A post shared by Mo'nique (@therealmoworldwide)

I'm of the personal belief that people can carry themselves however they want, but it did lead me to think about how much stigma is attached to Black women's hair. As someone who has had many different hairstyles, I thought I'd do a run down of what my hair has said about me over the years according to stereotypes and how it has affected how I’ve been treated.

Disclaimer: I come from a family with naturally long hair so I have never tried or felt the need to use weave. It also has not been my personal preference after cutting my hair.

Long & relaxed

I wore this style in my teenage years so the perception was different based on my age, but in general, this style is associated with being professional (we’ll get to more on that later), well kept, and well to-do. This is basically the style of all the modern day “bad b*tches”. With this style, I definitely got the most male attention and least amount of questions from white people lol.

The bob

This is the sassy look. People assumed I was fun and flirty. I got less male attention, but more compliments from women. This style is perceived as being for the fun friend whose always down for a good time. Ironically enough, this is when I gained a lot of new female friends lol.

Short cut

This is from when I decided to go natural. The is the strong black woman look. This looks says I’m confident in who I am and don’t need validation. The male attention was pretty much non-existent during this phase, but I was also really focused on school lol.

Afro

This is the activist look. This hair says that this sister (word choice chosen carefully) is very comfortable with her natural and most likely can’t be told what to do lol. People take you a lot more seriously with a style like this because it’s so undeniably there, full, and Black. You may get asked a lot of questions surrounding race and politics and find yourself in less diverse spaces.

Locs

This is the sexy natural look. When I transitioned into locs, it was for 2 reasons: I was tired of the maintenance required for long natural hair and I wanted to look more professional in business spaces. Little did my 21 years old self know that locs are mostly viewed as unprofessional by the “mainstream”. On the flip side, locs are interpreted differently in the Black community. Locs is when people start calling you queen and expect you to be a hotep of sorts. It’s also the “sexy” style of natural styles so male attention comes back. Side note: this was one of my absolutely favorite hairstyles because of the diversity and journey.

Mohawk

The is the sexy freaky lesbian look. After I cut my hair like this, my sexuality immediately came into question lol. I started being told I was a lesbian from religious AND non-religious people (thanks for informing me? lol). I started getting hit on by women and asked if I had a girlfriend. It’s a whole thing lol. But I also started getting hit on by older men and this look also apparently says that I have a freaky side. *Shrugs* Who knows? lol At the end of the day, hair is as much as a choice as anything else. One thing I’ll never do is base my hair decisions on anyone else’s perceptions of me. Whether I’m baldheaded, long haired, or covered up in a bonnet. My hair is all mine and that is all there is to it. Comment below! How do you rock your hair and why?

Since social media sites like Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, and more have hit the scene, the way we relate to each other has completely changed. I remember anticipating getting my college email address so that I could use it to create an account on Facebook. That was years ago and now that I've become fully accustomed to this social media thing, here's my official Top 5 pet peeves:

5. SELFIE/BEAT FACE/BOOTY/SMIZING PIC WITH AN INSPIRATIONAL CAPTION

We've ALL seen it lol. In the world of Influencer marketing, it's pretty much unavoidable. A downside to social media is that it's very easy for authenticity to be lost and nothing screams "Fake" to me more than this! If you look good and you just want to revel in that, by all means DO IT! But don't bring Maya Angelou quotes into it lol.

4. USELESS COMMENTING

I feel like Freedom of speech was taken to a whole new level when social media was invented. People really just say WHATEVER is on their mind and sometimes, it's truly best to just stay quiet. ESPECIALLY when what you're saying isn't helpful at all. If I ask for suggestions on good places to eat in Dallas, TX, please don't reply with a comment about how Dallas doesn't compare to Houston. If I say the sky is really blue today, is it really necessary to talk about why technically blue is a relative color and it could also be purple? As this good sis puts it...

— La Bella Mafia ✨ (@blvnnt__) June 1, 2020

3. POSTING IT WITHOUT POSTING IT

Let me preface what I'm about to say with noting that I am a very private person to a fault. I've had people actually feel some type of way because I haven't shared certain aspects of my life with them. With that said, if you're going to dedicate a whole post to some sort of announcement, ANNOUNCE THE WHOLE THING. 

I cannot STAND it when people half-post something, especially if it's health related lol. People will do a whole paragraph about how they were in the hospital for a month and half, doctors ran several tests to no avail, and then after flying across the country and getting a second opinion, they finally got diagnosed correctly and are healing, BUT NEVER POST WHAT THE DIAGNOSIS WAS. I caaaaan't lol. 

I've also seen where people will post about something that helped them, but don't list the company, product, no link or nothing chile. If folks have to follow up, you didn't understand the assignment lol. Announce it right! lol

2. TROLLING

It's no secret that Cancel Culture has taken Twitter by storm. Mess up too much and your whole career could be gone hunny. But what really bothers me are people who use social media to say mean and hurtful things about people (usually celebrities) like they aren't people too. I understand that everybody ain't gone like everybody and everything, but people get REAL bold behind a qwerty keyboard. 

