Stream of Consciousness

Feeling as though Loving myself was selfish - But someone else loving me, That was what being complete felt like. Always putting my worth And entire being in someone else To complete me.

In another universe, we are still together. And I am thousands of miles away from my family and friends. But I have the well-paying job you always wanted for me. And I got my fitness in check. Fitting into sample-size designer clothes. And we bought each other nice things for important holidays Showing our love, one Chanel at a time.

We are settled in the Lonestar state And I learn about new things  Just so we have intelligent conversations. I’d watch all the Kevin Hart movies So I could fix my sense of humor to match yours And make you laugh at me. Because your laugh is my favorite sound.

I encourage you By belittling you Just the way you like it. Pushing you to be better Because I knew being a bitch Is what you wanted.

In another universe, we are still together, And I am no longer the woman I thought I was. I am a mold of the woman you need me to be And your happiness - our life Is all a reflection of the things you dreamed of. (I live up to the 'dream girl' title) I fade into the background And live the life you want Simply because I think your love is worth More than the love and respect I have for myself.

“Do you think he’s the one.”

I wish I could go back to May - When we were so happy and in love. Then I could go back and be the person you wanted - The one who made you proud Who inspired you Who made you know your future just by looking at me.

I wish I could go back to May - When we were so happy and in love, And become a better version of myself Where I pushed you to be a better person -  Kinder. Empathetic. And lovable; Just so you could learn that life isn’t always a competition With yourself And everyone else.

I wish I could go back to May - When we were so happy and in love So I could tell you that I love you one last time And watch your face light up when you heard it and said it back. Rather than the silence on the other side of the phone When we said our final goodbyes, thousands of miles apart. “I love you. I always will.” The silence that fell between us after was  A stillness too heartbreaking to describe.

I was your transitional girlfriend. Someone to fill your bed while you tried to figure out your life. While I was busy making plans for us You were planning my exit all along.

And now you're thousands of miles away With the job you got while staying at my place. I was your cheerleader the whole time. Leaving “good luck. I love you,” on sticky notes as you slept that I later found crumpled up in the trash. The opposite of me. (I still have the sticky note you secretly left me for how to do your skincare routine). I was always a throw away for you. Someone you never saw as your forever. Just your right now.

Not only do you have a nice job in a new place But you have a new girl too. “This girl just hit’s different,” You said in an instagram post That I never got but always wanted. She’s not a secret like me. You found someone with more money. And self-confidence to match. You look happy and the images I see Of you with her, I realize you never looked like that with me. I was your transitional girlfriend. The one to keep you company while you got your life together.