The Reddest Mage

we used to turn the tv on and just watch whatever was on there

Yes, it was frequently The Simpsons.

trying to imagine a world where my clothes are actually dry when they come out of the dryer

For years, sci-fi has asked, what if aliens were wetter than us. Project Hail Mary posits a new, daring question. What if we are the wet aliens

You ever make friends so good you start to realize most of the people closest to you have been undercover operatives sent by the devil to ruin your life

I’m so pro abortion I feel insane hearing any other take on it

Even lefties I know will eventually concede to some situation where they think it’s right to force someone to carry a child against their will as if that’s not one of the most inhumane and cruel situations to put someone in regardless of any other factors

getting a jobjob from a water cooler with big pronouns

Who was everyone's like first fictional/cartoon crush??

Not now, kitten, m- da- m- your parental figure is in the middle of a gender crisis

I love getting unaccompanied minors (kids flying alone) who so clearly just. Don't want to be here lol. Sometimes I get to know a little of their story, like their parents are divorced, or a family member died and they're heading to the funeral, but usually they just don't want to talk about it and that's fine. But I always treat the flight like it's a challenge to make them smile. I offer them snacks and soda but that's never enough, that's whatever, they could get those from an airport vending machine. Chump change. So then I tell the worst jokes. Just the most embarrassing, kindergarten teacher, annoying dad jokes you can think of. And those always get a groan, or a "Seriously??" And that's my in! Now I can say "Why, what's your idea of a good joke? No, come on hotshot, make your best joke, let's see it." And they hem and they haw but of course they eventually tell me their very best joke because kids are little competitive comedy goldmines. And it's always super funny, so I laugh, and that's where they slip up. Because you know what you almost always do when your joke successfully makes someone laugh? You smile. And I'm like. Gotcha. Rookie move. Now you're going to end up having a good time in spite of yourself. I win.

Did this with an 11yo u.m. today and he said "What did the ghost say to the other ghost?" And I said "What?" "Nothing. Ghosts aren't real."

shoutout to the woman from my high school martial arts class who liked to get me in joint locks and then joke about how I was easy to catch. you cannot comprehend how psychosexually formative that was for me

imagine, if you will, having an adolescent half-crush on someone way older than you, which is also confusingly blurred up with admiration of them as a role model. now imagine that you and that person are in a social environment where it is acceptable to (platonically, consensually) choke someone. I think I was very normal about it considering the circumstances

she would demonstrate takedowns on her husband (also in the class, and who was not a small man) before we got to try them and the first time I saw her twist him around and down onto the floor like it was easy my entire abdomen clenched

I cannot stress enough how eager this guy was to be manhandled (womanhandled?) and flipped around by his wife. he was her de facto guinea pig whenever she got to teach and I never saw him unenthusiastic about it. he'd set himself up for a joint lock fully smiling. the other adults in the class occasionally teased him about it (being so quick to let your wife put you in a submission hold tends to raise a few eyebrows), and I always kind of wanted to defend him but what would I have said? like, don't worry. I won't judge you. I also like being pinned down by your wife

That last sentance really hits ya like a psychosexually formative takedown

when i say im good at something i mean i suck slightly less at it than the other things i suck at 

people will call any story that depicts actual conflict &/or uncomfortable themes trauma porn & expect me to take anything they say seriously

& somehow its ALWAYS "this feels extreme to me because i cannot relate to it & thus it is not an Acceptable Amount of suffering" like cool Kaetliynn it just happens that not everyone lives in Suburb, USA & the worst thing that ever happened to you was that your parents got divorced when you were six

okay. breathe. listen to my voice. can you tell me five things in this room you can fuck?

okay great. now list me four things in this room you can kill.

beautiful. there you go. okay. now: tell me three things you can impose unjust taxes on.

almost done. can you list two things you could shove in a pipe and smoke?

last one: one thing you could use as a makeshift weapon?

why are you still crying