The fact that there usually aren't any immediate consequences to saying horrible things online is what I think emboldens people. I don't like violence or bullying and there is so much verbal abuse on the internet. The good thing is, some celebrities have learned to take it all in stride! (But still...)

1. UNNECESSARY CHANGES

This actually has nothing to do with people and EVERYTHING to do with the platforms themselves. WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS FIXING WHAT AIN'T BROKE? I don't need a new profile design. What I need is the ability to filter my saved tweets and posts. I need to be able to put Reels back on my profile grid once I take them off. 

And don't even get me started on these ever-changing, money-grabbing ALGORITHMS. Just when you think you've got a handle on something, here they go changing it up. It feels like a situationship lol. UGH! lol

Overall, I think social media can be a great way to stay connected to others. Especially in times like the past year and a half when we've all been stuck in the house. Those interactions can help us to feel less alone. As with anything neutral, it can be used for good or bad, but whew those 5 right there?!?! PLEASE! lol 

Comment below! What are YOUR pet peeves? 

Let's face it. Rejection sucks. And it usually comes after going after something you really want. A job. A new opportunity. A love interest. It can feel like a sucker punch depending on how hopeful and emotionally attached to the "thing" you are. For me, I really like my plans to go the way I see them going in my head. Maybe it's the only-child in me, but it really bothers me when things don't go according to plan. ESPECIALLY if I put a lot of thought and effort into it.

BUT life has taught me to only hold but so tightly to my plans. After all, EVERYTHING can't go according to plan, right?

It's also taught me these specific things about getting told "No":

1. The Risk Of Rejection Is The Price of Effort

I hear “No” a lot. Because I try a lot. I’m always moving forward toward the next goal or aspiration which inherently means that I face a lot of rejection. Although being rejected is never fun, it's also a reminder that I am actually trying something and that is worth celebrating.

I could be procrastinating. I could be letting the fear of failure keep me from even attempting, but the fact that I've put myself in a position to be rejected means that I didn't.

Everything in this life pretty much costs. Nothing is REALLY free. 

And the same goes for opportunity. At its base level, opportunity requires the risk of rejection. It may also require sacrifice, discipline, tenacity, money, and persistence among other things.

So the next time you get rejected, rejoice lol. It means you're doing something right!

2. What Is Meant To Be Will Be

It took me a while to grasp this and even now, I still struggle to embrace it at times. I believe everything that is meant for me will not pass me by. I also believe in my power to create my own opportunities. I believe in God and I believe in being guided by what I call my internal compass - the soft spoken voice, hunch, gut feeling that lives within. With all that working for me, I trust that whatever doesn't work out is simply not meant for me.

Even when we really really really want something. Nothing that is meant to be ours will ever have to be forced. Not to say that we won’t have to work for it. We may have to put in the blood, sweat, and tears to reach whatever it is we want. Anything worth any value rarely comes easy in this life, but I don’t believe there should be an unnatural push for certain things to occur.  

On top of that, I have had things work out for me in such a supernatural way before that I'm absolutely convinced that what IS meant for me will NOT miss me.

3. Rejection Is Simply Redirection

Although I believe in relentlessly going after my goals, I have come to learn that sometimes the path of getting there isn't going to be exactly how I planned.  

Take moving to Atlanta for instance. In 2013, I was fresh out of grad school with my sights on moving straight to the city. However, coming off the heels of the 2008 economic recession put a swift halt to that plan.  

I didn't actually end up moving there until 2015 and yes, I was bothered lol.  

But the journey to that point challenged and refined my character. It help me to see that I was not entitled to opportunity just because I had 2 degrees. It forced me to learn the meaning of perseverance and it resulted in me creating a life-changing EP (click to check it out!).   

By the time I got to Atlanta, I had so many experiences and life-lessons behind me that I was in a better position than I would have been in 2013.

PICTURE: Me visiting Atlanta to look for housing in 2013

I’m always being directed by my internal compass and in the times where I feel like I can’t determine which way to go, I let the outward circumstances guide me as well. This is where the power of “no” lives.  “No” is a way to be guided. I’ve stopped seeing it as rejection and started embracing it as redirection. And yes, sometimes you push through the “No” because you are absolutely sure that thing is for you. In those cases, I would say to trust your hunch. But in the cases where you are not sure, where many options exists, where the path is unclear, receive “No” in full embrace and trust that the path that you are on is heading another fruitful and successful way. "No" just means next opportunity!

