When you Lose your Laugh, You Lose Your Footing

Battiloro, for instance, didn’t lack Niotis’s company or friendship so much as he was angered by her refusal to prioritize him in her considerations. Nor did he escalate because she hated him; he did so because she ignored him. Her indifference was the insult that he couldn’t tolerate.

Loneliness is an emotional state, but recognition panic is a defensive reaction to a perceived threat to status and the entitlements that come with it. Collapsing them is unhelpful and has consequences. (See footnote 2 below for more.)

Among men, the “male loneliness crisis” as a political and media phenomenon is doing very specific work. Mainstream political and media coverage of male loneliness implicitly centers white, college-educated, and economically middle-class men. It centers, in other words, the emotional distress of the group least accustomed to being ignored, while rendering invisible men who are structurally abandoned and women more broadly. This strongly suggests that the real grievance is the loss of centrality and recognition, not social isolation per se.

Even when advocates go out of their way to provide intersectional analyses, the media strips out gender, class, and race specificity. Among Black men, for instance, suicide rates have risen significantly over the past ten years. Yet this shift receives only a fraction of the attention devoted to the more extensive male loneliness narrative. Poor and working-class men are also lonelier and more at risk than higher-wage-earning men, and yet there is no particular focus on either.

Here’s what definitely doesn’t and won’t work: Teaching boys that they will feel better if they are always centered does not prepare them for a world in which they will not be the way they once were. This only produces stressed-out and status-anxious men, as we are seeing so vividly today, who experience equality of any kind as erasure and threat. Yet, many well-meaning attempts to address men’s distress deepen complex problems by doubling down on men’s centrality rather than widening the field of both problems and solutions.

Precarious manhood is at the heart of masculinity crises.

At the core of this issue and the violence it breeds is that our society continues to essentially tell boys and men they have no intrinsic self-worth. Masculinity, in other words, as sociologist have explained for decades, a precarious state. Masculine identity, in theory a biological state that is fixed, is really an achievement that has to be earned, publicly performed, and reconfirmed continuously. It has to be proved over and over.

This means, for instance, that a single perceived failure — maybe a woman who outperforms a man or withholds deference or a person who doesn’t conform to hegemonic cis hetero norms — registers as a threat, propelling aggressive and disproportionate reactions.

This is also why trans people are so threatening. Conservatives keep the focus of their scapegoating on “men in women’s sports and bathrooms” as a danger. However, the real threat is to precarious manhood on multiple levels. Trans existence makes the performance of gender explicit. If manhood can be given up, transitioned into, or claimed by anyone, then it can’t be the fixed, essential category that the entire edifice of male supremacy is built on. I’m not suggesting this is a logical argument being consciously made, but this is why right-wing reaction to trans life is so disproportionate to the actual social or political footprint of trans people.

Today, queer and trans people’s lives are threatening male supremacy for the same reason women’s independence is threatening: all refuse the terms on which patriarchal masculinity depends. You cannot perpetuate precarious manhood without the gender binary. But to have the binary you have to police and enforce it at all times. The violence we live with follows from this logic to a tee.

From this perspective, the Manosphere as a Precarious Manhood Pyramid Scheme comes sharply into focus. What is a man, in this frame, if he cannot effortlessly demonstrate dominance over women, or gain access to them, or prove their dependence on him? If he has to compete against a woman and loses? If he has to earn women’s regard rather than assume it? He doesn’t just lose a relationship or work; he loses legibility within the system of male supremacist hierarchy on which his sense of self has been built. In fast-changing, uncertain times, boys and men are particularly vulnerable to pressure to “self-optimize” to keep up and compete for women, jobs, status, cars, and money. Online or off, the rage and contempt directed at women, especially those who distance themselves from men for any reason at all, is real, but its primary audience isn’t women but other men.

Recognition in crisis is the engine of the backlash politics, the vicious assemblies, and the firehose of assaults on women that we see every day. Men and male supremacist institutions are defensively responding to the withdrawal of a default centrality with the full range of tools and weapons available to them: from legislation to lawsuits to public harassment to interpersonal and political violence.”]

the last time I reblogged this post right before I got a great job, in a permanent work-from-home position, with benefits, retirement, and a salary literally 3x what I was making before, doing something I really like. 

So you know. 

