Shin's Blog:

You’re sitting at a cafe with your friend when suddenly a woman walks in with a toy poodle in her purse. The manager at the counter informs her “I’m sorry, but we do not allow dogs”. She replies with a heavy sigh and a “She’s a service dog. She can come with me”. Not knowing much about service dog law, and worrying about getting sued for asking further questions, he sits this woman down at a booth. There, she promptly unzips her purse and places the dog on the booth seat next to her. When the woman’s food comes out, the little dog begs and she feeds her bits off her plate. This dog is not public access trained, and proceeds to bark at those who walk by. This dog is a nuisance and causes many in the restaurant to complain. The manager cannot do anything but inform the unhappy customers that this is a service dog, so he can’t ask her to leave. In the end, it’s the customers who end up leaving.

Now I walk in with my highly trained service dog pressed against my leg in a perfect heel position, and I’m quickly bombarded by the manager telling me “No dogs! No dogs! We ALL know what happened last time”. Confused, I tell him “This is my medical alert and medical response service dog. Her right to accompany me is protected under federal law.” With a sigh, he seats me at a table far away from others where my dog promptly tucks under my feet, out of sight. When my food arrives my dog is still tucked tightly under the table because she knows she’s not supposed to eat when she’s on duty. She stays there ignoring those who walk past for the remainder of my meal. When we leave, a woman by the door exclaims “Woah, I didn’t know there was a dog here!”

See the difference?

Scenario number two occurs at a local grocery store when a man decides to bring his certified emotional support animal into the store with him. Upon entering he flashes a fancy ID card and certification papers. This dog is not as unruly as the first, but he still forges ahead of his handler, sniffs the food on display, and may seek attention from those who walk past. You find this dog adorable, and when he and his owner walk past you ask to pet him. The owner says yes and explains how all he had to do was go online, register his dog, and a few weeks later they sent him a vest, ID card, and certification papers.

Now I pull into the same grocery store. I’m in a rush to get an ingredient for a dish I’m making so I hurry into the store with my service dog next to me. I’m quickly stopped by a manager who demands to see my service dog’s certification card. Remember, this is NOT required by law, and most real service dog teams don’t have them. After 15 minutes of trying to educate, pulling up the ADA website on my phone, back and forth bickering, and drawing more of a crowd than I want to describe… I’m finally allowed in. I grab my ingredient, stand in line (where my service dog obediently moves between my legs to make space for those around me), and I get bombarded by people asking to pet my dog. I explain that she’s working, she has a very important job to do, and she’s not allowed to be pet while on duty. People walk away grumbling and complaining about how rude I was when other handlers like the man they met earlier allow their dog to be pet.

One of my best friends died sudden in a car accident yesterday. That’s the background to this question. I can’t sleep because every time I close my eyes I think of all the plans we made. I’ve been in hysterics on and off for close to 12 hours now.

First off, have you eaten recently?  If not do so. Anything.  Toast, maybe a meal if you can stomach it.  Drink something.  It’s easy to forget to do these things or just not want to.

Can’t sleep, wound up?  Do something. Cleaning helps me.  Gives my hands something to do, and helps dissipate some of that energy.  Maybe go for a run.  Or scream, if you can.  If it won’t cause any problems screaming can release a lot of built up tension.

Crying is fine.  Let yourself cry.  You may think “What will people think?” or “I’m such a baby!” or… it doesn’t matter. Realize you are thinking that way and stop it.  You might have to do this a lot.  Big thing here, don’t judge yourself for how you feel, or what you’re thinking.  Even the thoughts above.  You are going to feel a lot, and it’s going to be weird. So angry you just want to scream and everything also is just so funny because how can all this be real?  Yeah that happens.  It’s fine.  You are not weird or bad or anything else negative for feeling it.  It’s gunna happen, let it happen.  It needs to happen.

Avoid sad music, movies, videogames, and pretty much everything else.  There is enough of that going on.  Listen to some upbeat stuff.  It’s ok to laugh, and it’s ok to have some good moments.  You are not terrible for having a little bit of fun.

I will say that again. You are not terrible for having fun or having a moment where you think things are ok.  You might find something and laugh, then you might be all “So and so just died I shouldn’t be laughing!”  Again stop that.  Don’t judge yourself, big here.  Not for thinking that, not for laughing or having that moment.

The big thing is to understand that things will be ok.  This will hurt, probably for a long time.  There is no way around that, but you will survive this.  This too shall pass.  Let yourself grieve, then let yourself move on.

One of my best friends died sudden in a car accident yesterday. That’s the background to this question. I can’t sleep because every time I close my eyes I think of all the plans we made. I’ve been in hysterics on and off for close to 12 hours now.

That said, try if you can to take a break and have some tea, or crackers, or just something in your belly. preferably something comforting, like your favorite comfort food or a nice hot soothing drink. even if you don’t want to, just a little nibble or sip. that way, your body doesn’t go into survival mode because it gets confused by all the emotions going on.

whatever you belief (I believe you’ve said before that you are Catholic?) pray. Talk to your God and seek comfort that your friend is now safe and without suffering. Take comfort in the fact that it was sudden. (I know that’s hard to do, but sometimes it does help to remind ourselves that those we love may be gone, but the manner is/was such that they did not/do not suffer through it.)

And know that no matter what others say, there is no time limit on grief. For some it’s only a few months. For others it takes years to work through it. And some never manage to cope fully with it. However this works out for you, don’t let other people tell you when it’s time to stop grieving. Only you will know when or if that moment has or will come.

I don’t know if you write, or sing, or draw, or whatever your personal creative outlet is, but this is also a good way to work through your emotions. One of my college professors used to call it “Emotional Vomit” because often after finishing whatever project it was, the artist often felt just a little bit better, having thrown all of their emotions and feelings into the project and/or piece.

Also, at least in the early stages of grief, a grief support group might be helpful. If there’s no local ones, I know it’s easy enough to find on on Facebook, or online forums. Your local churches, be they Catholic or protestant, may have groups as well. You can also ask to speak with your local priest for any spiritual guidance and comfort you need to help you cope and deal with this.

And lastly, please do try your best to take care of yourself while you work through this dark time. It is so easy to lose oneself to depression in times like these, and to find yourself trapped by grief and guilt over “what might have been” and “what can’t be”. The important thing is that you are still here on planet Earth, and so long as you are here you need to care for yourself in order to carry your loved one’s memory and share it with others. Be it funny tales to help lighten someone’s mood, or times you and your friend may have gotten in trouble together as a warning to someone else not to go through with whatever foolish thing. So long as you take care of yourself, you carry your friend with you in your heart and in your thoughts, and they are still with you always.

It doesn’t cause any discomfort but it can be really embarrassing. Once I have a lapse of brain fog, it’ll follow me round all day and make my mind either;

1) Go completely blank mid sentence 

2) Use a ridiculously random word in place of another.