1.  Learning About The Unsung Heroes

When most people hear "Black History Month", they immediately think about the most popular faces of Blackness like Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, W.E.B. Dubois and more. While the work of those people are undoubtedly important, there are other lesser-known folks who also contributed to creating history. People like Mary Beatrice Davidson Kenner who is credited for inventing what we now know as sanitary napkins (after having her patent denied for 30 years). Or Garrett Morris who was the first black man to ever star on Saturday Night Live (he's still alive by the way) and many more people whose names rarely get spoken during this time. There are stories in the shadows just waiting to be discovered so I am doing just that! Here's a google search I used to discover them if you're interested too.

 2. Researching My Family History

It's no secret that African-American lineage was purposely concealed and erased durning slavery. Many Black people in America cannot trace their family history beyond 2-3 generations and I am no different. In addition to that, a lot of people in my family passed away when I was fairly young so the oral history of my family was also lost. However, thanks to modern day technology, I am able to create a family tree with the knowledge I do have and organize the information for future purposes. I am also asking living family members about their memories and any documents they may have.

 3. Supporting Local Black Owned Businesses

This is something I am intentional about doing year-round, but especially during Black History Month. I live in Atlanta so fortunately, I don't have to go far to find a locally Black-owned business, but even in that, there are more known businesses than others. This month, I am on a quest to discover new Black-owned businesses in my community that I didn't know about or are just starting out that I can support. Thankfully, a quick google search yielded great results that I am excited to explore!

 4. Engaging With Content Centered on Black Folks' Stories

We are living in an unprecedented time, not only because of the current pandemic, but in general. Technology has become a leading force in all of our lives which has opened up doors for marginalized communities and leveled the playing field in many ways (we still have a long way to go though). Black content creators are leveraging the internet to share their perspective and shine a light into the Black experience. And finally being heard on their own terms. Some folks that I am currently enjoying are KevOnStage Studios, the Tough Love series on Youtube, AllDefDigital, shows and movies on Netflix such as Girlfriends, Moesha, Voices of Fire, POSE, The 40-Year-Old Version, etc. but here are plenty more.

 5. Considering My Own Legacy

If you keep up with this blog, then you know that legacy is something I am constantly thinking about, but there is something about Black History Month that just puts it right in front of my face. Like a massive "And what are you doing with YOUR life?" moment. I'm not mad at it. It's easy to just go with the flow, but the reality is all of us have the potential to create history. It may not be the first ever to do something or inventing a life changing technology, but every day, we are creating our own personal history. With that, I think about the type of legacy I want to leave - one of kindness, honesty, transparency, and truth. I'm currently reading Cicely Tyson's memoire and I think her words sum up this point perfectly "To examine, to question, to discover and evolve - that is what is means to be alive. The day we cease to explore is the day we begin to wilt." And I ain't wilting!   

6. Celebrating Black History In The Making

While Black History Month is a great time to reflect on the past accomplishments of Black folks, it's also a great time to celebrate what's happening now. And not just with celebrities like Lebron James (argued to be becoming the greatest basketball player of all time), Tyler Perry (the first African-American to outright own a major film studio), Kamala Harris (the first Black female Vice-President) and more (shout out to Stacey Abrams!), but literally the people within my own circle of influence. The people in my own community making history every day. Like my friends who are the first in their families to go to college, start businesses, or own anything. People I know who are using their ideas and resources to teach others how to thrive. App creators. Musicians. Scholars. Authors. Investors. They are all around us and making history every day.

This month will always be relevant and necessary as far as I'm concerned. Black folks' amazingness has been demeaned, brutalized, and appropriated. Globally, we are considered the least of the least so if it's one thing we gone do is CELEBRATE WHO WE ARE. Here's one of my favorite Blackity black songs to send us out. Tell me, how are you celebrating this month?

It’s the first month of the year which is usually the time we are all curating lists of resolutions and attempting new habits. Whether they end up sticking or not is another conversation lol.

Given the unique challenges that 2020 brought and continue to carry into this year, it’s easy to feel hopeless, get sidetracked, and lose momentum.

But AHT AHT! We not doing none of that!

Quite frankly, if 2020 taught me anything, it’s that time is of the essence. It’s time to stop putting certain dreams and aspirations on hold. It’s time to start striking off goals on that lifelong mental to-do list. It’s time to stop letting MYSELF get in the way of what I really want (it really be your own self sometimes!!).

But the question remains:

Here are 3 very practical and immediate ways to start getting ish DONE NOW.

1. Just Start

It may sound silly, but literally just starting is the absolute first step. Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in the planning phase of it all. Making sure every detail is sketched out. Wanting to know the end before the beginning. And while I’m all for planning (read more below), sometimes the “how” comes while doing the “what”. 

Sometimes the best way to learn how to do something is to just do it. We can’t be afraid to fail or not be an absolute master at something just yet. In the words of internet cousin Evelyn - “Don’t be afraid to be seen trying”. There’s no time like the present and tomorrow isn’t promised so get to it!

