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you truly do not exist for other pplās consumption and your existence is not hinged on making others happy and comfortable by stifling and hiding and crushing and editing parts of yourself to be less than who you really are
āI exist.ā In thousands of agonies ā I exist. Iām tormented on the rack ā but I exist! Though I sit alone in a pillar ā I exist! I see the sun, and if I donāt see the sun, I know itās there. And thereās a whole life in that, in knowing that the sun is there.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov (via dollymyfolly)
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āBut in the end, stories are about one person saying to another: This is the way it feels to me. Can you understand what Iām saying? Does it feel this way to you?ā
ā Kazuo Ishiguro, in his 2017 Nobel prize acceptance speech (via smiththeteacher)
"I was so in love with you, and I couldn't find the way to say it." X "You can't say 'no' and then be angry when I move on with somebody else."
"I was so in love with you, and I couldn't find the way to say it."
There was something... strange in the air; a thick feeling of an emotion Tobias' hadn't felt in quite some time. He'd only been able to recognize the familiar feeling once the girl had taken a seat across from him, slinking into the chair mere inches away from him. For months, the man had run this reunion through in his head, fixated on what he were to say if they were to meet again. But nothing could have prepared him for this encounter.
The reasoning for his anxiety was still unclear to him, as he had believed himself to have freed his mind of all thoughts of Anna, hastily attempting to replace them with cheap booze and working from dawn to dusk. But no matter what, underneath the haze of cigarette smoke or poorly-lit faces in between his sheets, there was always something pulling him back to her. She'd always had that effect. But he'd grown tired of her petty tricks, and as he stared back at her, his eyes were dim and lifeless, his ancient obsession had made him dreadfully unkind.
"What's happened to you, Tobias?" Anna inquired, hardly making herself comfortable, as her eyes kept flickering towards the door of the bar, and her hands wrapped around her cellphone. He couldn't deny that the young girl had grown into herself, her days of youth still shining on her face, yet she had become well-defined, mature. Something he admired. Her question made him laugh, and sit back in his chair for a moment, before reaching down to light a cigarette.
"Happened to me?" He retorted, "Why, that question holds many answers, doesn't it?" He took a drag and blew it upwards, still thinking of the girl in front of him, though he didn't understand why.
"Cut the bullshit, Tobias. For once in your life, could you say something real? Without all of your pretentious gibberish." She shot back. This took him by surprise. He hadn't seen her in ages, why did he expect things to have changed? Redirecting his thoughts, he looked upon her face again, slowly taking in the time that had passed. Letting out a sigh, he took another drag of his cigarette before putting it out.
"You want real, Anna?" He took a pause, lowering his eyes, scanning the table for something to say; anything, and nothing that existed, trying to hold the courage he'd built but finding it increasingly hard to do so. "Fine, Anna. I'll be honest with you. But just this once, because you asked so nicely." A beat. "You, happened." He finally replied, letting a small breath quiver out from his lips before shutting them tightly.
Her eyes shifted from his to her phone for a moment, as if she herself were collecting the thoughts that raced in her mind. He couldn't remember the last time that he'd found her lost for words. He wasn't sure if he would consider it a small victory, or an instant regret. Once she looked back up at him, he knew, but it was only a feeling.
"I know."
Was that all she could say to him? He let out a soft chuckle and began to get up from the table, but before he could, her hand had reached his, and he was once again weak.
"I'm sorry," she started, but Tobias hardly wanted to hear it.
"Anna," He interjected, "Please. Save it for someone who can believe it."
"Tobias." She pleaded, her grip upon his hand grew stronger, as if she were clinging onto the words she was trying to say.
"What's done is done," He stated, removing his hand from hers, "No need to replay the past." As he stood above her, he wondered how he'd ever let himself fall under power of such a small creature. But her energy, even just being across from it, was intoxicating.
"I'm sorry I never told you, Tobias. I was so in love with you, and I couldn't find the way to say it."
"So was I," He answered. "But time heals all.ā Or so he hoped.
"Do you know how much sleep I've lost over you?" // "I have taken bullets, and punches, and all sorts of hits. But, nothing... no pain compares to loving you.ā // āI was so in love with you, and I couldn't find the way to say it.ā (tobias x ana cuz ouchie)
"I've taken bullets, and punches, and all sorts of hits. But, nothing... no pain compares to loving you."
Her parents had determined Ethan was a suitable match. He was from a wealthy family (that paid their taxes, well, enough taxes, that is), ivy-league educated (like her), and he loved her. Ana's mom reminded her that above all, he loved her.