@everything-you-feel-is-real I know by tumblr tradition that I'm to say "impossible, my posts never blow up like that," or "please don't do this to me."

"Copy. Moon joy."

"I have two Microsoft Outlooks, and neither one of those are working."

"Houston, if you could give me about 20 new superlatives in the mission summary for tomorrow that will help out my vocabulary a little bit, that would be great. Thank you."

“If you’ve ever seen the top of the spotlight of the top of the Luxor at night in Vegas, this looks like what it wants to be when it grows up.”

"To all of you down there on Earth... we love you, from the moon. See you on the other side."

"We just went sci fi.

"It is so great to see Earth again. To Asia, Africa, and Oceania: we are looking back at you. We hear you can look up and see the moon right now. We see you too."

"We will always choose Earth. We will always choose each other."

“It’s a bright spot on the moon, and we would like to call it Carroll.” (The name of Commander Reid Wiseman's late wife)

"Amaze amaze amaze."

"I said that we do not leave Earth, but we choose it. And that is true."

"Christina has been sleeping head down in the middle of the vehicle, kind of like a bat"

"It's really fun to be floatin' around, it just makes me feel like a little kid."

"Trust us, you look amazing, you look beautiful."

"'Homo Sapiens' is all of us, no matter where you're from or what you look like. We're all one people."

"We're going to power cycle the toilet from the ground."

"I'm proud to call myself the Space Plumber."

"We were all eagerly awaiting the chorus." (After Mission Control cut off Pink Pony Club early when waking up the crew)

"Copy heart. Copy bracelet." (In response to Wiseman giving his daughters heart hands and showing them the bracelets they made him that he was wearing)

“Welcome back. We are still here. They are in space.”

"Copy. Bubble wrap nominal."

"We have rediscovered the chocolate snacks."

“The truth is, the moon really is its own body in the universe. It's not just a poster in the sky that goes by, it is a real place."

“We will build ships. We will visit again. We will construct science outposts. We will drive rovers, we will do radio astronomy.”

"I've seen a lot of new perspectives, but my perspective has not changed because I launched with the perspective that there is enough for all." (After being asked if they had a new view on humankind.)

"On behalf of all Canadians, we wanted some reassurances of your preferences for maple syrup over Nutella on your pancakes."

Sometimes, what you need to do is literally ask for a refill. I know that can be scary and upsetting and requires you to be willing to be vulnerable, but please consider two things:

One: if what you want to do is be able to fill other people's cups, you can't fill from an empty cup. You literally can't do the work if you're emptied out. You need to do this so you can help.

Two: for the people that love you, the people that really matter, you aren't imposing on them by asking for a refill. This is one of the things I really internalized from coming home to Judaism: when someone asks me to help them, they're giving me the opportunity to perform a mitzvah. No matter your belief system or outlook, I think we can probably all agree that being given an opportunity to be more awesome is pretty great.

So ask. Here are a few scripts you can try.

"Hey, I am...

... having a bad day.

... really struggling.

... really hurting because of the state of the world.

... having a hard time focusing on positive things.

... feeling emptied out.

Could you please help me? I could really use...

... some company.

... to hear about something beautiful you saw today.

... to hear some good news.

... to see a picture of your pet.

... to be told something you like about me.

... to be reminded of something I do that you like.

... your silliest new meme.

... to go for a walk with you.

... to hear about your favorite show.

... a hug."

I have genuinely never asked my friends to love me a little bit louder and gotten anything but an outpouring of support.

I need to remind people they too can ask me for a refill.

But her family. Holy shit.

First off, it’s p much ALL women, and mostly UNMARRIED women, which at this time means of something happens to her dad then you’re financially responsible for like. Four grown ass adults, potentially forever

Because mom in law is DEFINITELY gonna need someone to take care of her when dad in law kicks it, and they have like. NO money. So already you’re accepting that if all goes well, you’re gonna be one random old bag’s retirement home. That’s expensive and exhausting, yeah? Imagine asking someone on a first date knowing that if they say yes and things go good her high-strung chihuahua mother is gonna move in with you. IMAGINE.

