MuffinFury

(obviously this canon divergence would have dire consequences for Ilya, but I'm more interested in the 'driving Shane insane with apoplectic levels of jealousy' angle.)

I have been rotating this for a full 24 hours uhgggg

Okay so. I want to say that, if Ilya got outed, his own jealousy would not immediately be at the forefront of Shane's mind. It would be the pungeant Doritos nacho seasoning on top of the greater spiral that he would immediately enter into. The name of the initial spiral would be "I Have To Save Ilya" and it would, underneath the panic, be wish fulfillment of the highest order. Shane has always enjoyed fantasizing about saving Ilya. He loves to daydream about the rink catching fire and everyone gets out safely except WAIT where is Ilya Rozanov?? And it's Shane who has to run back into a burning building and use his Superior Knowledge of Ilya to find him and he's trapped under a beam or something (Shane read that article about the mom lifting the car off her kid like six times) and Shane pulls him out and then they limp triumphantly out of the rink together and everyone cheers and now Ilya has a reason to look at him like he personally put the moon and stars in the sky. In public even! Wow!

So Shane would immediately go into crisis management mode. If Ilya was outed, I truly believe that it would trigger a chain of events wherein Yuna Hollander woke up one morning to the news that Ilya Rozanov had been caught going down on some rockin' twink (I do think it needs to be Ilya both for the Shane Jealousy Potential and also because someone with short hair giving Ilya Rozanov head would come with almost too much plausible deniability versus the inalienable truth of Dick In Mouth) (An additional aside to this is that Ilya almost NEVER gives Shane head on his knees and it drives Shane crazy that he did that. He doesn't even want Ilya to do that TO HIM Shane loves their dynamic he's just like. Why?? Why did he do that?? The answer is molly) and by the end of the day Yuna's own son has come out to her and in the same breath told her that he needs her help to safe Ilya Rozanov. Because um. Solidarity.

So then it turns into a Whole Thing where the Hollanders are working behind the scenes welding NDAs like grenades to make sure that Ilya Rozanov does not get disappeared to Russia, never to be seen again. The NHL, of course, cannot weasel out of Ilya's contract (Even if they could, the people of Boston would riot--that's their homo and he won them the Cup) so he's protected by his employment status to an extent but the fact that Ilya Rozanov needs to Defect From Russia becomes immediately and poignantly apparent. So there are lots of closed-door meetings with NHL lawyers and immigration lawyers and the U.S. State Department and fucking?? Yuna Hollander?? And probably Farah since Ilya's agent is Russian and blocked his number.

And you know we're just spitballing here so I genuinely don't know what happens but I do know that at some point Shane and Ilya are standing alone in a hotel room in Los Angeles (I imagine this whole thing is taking place over the summer. I also imagine that they're in LA because Ilya is making a Tour of Bisexual Self-Flagellation where he makes various media appearances to drum up the sympathy of the American people and on this day Ilya has appeared on Ellen (Before she was evil) and he actually had a great time meeting Ellen (she wasn't evil yet) and Yuna Hollander was backstage like Dear God These People Are Not Treated Well (Ellen has been evil the whole time)) and in this Los Angeles hotel room Shane is coming down off of mild hear stroke because it is one million degrees in Los Angeles and he runs hot and he's laying on the bed in the cool and dark and just says from underneath his own arm, "I cannot fucking believe you did this."

Which triggers the anticipated argument. Oh sorry Hollander I know everything is always about you/shut the fuck up asshole you know that's not what I mean/okay so what do you/it was FUCKING IRRESPONSIBLE Rozanov/YOU DON'T THINK I--

Then there's a moment of angry silence and Shane scoffs and says, "And all of this for some fucking--slut--"

And Ilya grabs his jaw and says, "Oh, that's what this is about. Jealous Hollander."

"Shut the fuck up."

"So what, you think you're the only man I should fuck?"

"Maybe!" Shane yells. "I'm the only one who knows how to be fucking careful! Clearly, I'm the only one who cares! The only one who can keep you safe--"

And then Ilya gets on the bed and bullies his way between Shane's legs and says, "You just want me all to yourself. You are jealous," but his eyes are wild because it's been twelve years since anyone cared about keeping him safe. About keeping him.

And Shane says, "You know I am. Fuck, you make me so fucking jealous I can't even--"

Shane very confidently puts on the playlist of songs he's heard and knows are supposed to be Songs For This Situation, not imagining anything could go wrong.

But when it starts with "I'll Make Love to You" by Boys II Men, then goes into "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith, then "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye, Shane can tell that Ilya is fighting not to laugh. By the time it gets to "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" by Celine Dion, Ilya can't take it anymore. He collapses against Shane's chest laughing so hard he's crying.

"What? What the fuck is so funny?" says Shane, a little annoyed but fighting a giggle himself because Ilya's laugh is so contagious.

"You, My Shane," he says, barely managing to press a clumsy kiss to Shane's lips through his laughter. "Only you, my beautiful boyfriend, would have this as your sex playlist."

"They're love songs," he says defensively, folding his arms. "This is literally what they're for."

"Yes, maybe if you were born in 1965," he says, wiping his eyes. "Do you even like any of these songs?"

"I mean, I don't hate the Celine Dion one."

And Ilya's full on laughing again as he kisses Shane. "Oh my god, solnyshko, I just love you so fucking much."

"Fuck... You... Rozanov," says Shane, in between kisses. "That's the last time I try to do something romantic for us. From now on you choose the music." He picks up the remote from his nightstand and hands it to Ilya. But Ilya shakes his head.

"No, no, I like it now," he says, stifling his laugh and grinding against Shane's thigh to emphasize his point. "I feel now like I will never again be able to get hard without the help from this song from Top Gun."

saw an inspiring video that said you need to have 4 hobbies.

create, consume, cavort, commune

create: bring something to life consume: appreciate the art of another cavort: move your body daily commune: have a community to socialize with

Body Horror: Things that cannot happen in real life. EX: The Thing, stomach mouths, eyes on hands, etc

Gore: Fresh injuries, often severe. EX: Severed leg, gutspill, deep gashes, etc

NEITHER: Healed injuries and burns, congenital differences, missing appendages, etc. If I could theoretically go to the store and see that character browsing the isles- It isn't body horror or gore. That's just a person. *AND the amount of people that tag, not just fictional characters, but real human beings as body horror is staggering. Its not solely a fandom issue, ableism and bigotry against anyone that looks sufficiently "different" is prevalent in real life and has devastating consequences.