word count 1384 @wolfstarmicrofic
The words hit him and it felt like he had been doused in ice water. Sirius jumped up from the bed and got dressed as quickly as he could—not even able to look back at Remus and feeling like an absolute jerk for leaving his best friend like that.
But he couldn't think of anything else to do in that moment. So he walked the streets, the shadows from the streetlights casting eerie glows and all he could think about was his hesitation to start this friends with benefits situation
He really thought that Remus was okay with this and they had talked about it over and over and over again—that it was just sex and that Sirius couldn't do romantic relationships; that it wasn't a possibility.
He'd said it was nothing against Remus but still Sirius had never been able to come out to his friends as aro. He felt like it was some kind of deficit. He felt the pressure from his parents and from society made it to where he thought there was something wrong with him. Sirius knew intellectually that this was not true. Regulus was aroace but he felt like there was a bit more understanding whenever you had both aspects of the sexuality. But since it's just one Sirius felt kind of alone in it. He had never met anyone else like him, it seemed it was usually both or you were allosexual.
No matter how much he trusted James, Peter and Remus he had hadn't been able to make the words come out of his mouth. Now he felt like everything was crashing down on him and he felt so so guilty—he really thought that Remus understood and that Remus could do this and Sirius felt oblivious for not noticing that things were different lately with Remus and the last thing that he ever wanted to do was hurt him.
He knew that he just done that. Sirius abruptly turned around and started heading back to the flat. He thought about calling James but he also felt like that would be some kind of betrayal to Remus. If he was able to talk to someone else before him when Sirius just ran out on him.
He practiced the words over and over in his head but he really didn't know how put it to where this wouldn't completely ruin everything that they used to have. They live together, they have Sunday dinner where they cook together, they watch movies together, they talked about books together. Remus sat and went through the plots of all of his novels with Sirius. These are some of the best times in Sirius' life.
The day that Remus kissed him Sirius felt both dread and a sense of something falling into place. He had felt attraction to Remus for a long time and it was something he thought he would never do because he was scared of this exact thing happening.
They talked about it. Sirius thought, a little selfishly mad right at that moment because Remus said that he understood, said that he was okay with it. And the last 6 months had seemed like he was okay—it seemed like nothing changed and now everything had.
He still hadn't gotten his thoughts together when he opened the door but his heart felt like it was breaking whenever he heard broken sobs coming from the bathroom. He went in after hesitating for way too long on the other side It had been something he had never thought about before—they were in a dorm room together and they had seen each other without clothes countless times after Remus' transformations and after showers but now, Sirius stood there for way too long until Remus' cries didn't stop and Sirius needed to go in. That was his best friend and one of the most important people in his life. Sirius knew that he had hurt him by just walking out even if Sirius couldn't offer an 'I love you' in the way Remus meant it— or that it felt like the terms of their agreement had been broken… He knew that until today—he would never have walked out on any of his friends when they were this upset. Much less if he was the one that—whether he meant to or not—had a part in hurting them
Sirius went in and wrapped his arms around Remus, not caring that the shower was on, not caring that the water was cold, he wanted to give him all the comfort that he could.
They sat there for a long time and he put Remus' hand on his chest, trying to mimic a normal pattern of breathing. Finally, when Remus started shivering and he turned the water off and wrapped him in a towel, taking off his own clothes and putting on some discarded ones, not wanting to make Remus uncomfortable in any way and took him to Remus' bed and just held him.
"I'm sorry," Remus said, voice hoarse and nasally.
"I shouldn't have left you, Moony. I'm the one who should be sorry."
"Well. Yes, that sucks. But. For what I said. It wasn't fair. We've talked so many times about what this was, and I changed the game. I went back on it. Can we just forget it?"
Sirius tightened his arms around Remus briefly, squeezing his shoulders, which be noticed were tight. Remus was probably hurting even before sitting on the hard tile of the tub, and Sirius rearranged their position so he could massage his neck and shoulders. Sirius let the silence settle between them, beyond tempted to accept Remus' offer. Remus was a people pleaser and he would do everything he could to make things normal.
But Sirius' next thought strengthened his resolve. Remus would lock everything down, shoving it into his little box of pain, things that drained him to think about. Things that Sirius knew he usually dealt with on his own, things that broke him. Every once in awhile he would talk about subjects that Sirius knew he repressed, but there surely was more that they didn't know about.
Sirius didn't want to play any part of Remus' pain being hidden away. He'd already been there, probably still was sometimes because of the prank.
"I'm aromantic. Moony. I can't give you what you want. I don't feel romantic love. But I wish that I could for you. You are so special to me, I always want you in my life. I love what we are together and what we have. You are my best friend. If James is my brother and the other half of my soul, you are the other half of my heart. I want to run to you with news, you are the one I want to go to dinner with, you are the one that I want to live with the rest of my life, even knowing that's unfair, because I know that you want romance. You want to be married and the white picket fence dreams."
"How can I really be that special to you? I thought I was a distant connection compared to James, I am not worthy to have that place to anyone. Much less to you, Sirius you are amazing."
"There are different kinds of love. And I feel many kind. I love you as much as James even if it does look different, because it is. I just… can't be a partner to you. Not in that way."
"It doesn't have to be in that way. I love how things are with us. I can learn how you want to be loved. If you want to be in my life, and keep what we have, I'm okay with it."
"Moony. This is a lot. All at once, and you don't have to make decisions right now. Let's talk more tomorrow okay? Right now, you're barely keeping your eyes open. How about pajamas and I can be the big spoon."
"Yes. Let's talk tomorrow and let's sleep for now. But Sirius, no matter how it looks, I want you. I choose you," Remus said, leaning back against Sirius and giving him a small smile.
"I choose you too, Moony."