And girly’s other sisters. Well, one is a sweetheart, yeah, and she’s getting engaged so she probably won’t be an issue, but that still leaves two more, and those ones are INSUFFERABLE. Never went to school, dumb as rocks, spend cash like it’s toilet paper

And while one of ‘em’s young still and might grow out of it the OTHER one is actively torpedo’ing her entire family’s reputation by wandering off with random dudes and chasing ass. She’s never gonna work, she can’t build connections, she’s a fucking sinkhole, and she’s being led on by the same goddamn con man ass leeching tit who’s been bleeding you dry while telling anyone who’ll listen that your family is full of ratty thieving bastards.

And if he dumps her after a week- WHICH YOU KNOW HIS BITCH ASS IS GONNA- you’ve got a SECOND UNMARRIABLE GROWN ASS ADULT TO PROVIDE FOR. And you KNOW she’s gonna be a tantrum-throwing little shit about it, and it’s not like you can lock her in the basement or something, you’re gonna have to bring her fucking. Everywhere. And give her an allowance and shit while she contributes zero, because again, she NEVER GOT EDUCATED AND HAS NO MARKETABLE SKILLS. She’s not even good to TALK to. FUCK

And you’re looking at this girl’s father like “please for the love of fuck get your spawn under control, marry them off, get them working on their résumé, learning to sew or be nursemaids or manage staff or SOMETHING, yall got no money and one foot in the grave” and that old man just laughs like “haha yeah, what can you do. lol”

So you’re looking to the mom and finally it’s making sense how she got that twitch in her eye and as MUCH as she is you’re starting to realize she’s the SMART one, desperately throwing her armloads of girls at random men like they’re a bunch of fucking lifeboats bobbing around a sinking ship, like yes Jesus Christ sweetly that life boat IS old and ugly and kind of boring but for FUCKS SAKE PICK ONE

And you look back at this girl who is ALSO REFUSING THE LIFE BOATS BY THE WAY and god damn it she’s still the most radiant thing you’ve ever seen so fine, fuck it, Christ alive, you’ll do it. You’ll shoot your shot. She’s everything you’ve ever wanted in anybody abut it’s not even just about that anymore, it’s about being her best fucking shot at a future, and even if she doesn’t like you all that much she’s still gonna say yes and that might break your heart a bit knowing it’s about the money but who knows, maybe it will at least be civil, or companionable, and even if she doesn’t LOVE you at least you’ll know she’s well and cared for

And so you’ll do it. You’ll take on the neurotic stress mess mother in law, the absent father, the broke ass wingnut no brain no money no future airhead sisters, the bad mannered relatives and the embarrassing behaviour and the impending future of sharing your entire shit with a clown parade of freeloaders, you’ll risk it all and accept the absolute certainty of financial ruin and emotional exhaustion for the rest of your whole ass life and you’ll make your own family deal with it too, you’ll do it, you’ll fucking DO IT, you stupid lovesick motherfucker

And so you go to this chick like “look. Your whole family’s a shitshow. You’ve got fucking nothing and you’re gonna die on the street. But for some reason- and I don’t get it either- I’ve fallen in love with you, and I wish I didn’t, but I did, so I’m telling you that whether you like me or not, I’ll give you everything. I’ll give you everything even if it’s the dumbest shit I ever done. Fuck my stupid Baka ass, I’ll marry you.”

And she looks at you- having heard or considered absolutely none of your months-long internal debate and monologue- and goes “The fuck did you just say about my family, you son of a bitch?”

And the shock of that is enough to jolt you back into a reality where you are able to actually hear and process what just came out of your damn mouth And yeah

Somewhere along the line, we decided that any repeated behavior, any source of pleasure, any coping mechanism, any habit that isn’t monk-like and productivity-optimized must be labeled an addiction. You like scrolling art before you create? Addiction. You watch comfort shows after work? Addiction. You check your phone in line at the grocery store? Addiction. You drink coffee with breakfast? Addiction. The word has been stretched so thin it barely means anything anymore, except “a behavior I personally disapprove of.”

Addiction is not “I enjoy stimulation.” It is not “I have habits.” It is not “I seek input before I produce output.” Addiction is a specific, devastating pattern of compulsion, harm, loss of control, and often self-destruction. It dismantles relationships. It corrodes trust. It hijacks the reward system so thoroughly that survival itself becomes secondary. It is not equivalent to liking Pinterest boards or needing music to focus.