2. Put A Date On It

If you want it, then you should’ve put a date on it *sung to the tune of Single Ladies* 

Depending on how you’re wired, this may fuel your drive or cause anxiety (use with caution lol), but for me personally, putting a timeline on a task or goal helps to make it more tangible and gets my brain working on how to achieve it. If I never decide when I want to get it done, it likely will never get done. Among all the demands of everyday life, it’s easy to lose sight of goals without intention. Putting a timeline on a goal creates demand which leads to action which leads to...results!

Which leads me to my last point lol...

3. Work Backwards

This is the most strategizing strategic strategy of them all - PLANNING. And not just any type of planning, but reverse planning.

What is reverse planning, you ask? It’s basically starting from the end result and working your way backwards. Want to lose weight? Want to make 6 figures? Want to change careers?

Write the end goal down first. Then work backwards by writing down the steps leading up to that goal.

EXAMPLE:  Say I want to save $12,000 in a year. That’s the END GOAL. Now, I work backwards. If I have a job and get paid every month, I could break that number down in months. There are 12 months in a year so I would need to save $100 per month to achieve it. Great! How do I do that? Work backwards some more. Turns out if I stop eating out twice a week and cancel one of my streaming subscriptions, I’ll have an extra $100 every month. BOOM. Lastly, I need to set a date to cancel my subscriptions. AND POW! The goal is achieved! See how that worked????

I like this way of planning because it makes the action steps even more concrete and is like a map of success. I personally use the Passion Planner to do this and have found it to be one of the best tools for my personal life (check it out and get $5 off here !).

So there you have it! There may be a lot outside of our control, but one thing we CAN control is ourselves. And I’m planning on doing just that this year. Shall you join me? If so, here’s the anthem to send us on our way as we go forth and prosper. 

GET TO MOVING! HAPPY 2021!

Legacy is something I think about often [listen to me talk about it during an interview from earlier this year here]. Perhaps it’s my Type A personality that always keeps a voice in the back of my mind whispering “Girl, what are you doing?” and “Why?”. I really try to live with intention. Sometimes I wonder if it prevents me from being too spontaneous or free, but I can’t shake the feeling that time is not on my side and that any time spent can’t be recovered. This year was like a crash course on time and legacy. I don’t want to go through the names of all the people we lost this year. Quite frankly, it would be too painful for me, but I will go through the types of legacies I’ve learned to appreciate and cultivate this year.

1. Occupational

I don’t believe that we are what we do. Many people don’t have the privilege or resources to completely pursue their ultimate career choice so I don’t believe someone’s career is equivalent to their value or character. 

However, there is something to be said about the way we do what we do. How we work. How we show up. How we perform. If we do it grudgingly or not. If we do it with pride. If we do it well.

Although it may not result in praise or a raise all of the time, people notice. I would argue that the way we work is more important than the actual work itself. I think of Kobe Bryant and Chadwick Boseman. Two men who were dedicated to their craft, inspired others to cultivate their God-given gifts, and strategically used their talents to the best of their abilities.

2. Emotional

Maya Angelou is one of my biggest influences as a writer, thought leader, and just overall human being. This quote sums up the thought behind this type of legacy.

Emotional legacy is real. While we can’t control people’s perception of our words and actions, we have the ability to navigate the world in a way that doesn’t intentionally cause harm to others. We have the power to choose hate or love. We can choose to listen and apologize when needed. We can treat others as we wish to be treated.

It’s in the way that we treat and speak to people who can do nothing for us. The marginalized, the overlooked, the outcasted. Kindness goes a long way and it’s something we all need and remember. This type of legacy can intertwine with the first one as well. I think of Alex Trebek, Natalie Desselle-Reid, Tommy Lister, and more. These people made career choices and executed them in a way that left smiles on our faces, created moments in time, and brought us together.

3.  Physical

This can literally mean having family and children that bear your name. But it can also look like other things that people can see and touch. It can look like philanthropy and the transfer of wealth. Giving in small and large ways. Feeding and clothing the homeless. Donating unused clothes and goods.

Physical legacy is about using a physical means to make an impact. Everyone won’t have a street or building named after them, but most of us have something within our possession that can impact another person’s life and in sharing it, we create a legacy that people can see with their eyes and feel with their hands.

4. Spiritual

Although spirituality can look a lot of different ways, fundamentally, it’s about connecting with something outside of ourselves. Recognizing and resonating with divinity. And while I believe spirituality is a deeply personal journey, there are people who help us to navigate the mystery of it all.

I think of Ravi Zacharias, the apologist who used his time on earth to help people navigate the hard questions. I think of Rance Allen, the charismatic singer, whose words helped shine a light of hope in people’s darkest moments.

It’s not everyone’s calling to do this, but I believe at the very least, we can all leave a spiritual legacy by recognizing and honoring the divinity in humanity and helping to sustain the hope we all need.

