Raise Your Glass!

i hate how reward systems never work for me like i can’t just say “if i finish this assignment i can have a cookie” bc my brain is like “…..or u could just have one right now” and i can’t argue with that logic

Self-imposed deadlines don’t work either because I know the guy who set them and he’s full of shit

Had a realization in a dream I just had that this isn’t real and I can just do whatever I want and so I started shrinking the face of this guy that was talking to me and then once it got real small I woke up sleep paralyzed

I was given godlike powers over the universe by realizing it’s all in my head and the first thing I did was use them to torment the nearest man

And the actual God woke me up and put me into a 5 minute timeout to lay frozen and think about what I’ve done

The doctor I went to last week was looking over my history and he said “Endometriosis?” and I said yes. And he said “Is that just your speculation or have you actually been diagnosed?” and I was like “I have been cut open three times for it so I hope it isn’t just speculation.” and he just looked at me and said “Females tend to diagnose themselves” and without missing a beat I said “Well I hope you do your job so I don’t have to.” 

FUCK

Leave that doctor and report him he sounds shitty and dangerous

hold up Danny DeVito directed the most influential film of my childhood?

Not only directed it but starred in it, took care of Mara Wilson (Matilda) while her mother was in hospital with cancer and even managed to get an advanced copy of the movie for her to watch before she succumbed to her illness. The man is a treasure.

there’s enough tail there to make a second kitty

Video

This was wonderfully hilarious

this is like the ideal job

This is just an average preschool.

I read a short story where a woman character “always looked forward to her period” because it was “a reminder of her womanness” and YES! The story WAS in fact written by a male!

may you get a sign this week that shows you that you’re on the right path and that things are flowing and moving in your favor. may the sign be evident, clear, and direct