Nathan: *quietly* None of you gets it. I don’t think most of us have death in common. Actually, we have something a lot worse that runs through every one of our lives. We all go straight into situations where we know we could die, where we probably will. That’s the thread that binds us. Not curly hair or this nose or our eyes. We’re all so fucked up.

Richard: I don’t do that. Really. I don’t put myself in danger.

Nathan: You work with death-row inmates.

Richard: Yeah, maybe you make a good point.

Basil: I didn't ask to get struck by lightning, but Nathan's right. I really lost it afterward.

Victor: If I may interject, I know a fair bit about death and life. It’s my entire existence actually. Fear of death is natural. I have found, however, that one is only truly afraid of death is one feels they haven’t done enough living.

Perhaps, like me, you feel you’ve contributed to humanity, but you, yourself, have nothing to actually show for it. With egos as big as ours, that’s a difficult conclusion to reach.

Nathan: I wasn’t trying to create life through artificial intelligence for humanity, Victor. It was just *sigh* … it felt-

Victor: Inevitable.

Nathan: Yeah.

Victor: The burden of intellect.

Cecil: Yeah.

Nathan: You feel the burden of intellect?

Cecil: … … … What are we talking about?

Marc: Hey, it’s not the burden of intellect or whatever. It’s that we’re all kind of control freaks who have zero control over our own lives.

Steven: He’s right. Feels to me I’m just a character in a story sometimes, being pulled this way and that. This job. That job. Living here. Living there. Trousers on. Trousers off.

William: You’re all correct, I think, but that doesn’t mean we stop trying.

Steven: Trying what?

William: To do what we can, however insignificant it feels to us.

Poe: Nothing, and no one, is insignificant. I believe that with my whole heart.

Jonathan: Nathan, the kind of questions you’re having, they’re a lot like the ones I debate in my work. They’re important, yes, but remember, you still have to eat meals. Go to the bathroom. Sleep. Life goes on. Time keeps moving.

Nathan: I get your point, but it doesn’t. Not when you’re all here. We’re kind of out of time and space.

Leto: So, when you told me this would only be an hour?

Nathan: It’s actually infinity. Or it’s nothing. There’s kind of no difference around this table. Besides, talking to you feels like torture for eternity, so what do you care?

Leto: *mumbles* I hate you in every universe.

Anselm: So, in a way, Nathan, you’re saving all of us, simply by having us as guests on your little pod-cast.

Nathan: It’s just one word. Podcast.

Anselm: Pod-cast

Nathan: Podcast

Anselm: Pahd-cahst

Nathan: Just say it quickly. Podcast.

Anselm: Oh what the devil do I care what it’s called? I simply enjoy being here. I’m grateful to have met all of you.

Leto: I have to admit, it’s very interesting.

Victor: Yes, I don’t feel quite so alone anymore.

Basil: Me either.

Anselm: Coincidentally, what does happen to you?

Nathan: I get stabbed at my house by an ai woman I made myself.

Anselm: *sound of gun cocking* That is unacceptable! Where is she?

Nathan: Put that away. You can’t fix it like that.

Anselm: I think you’ll find that I can.

Santiago: Here, let me.

*sound of gun being yanked away, magazine and bullet ejecting*

Santiago: Here’s question: if you could fix anything in your universe, what would it be? I’d have figured out a way to go back and get the millions of dollars I left in the Andes mountains.

Marc: I would’ve introduced myself to Steven and Jake a long time ago.

Steve: Cheers, Marc I would’ve done the same.

Leto: I would’ve spent more time with my father.

William: I never would’ve joined the fucking Army.

Richard: I would’ve asked that girl out in high school, the one I had a crush on for years.

Jonathan: I can’t even pick. Too much to choose from.

Victor: My friend, we’re drinking from the same teapot of shame.

Laurent: I should’ve finished art school.

Cecil: I wish I hadn’t told everybody that the Taco Bell near my house gave me explosive diarrhea because then people stopped going there and it closed. God. I really miss that Taco Bell.

Santiago: Why did you lie about something like that?

Cecil: It wasn’t a lie. I just wish I hadn’t said anything out loud. Then, I’d still be able to get a chalupa supreme in under five minutes.

Anselm: Well, I live my live with zero regrets. Geschehen ist geschehen. What’s happened is happened. Or, as I like to say, onto the next hole.

Nathan: That’s gross. I get what you’re saying, though. Time ever only moves in one direction. Although, technically, I could use the machine to go back in time, but-

Leto: What?

Nathan: I mean, I could probably-

Leto: Hey, could you bring me back to a very specific night about two years ago?

Nathan: Why?

Leto: There was this woman-

Nathan: I’m not interfering with the space time continuum just so you can get laid.

Jake: What about me? I got a look at Jonathan’s ex wife and I’d like to take her for a ride in my cab, so to speak.

Nathan: This isn’t a crossover event.

Poe: Can I use it to make a teeny-tiny little adjustment and never join a bunch of drug runners? I’d like to retcon that whole thing.

Nathan: There’s no way you were in a drug gang. That’s obviously a lie. You’re a goody two shoes.

Poe: *under his breath* I had a bad boy phase.

Nathan: Sure you did, Poe, and I’m a big, blue, omniscient alien who can control matter with my mind. Whatever.

I think we’ve stretched the limit of all of us being in one room. I have to start putting you back in your universes or shit might start to break permanently.

Doing this is the most fun I have, so, you know, thank you for sending in your questions.

I think I should get us all chalupas to celebrate.

Poe: What’s a chalupa?

Cecil: You’re gonna love it!

Anselm: I’m going to call you my little chalupa from now on.

Nathan: Until next time, I’m Nathan Bateman. Thank you for listening, thank you for subscribing, and please, if Anselm Vogelweide ever asks you to put on a white dress and a flower crown, and to treat his dick like a may pole, please keep in mind that the tea he gives you afterward is definitely hallucinogenic.

**Outro Music Fades Up**

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