Intuition. I would say she and I made a formal introduction in my late 20′s. Before then, I would only see her around the way. That little unction, that little voice that speaks from within every so often. But then came adulthood. Dating. Making large financial purchases. Deciding on a career. Feeling out friendships. And she became critical to my thriving and not getting played in these streets.

Sniffing out fake spirits (read: people) who don’t have my best intentions at heart. Navigating the ins and outs of this life. She made the introduction. Inviting herself into my life gently and over time. I didn’t even realize her worth until I had ignored her one too many times.

She would speak up and I would just go about my way. She would try to tell me “Ooh girl, this ain’t it” long before I was able to see the end result, but when the end result came, I quickly found out IT WASN’T IT.

via GIPHY

Learning to trust her has been a journey. Sometimes I think she’s just being paranoid or fearful of the unknown. Sometimes I think she’s too judgmental of people before she even really gets to know them, but somehow this heifer is ALWAYS ON POINT. Even with little things. For instance, I was going to purchase something online and I only wanted to pay a certain amount for it. As I was putting it in my cart, she said “Hold off on that girl. You’re going to get a coupon in your email for it soon.” At the time, it didn’t make sense because I was already using a coupon, but I decided to use the situation as a test.

Sure enough, a few days later, I got a different coupon for an even better price. SHE CAME THROUGH ONCE AGAIN! Thank you girl!

I’m starting to honor her more. Any time I feel the slightest hint of reservation and discomfort in a situation, I listen now. We have a mutual friend named Boundaries. And together, Intuition and Boundaries make the perfect pair. They are the homegirls that have your back no matter what and tell you like it is.

One acknowledges my limitations and the other supports those limitations by telling me when something is brushing up against them. It literally saves me energy, time, and money.

It’s like having my own set of internal Girlfriends without all of the flakiness and drama lol.

I am so glad to have her in my life. She is a real one and I will continue to nurture our relationship like my life depends on it...because it does.

There’s Some Hoes In This House! There’s Some Hoes In This House! WAP starts off with a provocative chant that sets the stage for the rest of the song. In an age where more and more women are owning and proclaiming their sexuality, here’s why the song and video got me to the point of writing this blog post.

I have seen a range of reactions from men and women to the song. Some folks support it, some folks just critique the artistic direction and cameo appearances, some folks think it is shameful and disgusting. And everybody is entitled to their opinion. However, one thing is for sure, the song has served as a starting point for a social conversation about women’s sexuality and its place in modern day culture.  What do I think? Personally, it’s upsetting me and my homegirls (reference to the phrase here) to see other people so up in arms about what grown women choose to do with their bodies. Women’s bodies have been policed long enough and I think it’s time we all just accept these 3 things: 

1. Women Are Sexual Beings (GASP!)

I think it goes without saying, but: Women have reproductive systems. People are born because women have sex and use their reproductive systems to grow and birth them. Now that we’ve got THAT part out of the way... Sex isn’t new. Unfortunately, neither is the misogyny that comes along with sexual expression. Yes, women get aroused. Yes, women desire sex. Yes, women need language and context to communicate those desires.

Being sexual is part of being a human being and perhaps the bigger issue is that women are still not seen as fully human. 

We are still seen as accessories to men’s fantasies and pleasure. We are not allowed to have our own, especially when they are outside of the request of a man.

Women should be able to express their sexuality in whatever way they choose without losing respect for their humanity. 

Sexuality is a different experience for everyone and if someone’s expression doesn’t match yours, it’s okay and if it’s not okay, well then...

2. Your Reaction Is More About You Than Them

What a grown adult chooses to do with their body has no affect on what you do with yours. Freedom of choice is a God-given right to all of us and yet, some people get offended when other people choose differently than them. If something is of no direct harm to you or anyone else and it offends you, it’s time to do some soul searching. Ask yourself:  1. Is this harmful to me or others? 2. If not, why am I so upset by it?

You may find that there are unresolved issues in your life, unlearning that needs to take place, or it’s really not an issue at all because at the the end of the day you can...

3. Do With It What You Will 

Again, as an adult, you have agency. It’s a beautiful thing. No one is forcing you to play the song or (hate) watch the video. As it relates to children, there is content that is purposed for children and content that is purposed for adults.

An artist is not your child’s parent. It is the responsibility of the parent to monitor their child’s media intake and shield them from sexual content, if that is their choice.  If you don’t like the song, don’t play it. If you don’t like the video, don’t watch it. But PLEASE don’t hate comment to those that do. You’re wasting your time. And that’s just how I feel.

It really just feels like nothing is out of the question this year. Like if aliens landed on earth and seized humanity, I wouldn’t even be surprised.