When everything becomes addiction, nothing is. The language gets diluted, and with it, the gravity of what actual addiction is. People who have clawed their way out of substance abuse know the difference between compulsion and preference, between destructive dependence and deliberate engagement. Collapsing those distinctions into a trendy moral panic about “dopamine” is not enlightened. It’s sloppy. Unserious, even.

There’s also something deeply puritanical about it. The 2020s seem obsessed with pathologizing pleasure. If something feels good, it must be suspect. If it captures your attention, it must be hijacking your brain. If it isn’t explicitly productive, it must be rot. We’ve replaced older moral frameworks with neuroscience-flavored shame, but the tone is the same: you are wrong for enjoying things.

What bothers me most is how casually the word is thrown around in creative spaces. If you gather inspiration through music, images, movement, conversation, suddenly you’re “stimulus addicted.” If you can’t brute-force a novel in a silent white room with no input, you lack discipline. Never mind that many artists throughout history have relied on immersion, community, environment, and cross-media inspiration. Now it’s framed as weakness, as though the only legitimate art is produced under self-imposed sensory austerity.

This framing flattens nuance. There is a difference between avoidance and incubation. There is a difference between doomscrolling to numb out and deliberately engaging with material that fuels your imagination. There is a difference between compulsively chasing a hit and consciously choosing input that enriches your work. But nuance doesn’t trend. Alarmism does.

There’s also a strange individualizing move happening here. Instead of asking why people are exhausted, overstimulated, underpaid, isolated, or burnt out, we zoom in on their coping mechanisms and label them addictions. Instead of examining structural monotony, economic precarity, and social fragmentation, we scold individuals for having “bad dopamine habits.” It’s easier to diagnose people’s scrolling than to confront the conditions that make endless scrolling appealing.

Calling everything an addiction also erases agency. It suggests that people are perpetually hijacked by their brains, incapable of intentional choice unless they purge all sources of easy stimulation. That’s not empowering. It’s infantilizing. Adults are capable of enjoying things without being enslaved by them. Adults can have rituals, comforts, and creative processes without it being pathology.

When I hear the word “addiction” tossed around to describe normal human behavior, it doesn’t sound like insight. It sounds like moral grandstanding dressed up in pop psychology. And for those of us who have actually lived through the wreckage of substance abuse and fought to reclaim control, it feels like watching something serious get turned into a meme.

you can browse the collection here

sign up for a QLL card to check ebooks & audiobooks out

If you find any mistakes in the links let me know and I'll edit. This post will be in two parts, because I literally broke tumblr with how many authors there were. I think it's about a hundred and fifty.

Faridah Àbíké-Íyímídé - speculative fiction

Marguerite Abouet - graphic novels

Elizabeth Acevedo - fiction, poetry

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie - fiction

Tomi Adeyemi - young adult fantasy

K Ancrum - speculative contemporary young adult

Lily Anderson - fiction

Ashley Antoinette - fiction

Ama Ata Aidoo - poetry, fiction, plays

Kemi Ashing Giwa - speculative fiction

Kalynn Bayron - young adult, fantasy

Malorie Blackman - childrens' books, young adult

Natasha Bowen - fantasy

Gwendolyn Brooks - poetry

Natasha Brown - fiction

NoViolet Bulawayo - fiction

Constance Burris - speculative fiction

CL Clark - fantasy, speculative fiction

Wahida Clark - urban fiction

Lucille Clifton - poetry, fiction

Alyssa Cole - romance, thrillers, graphic novels

Kamilah Cole - fiction

Claire Coleman - fiction, essays, poetry

Maryse Condé - fiction, non-fiction, plays

Emma Dabiri - non-fiction

Edwidge Danticat - fiction

Angela Davis - philosophy

Carolina Maria De Jesus - memoir

Hayley Dennings - fiction

Tracy Deonn - fiction

Nicky Drayden - speculative fiction

Tananarive Due - horror, comics

Camille Dungy - memoir, poetry

Esi Edugyan - fiction

Zetta Elliot - childrens' books, teen fiction, adult fiction

Bernardine Evaristo - fiction

Conceição Evaristo - fiction, non-fiction

Eve Ewing - poetry, fiction, non-fiction, comics

Radna Fabias - poetry

Namina Forna - young adult fantasy

Latoya Ruby Frazier - non-fiction

Stella Gaitano - fiction

Camryn Garrett - fiction, middle grade

Roxane Gay - fiction, non-fiction, comics

Nicole Glover - fantasy, speculative fiction

Nikki Giovanni - poetry, essays

Jewelle Gomez - fiction, plays

Annette Gordon-Reed - non-fiction (history)

