just nothing

nope

boys are stupid. thanks for the reminder, universe.

felt super good for weeks and then a day like today comes. there is nothing special about today, my hormones just thought it would be fun to make me feel like crying all day.

Hormones are fucking my mental health.

Fucking hell, my life is fucked up rn. But at least I know my punctuation.

I read so much stuff in the last few days that I’ve written and it’s so full of pain. It’s crazy good too. So weird.

I saw him last Friday, totally threw me off. We even talked and I was being very adult about it. But it completely threw me off the tracks. I saw him again today, same place, again in the evening. I somehow had looked for him. It was inevitable. It’s his birthday today. I wonder. No. I don’t. Stop.

i miss a lot. i miss my best friend. i miss having a boyfriend. i miss having sex with someone i love or deeply admire and like. i miss kissing the same person over and over and it not getting boring. i miss the passionate kisses, i miss the thrusting. i miss the strong arms. i miss it all. i miss having someone i have deep feelings for. i miss allowing myself to feel it. i miss the innonce i had a year ago. i miss loving someone and being loved in return, wholeheartedly and with every cell of my body. i miss being looked at with desire by someone i desire just as much. i miss a lot of it.

So there’s this guy at my gym that I have the biggest crush on. I wanted to talk to him today to ask him out, so after a day of cleaning and doing everything i didn’t want to do, but did out of procrastination, I finally overcame my fear and went to the gym, only to find out he didn’t work today. Well, at least I had a half decent workout.

I am okay. I think I can actually do this whole adult thing. I’m paying bills, working to pay said bills, going to my lectures (mostly) on time, making new friends, going to the gym. Now, somehow I just have to get my mental (and physical) health in order and give my love life a kickstart, then i’ll be all set up.