Clearly, nothing is going back to normal any time soon and that reality can be very disappointing. No summer parties. No international traveling. No dating. No nothing lol. As we all adjust to this new normal, here are my suggestions on ways to deal:

1. Allow Yourself To Feel

This is a wild time that we are living in and emotions are high. All types of emotions. Sadness, confusion, rage, and disappointment. My suggestion is to take time to sit with what you are feeling and process it. Feeling disappointment is normal at a time like this and it’s okay to feel that way. Not to wallow in it, but to acknowledge it and understand why you feel the way you feel. Knowing the what and why of your emotional state can better prepare you to manage it.

2. Understand Sometimes “No” Just Means “Not Right Now”

One of the ways I’m dealing with this year is holding on to the fact that it will not be this way forever. Even with as long as I’ve been quarantining and social distancing, it will not last forever. Someday in the future, we will be able to walk the streets without masks. We will be able to attend concerts again. We will be able to travel. Knowing this gives me hope and helps me to put everything into context.

It can also be helpful to keep planning. Even if you can’t do it right away, the process of planning for the future can help to keep your hopes up.

3. Find Or Create Other Opportunities (AKA Adjust)

I feel like almost all of us have had to do this in one way or another. We can’t dine-in so we do take-out. We can’t gather in large groups or go to concerts so we do Zoom meetings and do virtual shows. This time is all about finding workarounds. It’s a time to get creative and still do what you want and need. I had plans to travel this year. I wanted to go to the West Coast for a while. My birthday is in July and I wanted to TURN UP, but alas... Even though I wasn’t able to turn up the way I wanted, I still found one of my favorite things to do that was Corona safe - going to the mountains. I had a small picnic and took in the views. It was great!

My heart is heavy and the appropriate words to communicate all that I am feeling escape me. I just want to sit and rest and try to muster up the strength to face another day as a Black woman in America. In years past, I have protested. I’ve marched with my community and neighbors. I’ve voted. I’ve called local official offices. I’ve donated to organizations and victim’s families.

But today. Now. This week. For now. I am tired.

I feel so much and almost nothing at all. I’m overwhelmed and numb. How much longer? How may more years of fighting and tarrying?

My people are tired. Exhausted in fact. There is so much to feel and process. The historical implication of everything that has happened. My personal experiences. The experiences of all of us across the diaspora. So much more work that needs to be done.

I’m thankful for the energy of younger and recently awakened souls. Those who have been demonstrating despite the health risks of the pandemic.

I think my place in this race, as of now, is a quieter one. Conversations with non-poc. Voting. Donations. Social awareness.

When news broke that Erykah Badu and Jill Scott would be participating in the first female #Verzuz, the internet started buzzing, but no one could anticipate the pure magic that came from the 3 hour session. As a Black woman, the exchange felt very familiar. It was the epitome of Black Girl Magic - a concept that was created as a way to "celebrate the beauty, power and resilience of Black women", as described by Julee Wilson from HuffPost, and to congratulate Black women on their accomplishments.

It was peaceful. It was healing. It was life-giving. It was fun.

1. THE MUSIC

Erykah and Jill have hits to last for daaaaays. Their songs are like the soundtrack for those big sister talks about life, love, and womanhood. The session started off with their joint effort “You Got Me” and Jill revealed that it was the first song she had ever written. Not to mention, it’s the only song Erykah has not penned herself.

So yeah. Already magical lol. As the night progressed, they each shared some of their most loved songs including “On & On”, “Didn’t Cha Know”, and “Next Lifetime” from Badu and “Crown Royal”, “A Long Walk”, and “The Way” from Scott. In between plays, they shared the backstories for how the songs came to be and the special moments that lead to their creation as well as their own dialogue which was rich and laced with wisdom and love. It felt like an intimate conversation between friends, except there were 700,000 people watching. Listen to the entire playlist below!

2. THE CULTURE

Before the session began, I had already set the mood. I lit my frankincense and myrrh candle, grabbed my adult coloring book, and propped my phone up for the vibes to commence.

Jill showed up with her choice of wine and libations. Erykah, with her DJ set against a running backdrop of Bruce Lee footage. Both were dressed in traditional neo-soul/hotep garb lol. Headwraps. Long flowing fabrics. Large earrings. I’m talking ON BRAND. And BEAUTIFUL.

Both of them had the type of glow that you can only attain when you have done the inward work and have a certain resolve about yourself. They talked about Philly, Dallas, traveling, special shows, mutual friends, lovers, oppression, living in America, motherhood, life during quarantine, self-care, and their current professional endeavors. One of my favorite quotes came from Erykah when discussing the nature of hip hop in comparison to religion: “Everybody nods their head in agreement to the kick and the snare" Culture is about shared experiences and unwritten languages. The culture was represented not just in the atmosphere and clothing. It was in the conversation, the word choice, the humor, and the talking points that made all of us feel connected. 

