always a light in the chaos...

I'll suffer alone, in the silence. I lay away. I put everything up on a dusty shelf and walk away. Maybe this is where it was all meant to be anyway.

I locked myself in the car and screamed and cried. How did my life go from a distant memory to reliving the very fear I thought I crawled away from?? Why do I always seem to deserve the anger?? I thought I finally deserved love. That... was not love. My heart aches. My heart is still so sad.

I was abused for years, and you knew that. You thought it would be funny to pretend to smack my face. Stopping short of my cheek enough that I felt the wind. I closed my eyes, tight, waiting for the impact to return. The feeling of hatred that I ran for so long to get away from. It didn't come. The shaking throughout my body that I thought I had escaped for years did come though. I ran, I hid, I cried. You followed me said you were sorry but then it escalated. I told you to leave me be. You left, and then came back. This time with anger. REAL anger. Slamming your fist to the door, demanding me to open it. You said you were sorry... so why come back with anger while I am still afraid? Who are you today? I don't recognize this version of you. I hate this version of you.

..

I spend so much time in worry... do I push people away in doing so?... of course I do. I can’t escape my thoughts. 

During our touch time together you have shown me over and over again that you are attentive to other people’s needs as well as your own.