Pumla Dineo Gqola - non-fiction

Deanna Grey - romance

Yaa Gyasi - fiction

Andrea Hairston - fiction

Lorraine Hansberry - plays

Saidiya Hartman - non-fiction, theory

Alexis Henderson - dark speculative fiction

Adriana Herrera - romance

Talia Hibbert - romance

bell hooks - fiction, non-fiction, poetry

Pauline Hopkins - fiction, non-fiction, plays

Nalo Hopkinson - speculative fiction

Jordan Ifueko - comics, fantasy, young adult

Samantha Irby - non-fiction

Justina Ireland - science fiction, fantasy, comics

Meka James - contemporary and erotic romance

Tiffany D Jackson - young adult

Beverly Jenkins - romance

Alaya Dawn Johnson - speculative fiction

Micaiah Johnson - science fiction

Mariame Kaba - non-fiction

Petals Kalulé - fiction, poetry [Petals is noted as using she/they, I'm not 100% sure of their gender identity and past a certain point it feels weird to investigate too much]

Mikki Kendall - fiction, non-fiction

Jamaica Kincaid - fiction, non-fiction

Zaire Krieger - poetry

Nella Larsen - fiction

Karmen Lee - romance

Kirsten R. Lee - young adult

Margot Lee Shetterly - non-fiction

Terry Macmillen - fiction

Robin Maynard - non-fiction

Amber Mcbride - poetry, young adult

Janet Mock - non-fiction, screenwriting

Brittney Moris - comics, young adult, fantasy

Bethany C Morrow - fiction, science fiction, young adult

Leila Mottley - fiction, poetry

Beatriz Nascimento - non-fiction

Leticia Nascimento - I think non-fiction primarily

Gloria Naylor - fiction

Zora Neale Hurston - fiction, non-fiction

Grace Nichols - poetry

Siphiwe Gloria Ndlovu - fiction

Trifonia Melibea Obono - fiction

Shirlene Obuobi - comics, fiction

Nnendi Okorafor - science fiction

Melatu Uche Okorie - fiction

Chinelo Okparanta - fiction

Helen Oyeyemi - fiction

Nell Painter - non-fiction

Morgan Parker - poetry, non-fiction

Nikki Payne - romance

Koleka Putuma - plays, poetry

Claudia Rankine - poetry, plays, non-fiction

Sarah Raughley - young adult

Dia Reeves - fantasy, horror, science fiction

Kiley Reid - fiction

Stacy Reid - romance

Djamila Ribero - philosophy

Legacy Russell - fiction, non-fiction, poetry

Layla F. Saad - non-fiction

Sofia Samatar - fiction, non-fiction

Liselle Sambury - fantasy

Analeigh Sbrana - romance, fantasy

Namwali Serpell - fiction

Ntozake Shange - plays, poetry

Christina Sharpe - non-fiction

Nisi Shawl - fiction, alternate history

Jamison Shea - dark fantasy/horror

Patricia Smith - poet

Tracy K Smith - poet

Zadie Smith - fiction

Sister Souljah - fiction

Kiki Swinson - fiction

Mildred D Taylor - young adult/children's lit

Katerina Teaiwa - non-fiction

Teresia Teaiwa - poetry

Angie Thomas - young adult, middle grade

Leah Thomas - non-fiction

Spike Trotman - comics

Tloto Tsamaase - science fiction

Nikki Turner - urban fiction

Maxine Tynes - poetry

Ngozi Ukazu - comics

Shola von Reinhold - fiction

Wanjikũ wa Ngũgĩ - fiction

Jasmine Walls - graphic novels

Alice Walker - fiction, non-fiction, poetry

Jesmyn Ward - fiction

Monica West - fiction

Phyllis Wheatley-Peters - poetry

Rita Williams-Garcia - young adult, middle grade

Stephanie Williams - comics, non-fiction

Tia Williams - fiction, romance

Raquel Willis - non-fiction

Jamila Woods - poetry

Jacqueline Woodson - childrens' books, young adult, fiction, poetry

Alexis Wright - fiction, non-fiction

Zane - erotic fiction

Oyinkan Braithwaite - Fiction