3. THE LOVE

These women spent 3 hours loving on and exhorting each other. As soon as the session started, they were singing each other’s praises. Jill particularly pointed out how much Erykah had influenced her career and given her a start in the industry. Erykah confirmed Jill’s right to space in the industry by saying she was supposed to work with her. Over the course of the next 3 hours, they reminisced on some of their most special moments together and shouted out other amazing women who had influenced them. Jill asked Erykah for her book of poetry and promised to rub her feet as a token of appreciation. When Erykah lost connection right at the moment she was about to play “Tyrone”, Jill stepped in and played it for her. The mutual admiration was palpable. They encouraged each other as artists, women, mothers, and humans. I’ve experienced this kind of exchange many times in my personal life. Gathering with loving Black women who intentionally support, lift, and heal each other. It is something that cannot be put into words. It comes from the shared weight of being a woman in this world and doing so with Black skin. It requires maturity and self-esteem. It is necessary for our survival. There is nothing like it and it cannot be contrived or imitated.

Jill and Erykah fostered the environment so effortlessly. Showing up in all of their beauty and uniqueness. Ready to share and receive. They were gentle, loving, patient, and supportive of each other and on top of all of that, showcased the best of their musical catalogs. It was a magical night. And if you missed it, you MISSED it, but thankfully the internet lives. Catch a replay of the full session below!

1. Keeping my butt home

I didn’t need to be told more than once to do this. This is by far the safest and most preventative measure to make sure I don’t get sick so it’s not a hard decision. Before my local government began to put restrictions on public gatherings, I chose not to attend certain events that could jeopardize my health.

 A big part of this is trying to make my home environment as comfortable and enjoyable as possible which leads me to my next point...

2. Protecting my energy

Spending so much time alone can have affects on a person’s mental health. In addition to the uncertainty of this situation and the constant conversation around it. I am now being very intentional about how much I discuss the pandemic and am limiting how much news I watch about it because watching the news in general usually raises my anxiety. This has been a huge help. I’m finding healthy distractions like catching up on Netflix shows, doing adult coloring books, and learning new skills through internet courses.

3. Getting outside

I have to give a huge shout out to my dog who has been clutch through this entire thing. Not only is she a companion, but she forces me to have to go outside and take advantage of the beautiful weather this season is bringing. We take walks around our neighborhood, but the pandemic has also caused me to look for new, more spacious outdoor spaces and I have discovered new places to go hiking which is kind of an adventure in and of itself.

4. Maintaining my normal routine as much as possible

I am very fortunate to have been working remotely for the past 7 years so my lifestyle really hasn’t had to change much at all. But keeping my daily routine has helped to maintain my sense of normalcy which is super helpful in times of uncertainty. 

Even though I can’t go to certain places or hang out with friends and I have to wear protective gear whenever I’m in public, I still try to maintain my basic daily routine. I’m still working (thankfully), still taking care of my dog, exercising, and leaving time for self-care.

5. Strengthening my relationships

This whole situation has made me realize how isolated my regular lifestyle really is lol. But I’m taking the opportunity to check in on friends and be more intentional about connecting with loved ones. 

Checking in is a simple way to say “Hey, I care about how you’re doing”, but it’s also a great way to talk to people I haven’t spoken to in a while and get the conversation going.

Most people have more time on their hands now which is usually the reason why a lot of relationships grow cold - lack of time, life responsibilities, and distractions. I’m finding this is a good time to reconnect with people and have those overdue catch ups.

6. Finding the silver lining

Although a lot sucks right now, not everything sucks and there are some benefits to this whole thing. I’m choosing to cook my own food during this time which has helped me to save money.

I’ve chosen to quarantine with my family since they are now working from home which is allowing me to spend time with them that I otherwise would not have.

I’m free from normal distractions which is allowing me to really focus on certain goals that can be achieved during this time.

I’m getting some much needed “me time” which is giving me the opportunity for introspection, reflection, reevaluation, and change.

People are coming together during this time to support each other. We are seeing innovation from nearly every industry and community and there are multiple ways to get involved.

A post shared by D-Nice (@dnice) on Apr 4, 2020 at 1:22pm PDT

This is no doubt a historical moment that will have lasting effects, but as long as we all keep taking it a day a time (and follow the rules), I think we will be alright. What are you doing to get through this?

Django Unchained

What it’s About: Two years before the Civil War, Django (Jamie Foxx), a slave, finds himself accompanying an unorthodox German bounty hunter named Dr. King Schultz (Christoph Waltz) on a mission to capture the vicious Brittle brothers. Their mission successful, Schultz frees Django, and together they hunt the South's most-wanted criminals. Their travels take them to the infamous plantation of shady Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio), where Django's long-lost wife (Kerry Washington) is still a slave.

Why I Like It: Tarantino doesn’t sugar coat anything. He allows us to see the brutality of the reality of slavery which adds to the emotional satisfaction for the films ending. The acting is superb as well as the writing which some kind of way is able to weave moments of comedy into an otherwise grim storyline. Even if not directly biographical, it’s powerful to see the imagery of attempted freedom from oppression and represents so many real life heroines who achieved it in their own way.

