I had thought I was a lesbian for 7 years. Found out I'm actually not.
In honor of the end of pride 2026 I'd like to share my story with you.
So, I've always known that I like femininity. I admired how girls in childhood series or cartoons looked, I shipped them with each other before I found out what "shipping" was. I'd never thought of it as strange or abnormal and, once I came across some video on youtube about queer identities, I almost instantly labeled myself as both agender and lesbian.
And that hadn't changed for a very long time. 7 years specifically. Some details had been being added to those two main labels but at end of the day I could still describe myself quite simply, with just two words, one for gender and one for sexuality.
However, I always had some thoughts about whether I like men or not. I supposed I didn't since I didn't feel any romantic/sexual attraction towards them. Usually, when someone says "man" most imagine a masculine man, including me, so it was difficult to realize I like men, after all, just a very specific kind, that is feminine men with soft features. I was attracted to them aesthetically but didn't want to engage in romance or sex with them. Also, I had (and still have) androphobia, so it was an extra challenge I faced, trying to imagine myself being close to men, even feminine. I naturally concluded I was still a lesbian and denied myself in any more possible doubt.
But I'd known for a few years I was on aroace spectrum and I'd tried on several labels, but no one really suited me just right. Eventually, I discovered I became completely aromantic because of trauma when I was still in my teens. Since then, I never felt any romantic attraction again despite my attempts to be in romantic relationships, believing I had those feelings because of alloromantic culture. That was quite easy to understand through plain analysis once I overcame the phase of denial, so I labeled myself as aromantic and caedromantic. The sexual part of my identity was a lot more complicated to comprehend. I did it this pride month.
I've always been kinky. Like, ALWAYS. When my sexuality started to form, I was already deeply traumatized by isolation and had antisocial tendencies. On top of that, I experienced a lot of prolonged sexualized trauma as I hit puberty. This definitely influenced me, I got some unusual kinks and paraphilic disorder(s). But this was also the reason I haven't developed any sexual attraction towards people, but towards situations/clothes/behavior etc. When I felt especially disconnected with lesbian flag, celebrating this pride, I finally realized I'd never ever been sexually attracted not only to men, but to feminine folks, too. Every time I saw a beautiful person, I've never wanted to have sex with that specific person. I wanted to have sex with any aesthetically pleasant person who could make my kinks come true or simply make me feel physical pleasure and some fun on the way. I've always had only aesthetic attraction towards feminine people, regardless of their sex and gender.
I'm proud to come out now as black stripe asexual that had never felt sexual attraction towards anyone despite being kinky, suffering from paraphilic disorder(s) and having sex life. And now I'm more open to having sexual experience with pretty fem men, too!
That was a difficult journey and I'm still a little sad about abandoning my lesbian identity because I've gotten fond of it through years. But I've finally found my true self which is more important than habit.
Happy pride month! (Every month is a pride month, after all)
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