And Ana knew this was true. Ethan worshipped the ground she walked on. They'd been together over a year now and he still opened doors for her, kissed her on the cheek when he got home from work, and cooked her breakfast on Sundays even when she had all the luxuries of being the president's daughter in her D.C. penthouse. The tabloids loved the two of them, dubbing them America's Meghan and Harry.
But he wasn't Tobias. He didn't make her feel the way she did whenever she'd even glance towards Tobias. Feel his energy weigh heavy in the room.
After Ana had graduated from Georgetown and began medical school at Johns Hopkins, she met Ethan at some gala where he was representing the law firm he had now recently made partner at. She promptly moved out to be closer to med school. Secret Service had determined Tobias would be reassigned to her father's detail as his international travels grew more necessarily with conflict. The last she saw of him was the night of her graduation party, when she stumbled upon the records he left for her. Never to find closure. Tobias didn't want to be seen by her, it appeared, so she had moved on. Three years had passed, she wasn't even sure he still worked for the service.
Tonight, however, Ana was in the White House. She made her way gingerly through the corridors. It had been so long since they'd crossed paths, but Ana still felt her heart race whenever the potential of seeing him passed through her thoughts. She dug her fingernails into her palms, bracing herself for impact.
Then the sirens started. Agents raced around her, codes blaring, hushed tones. Secret service agent wounded, the Eagle has been jeopardized.
"Dad?!" Ana yelled as he was rushed towards the bunker, engulfed in agents. Her eyes raced for any sign of Tobias, his styled hair, his glassesāany sign.
"You gotta save my daughter," her dad's voice gruffly demanded, "my daughterāAna, it's going to be okay."
And then he disappeared, behind an unmarked secret door. The lights still flashed but no one was around her, instructing her what to do next. Until someone grabbed her from behind, pulling her into a safe room, and locking the door.
She knew who it was the second their bodies touched. Her back against his chest, electrified. The lights shut off, only a dim flood light illuminating their space.
"Tobias," she exhaled in a sigh of relief and anger all at once. He had avoided her for so long. His stoic eyes stared back at her before he grimaced, crouching onto the floor.
"Tobias, what's wrong?" She kneeled beside him, watching him grip his arm. Ana began to panicāwas he the agent down?
Tobias shook his head, as if reading her thoughts through the look of concern on her face. "The bullet grazed me and hit Agent Carter," he explained, wincing nonetheless.
"Can I?" She cooed gently, wanting to comfort his pain. He nodded stiffly, looking anywhere but into her eyes, even as she sought them out. The blueness she got lost in so many times.
Ana's hands were always stableāsurgeon's hands, her attending told her many times, as if reminding her of her aspirations. They quivered now, barely noticeable to the human eye. Perhaps it was adrenaline, perhaps it was the way her fingers went numb when she made contact with the buttons of his shirt, slowly removing them so she could peel back the material past his shoulder.
She tried not to stare at his defined chest, remembering the one moment they shared, the night she devoted her entire self to him, and he still caged up. Ana swallowed the pit in her throat, looking at the graze wound. She unclipped her bag quietly, taking out the spare gauze and alcohol wipes.
"So you're a doctor now, huh?" Tobias asked, his tone lighter then she expected. She met his eyes, her eyebrows furrowing the way it did many times when they teased each other. He looked away and cleared his throat. He was serious now: "Becoming one, I mean."
Her heart ached from the missed connection. She nodded, reaching out her hand for him, "You can hold onto me, this might hurt."
Tobias didn't reach out. He didn't say a word. Ana looked down and focused on the wound, tears stinging behind her eyes. She refused to cry for him again. She attempted to return to character, "Suit yourself."
She held the alcohol wipe to his bleeding wound, perhaps gripping a bit too tightly, if only to make him feel the pain she did when he left without a word. Ana could see him bite down on his lip and tense. His hand gripped her shoulder and her heart dropped to her stomach.
He still held onto her as Ana bandaged up the wound, now her fingers were trembling. She met his eyes when she finished.
"I've taken bullets, and punches, and all sorts of hits. But, nothing... no pain compares to loving you," he whispered, and his eyes were finally expressive, she could see into them, the vast ocean.
The silence stood thick between them, the tension a familiar guest who made an appearance after so many years. She stared into his eyes but then began to search his face, her gaze falling on her lips. Her hand moved from his shoulder to the back of his head, closing the distance between them, feeling her body float into space as their lips met.
