always! :')))

what shall we talk about? how shane came out canonically as hole? how once he admits it, he leaps into it, no holds barred? how his image is built around his naked body the value of it to perform in front of cameras? how he is owned by hockey, by the crowd, by the flame in montreal, by the first hands to ever give him a taste of just how deep his desire runs and everything in his life builds around that complexity, that stress point that gives him everything he's ever dreamed of and locks him so firmly into performance?

how 'hole' is probably how he describes himself to ilya when he's deep down in subspace and it's not a performance at all? it's just a truth. just how he Wants. how he Needs. ilya cajoling, teasing, pinching, "so hard today. what are you? impatient? quick shot holly?" and shane just flatout bodies them both by saying 'i'm a hole, i'm your hole, please.' and what is ilya meant to do but fill him? again and again. and ilya's hand digs into shane's jaw and pries him open there and he orders shane, 'say it again,' and where do they go from there when shane does and admits that it's the only way he feels whole and complete and uncomplicated, with ilya inside him. what about if shane is flushed and shaking all over in the afterglow and ilya's hands press heavy on shane's head, his neck, his bruise spattered spine, as ilya whispers, 'i always want to be inside you. want to keep you on me. just pull you out and on like my favorite silk shirt. my hole. yeah.' and they clutch at each other noodle-limbed and aching for it, smearing lust between their heaving bodies while their flesh tries to catch up to their desire?

what about how that unlocks something in shane's stomach? and if they get carried away with it, playing with this revealed scope and slide into free use where shane gets to feel the reality of being ilya's in a whole new way and ilya gets to enact that ownership, that sublime, assured possession and never doubting that shane wants him, likes him best, is just for him?

or even how shane exercises his body as a tool in a whole new way because it means ilya can use him like a thing however and whenever he wants and just leave shane laying there either to use again? and how maybe shane is supposed to clean himself up, streamline the process for ilya: better than a pussypocket, shane, in ilya's pocket, self cleaning, begs just how ilya likes it, takes it just how ilya taught him to, a desire and a receptacle for ilya's desire that ilya molded out of clay and fire, no need to think, just need to be good, to be ilya's and follow the rules and be the best hole waiting for the best peg to slot in?

Pillion’s Ray is a LOSER. he says he is discreet but that makes no sense because all of his friends are gay leather daddy bikers and all he does is gay leather daddy biker kink shit. His apartment is barren and empty and has no indication of any rich inner life, it’s like an airbnb. He has a tiny piano facing a wall and some books and that’s it. There’s no art anywhere in his apartment, nothing that would expose him as anything other than an Intellectual.

But he has ELLEN WENDY ROSIE tatted on his chest. his top 3 favorite female talk show hosts. He is a FAGGOT! And it is inscribed on his body but no one is allowed to ask about it. “No.”

The thing is, Colin is obviously the loser here, right. From the first frame that’s how he is portrayed. Colin is abject, he’s a freak, he’s pathetic and desperately lonely, he lives at home. But Colin is surrounded by family who love him and we see these brief scenes of his coworkers liking him. He has this vibrant home life and parents who support him unconditionally. And what is he actually doing in these opening scenes that are so cringeworthy? He’s doing his hobby that he’s very talented at and that he loves to do. And it’s framed completely different when we see him doing it once more at the end. Who cares how other people see it? Colin doesn’t care if people think he looks stupid in his barbershop quartet. He doesn’t care if anyone actually puts change in his bucket. He’s doing it because he knows enough about himself to know what he loves.

What the fuck does Ray know about himself? When does he experience joy? Biking is his hobby but I don’t know if he even likes it. Colin is the one we see experiencing a transcendental moment of joy when he steals Ray’s bike and rides it for himself!

Throughout the film, various characters comment on how hot Ray is and how crazy it is that he’s with a guy like Colin. Because Ray is portrayed by Alexander Skargard and Colin is portrayed by Dudley Dursley, and because of the way Colin is framed for most of the film, obviously we understand this sentiment. But in the end we realize that Ray has fucking nothing going for him. That is why he can only handle a relationship if he controls every aspect of it, all the time.

Giving a partner the reins means vulnerability. Vulnerability means exposing the fundamental emptiness of his life. The threat of that exposure is so terrifying to him that he flees the fucking country rather than face it.

Colin’s mother asks, several times, what “discreet” actually means. (She never gets her answer, of course.) I think this is key to a central theme of this film. What does discreet actually mean? In the gay community we understand this to mean on the DL, in the closet, maybe having a wife and kids, a separate life. But when Ray says he’s discreet, he means something different.