Good For: Underdogs, when you have been underestimated, dealing with oppression, fighting the system.

Hidden Figures

What it’s About: Three brilliant African-American women at NASA -- Katherine Johnson (Taraji P. Henson), Dorothy Vaughan (Octavia Spencer) and Mary Jackson (Janelle Monáe) -- serve as the brains behind one of the greatest operations in history: the launch of astronaut John Glenn (Glen Powell) into orbit, a stunning achievement that restored the nation's confidence, turned around the Space Race and galvanized the world.

Why I Like It: There are fewer things harder than being a Black woman in America. This film explores the challenges of that intersection between sex and race. It’s a feel good film that tells the biographical story directly without unnecessary coloring. The acting is spot on and the movie brings awareness to 3 deserving women who have gone overlooked.

Good For: Women’s empowerment, STEM history, dealing with microaggressions at work, learning how to demand respect for your value.

Dolemite Is My Name

What it’s About: Performer Rudy Ray Moore (Eddie Murphy) develops an outrageous character named Dolemite, who becomes an underground sensation and star of a kung-fu, anti-establisment film that could make or break Moore.

Why I Like It: It’s a comical, uplifting film that keeps you on your toes. It’s really good to see Eddie Murphy back on screen and playing a more complex role that pulls from his comedic and dramatic abilities. It has a Blackity Black cast.

Good For: Betting on and believing in yourself, entrepreneurship, taking risks, defining your path, trailblazing.

The Boy Who Harnessed The Wind

What It’s About: A 13-year-old boy is thrown out of the school he loves when his family can no longer afford the fees. He sneaks into the library and learns how to build a windmill to save his village from a famine.

Why I Like It: This movie had me in my feels! It’s very easy to become emotionally attached to the characters who each have their own unique stories. It is shot very well and the acting feels very natural. It’s a biographical story that is specific and yet universal.

Good For: Innovation, resourcefulness, trailblazing, social responsibility.

The Challenge Before the throes of adulthood strike and we learn about societal expectations and what’s okay for some people and not so okay for others, we as people, are mostly mentally blank slates. The world around us is fresh, exciting, and unlimited. Then, it happens (gasp!). Responsibility. And like a thief in the night, it quietly robs us of focus, sense of purpose, energy, and plain ole leisure.

Before we know it, we’re years down the road of life feeling unfulfilled, unaware, stuck, and empty. And then we die. Albeit, responsible! But dead. And that’s the story for so many of us. 

The Question

So the question becomes “How do I take care of my responsibilities and do what I love?” Insert: The Art of Pursuing Passion I’m going to be honest. As far as I can tell, there isn’t some magical formula that will help you achieve this mighty human feat. It’s called an “art” for a reason. Art is subjective to the artist meaning your path may look a lot different than someone else’s. There are so many life factors that contribute to this that no one’s journey is going to look exactly the same, but I believe there are some overarching principles that can help light your path.

The How 1. Love yourself enough to know that you deserve to do it. The very very beginning is believing that you can actually do it and believing that it’s okay for you to do it. I cannot stress this point enough. This is the start. Without it, nothing else works. Why? Because everyone won’t believe in you. Everybody won’t want to see you do it. Most people will misunderstand. And all you’ll be left with is what you believe about yourself and your own capabilities. Make no mistake, this is a less traveled road for a reason. Allow yourself the opportunity to dream. And dream big, and wildly, and weirdly. Take the limits off of your own mind. Be honest about where you are in your self-love and belief in yourself. Be honest about your capabilities. There is room for celebration and growth. When you get to a confident resolve, then you are ready to begin.

2. But don’t love yourself so much that you feel entitled. Confidence without humility is pride. Pride kills. No seriously. It kills people, relationships, careers, plans...you see where this is going. Understand that this isn’t going to be easy and anyone who told you that or sold you some expensive program to convince you otherwise is a liar. The truth is, we all come into the world with different levels of privilege - some of which can be used to our advantage. But at the end of the day, no one owes us anything. And even if they do, it’s very rare that people actually pay what they owe. So don’t walk around with a chip on your shoulder because someone else got the opportunity and you didn’t. It’s not going to do you any good and the extra weight will only slow down your progress. Plan to work hard. Plan to earn it. And never forget to say “thank you” despite how big or small the opportunity. 

3. Just do it. Literally just start. Here’s the thing: you’ll never actually be doing it if you never start. So what if you don’t have all of the resources right now? So what if you need more education [pro tip: the internet is free!]? Just start. Use what you have. Use what you have to grow what you have until it becomes bigger and more sustainable. Then, repeat. Before you know it, you’ll be doing it. Really doing it. The way you imagined it all those many sweat, blood, and tears ago. Yay!

It’s what I’m doing. Nothing fancy, but when put into practice everyday, makes a major difference over time. So here’s to you, your passion, and staying motivated along the way!