Vinyls. Just like when Ana came storming into his room, demanding attention the first time. And just like all the times after it. Ana always noticed his record player, tucked into a corner in his room, always playing one thing or another. Always old though ā Ana knew Tobias was an old man at heart. Maybe that was part of his charm.
Eventually, Tobias had convinced Ana to get one on her own. They stumbled upon it together at an old vintage store in Washington D.C., away from wandering eyes. In the old record store they could listen to so many songs, sway along to the beat, and have their arms brush, their fingers touch. Close, but not too close.
Ana had been occupied all day by her family, the press, and more. After all, she had just graduated from Georgetown. But her mind always wandered off to Tobias, knowing he was packing away his belongings. The moment they shared before she walked into her graduation venue created a deep pit in her stomach. That wasnāt how she wanted to say goodbye.
She had gotten back to her room around 11pm, checking her phone again and again, as she took of her makeup and slid out of her dress. As she tied her hair out of her face, she put on an old sweatshirt sheād stolen from him long ago. The tears welled up in her eyes as she breathed in his cologne.
A noise drew her attention towards the corner of her room where her door was. Her heart began to raceā Could it be? That he hadnāt left yet?
But as the creaking subsided, so did Anaās hopes. He had left without saying goodbye.
And then she noticed a glimmer of moonlight reflecting on her record playerāsomething was there. Ana walked over and saw the new records on her player. Gently, she picked up the letter on the vinyls.
āAna ā I picked these for you. Every one of these albums reminds me of you. I wanted to stick around until after your party ended, but I couldnāt bring myself to say goodbye to your face. I didnāt want to accept that this was all over. I hope youāll remember me as much as Iāll remember youāand always turn to these records in your happiest moments and in your saddest. I do wish I couldāve told you I love you for the first time before all this had to end. But I do love youāā
She slowly slid down against the wall beside her record player. Her tears had grown far too much and now, she could barely finish reading the note. Slowly, Ana began to sob, quietlyābut with deep sadness. She clutched the note to her heart, closed her eyes, and gasped out, āI love you too.ā
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch ā¢ No registration required ā¢ HD streaming
Hug Me: My character will hug yours. Either by surprise or for a specific reason.
The space between them was electrifying as their bodies swayed gently against the motion of the car, no sound being made except for the soft hum of the engine. He couldnāt bring himself to look at her in that moment, the thought of her being handed her freedom on stage, her diploma legally releasing her from his care, racing through his mind. Looking out from the open window, the sweat on his brow reminded him of how they always kept the windows rolled down on drives, since Ana preferred hot to cold, and although Tobias would be perfectly fine amongst the snow, he would oblige the girl of one personal happiness.
The car stopped in front of the venue of her graduation, and it was a cause for celebration all throughout the White House, but he couldnāt come to find the joy in it. Before he could even park the car she was halfway out the door, dropping her graduation cap before slamming the door shut and walked towards the venue. He knew why she was angry, and he couldnāt blame her ā the communication between them was lacking and while she spent hours telling him about her life heād avoided unloading at all costs. It had reached the breaking point the few weeks leading up to her graduation, and this was the cataclysmic shock wave to send it all crumbling down.
And although she was already halfway inside the convention center, Tobias grabbed her cap from the floor of the car and hopped out to call out her name. She stopped in her tracks, her blond tresses whipping across her face and she looked back to meet the gaze of her caller. Lifting up the cap, Tobias was offering a small peace treaty, helping her still although sheād never ask for it. He knew she didnāt want to walk back to him, standing there glaring at him for at least a full minute before returning to him slowly, reaching out for the cap insistently.
āItā It might be best if I put it on you. Donāt need you to go breaking a nail or anything.ā
His words were met with a light jab to his shoulder, and he smiled as he accepted the consequences for his remarks. But at least it had made her smile, too. Even if it were just for a few seconds.
After fixing the cap onto her head, he readjusted a few strands of her hair, pulling one so that his hand would glide ever so gently against her cheek. The touch of her skin had always made him come alive, ever since the first night in that pool room. Her hands always made him jump slightly, an effect she knew she had from the moment they met. But now, it was her who shivered against his touch, and this made Tobias instinctively grab her whole face in his hands.
āDonāt make us say goodbye like this.ā
She said nothing, but looked up at him with eyes that heād seen many times before, yet they were so fantastically new and magical each time. And though they didnāt speak again, he pulled her into his chest softly, wrapping his arms around her, not letting go until she did.
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