Mac?

It’s missing junkvan season

I think about them forever and always

Downtimes are so chaotic

Madeleine's fear of Camarilla retribution comes from a very rational place - she's seen some really horrific shit! And at some point in her past, she decided fuck it, if the price of safety was slotting into the horrible system that was threatening her in the first place, she would do that, and she would do it superbly.

I've been thinking of how LaVonte looks at HJ and how that look has changed the more HJ feels like himself. "stop shimmying" "don't make eye contact with me". HJ's body language towards LaVonte taunts and invites him to join him in releasing the inhibitions, to feel and move with that feeling, to be free in their mind and bodies. But I think LaVonte can't quite or doesn't quite want to get there, because that freedom is scary.

One of the facets of socioeconomic oppression is the policing of embodiment and feeling. There are consequences to that freedom.

Growing up as a Black child and being a Black man, being a Black vampire in and despite the institution of the Camarilla, LaVonte has likely experienced or witnessed the consequences of that freedom. The consequences of not following the rules. The consequences of not having your shit in a way amicable to the white supremacist, colonial, and capitalist cisheteropatriachy. Those cops listened to him because he was a Black business owner in 2025; unlikely they would have in 1960, 1970, or 1980. His life has literally been threatened multiple times by white Camarilla elders.

I started feeling that freedom recently and it truly is free. But it can also be scary. To look at how you have been conditioned, pressured, and forced to be as a Black person and choose to not comply, to resist, and be in your body, mind, and spirit, is a hard thing.

The easier thing is to aspire to acquire the power that has been wielded against you. And the way to do that is being orderly as order has been defined by those powers. To be a Black capitalist. So LaVonte did that, does that. He sucks while being sucked as it feels him in ways that obscure the emptiness he doesn't want to feel. As he said looking at his stark white room, it makes him feel whole.