lmao i wanna die

finding out what led up to jax irl person leaving and eventually putting the headset on kinda hurt in a way I didn't expect LMAO

that and their name being lee mateo and me going "no that sounds too filipino FUCK" and my brain deciding to connect it to irl things just suck

including the part where the mom fell OWW cause one of the leading reasons why my mom finally accepted hospitalization is cause her cancer was starting to paralyze her and she keeps telling me I pushed her when no she fell and i didnt have the strength to hold her up and I fucking froze

eugh the mind is a strange thing let me just enjoy things

mentally am not doing the best but its not as bad as it was when i was living with her. went through an episode recently that i cant identify why it happened other than it did- depression decided to be the biggest bitch than it usually is

brain is dumb and is averse to change unless its an extreme to myself. if i had access to therapy i could at least try to get that part of my brain to shut up or focus that energy elsewhere. like pls fix the executive function part of my brain so i can get shit done lol

in my experience ppl who are really heavy into darker media and/or cutesy innocent media have a higher chance of being assholes. not all obviously but when you start talking to them and get a feel for their personality you could tell. idk there's always some sense of truth to some stereotypes ie the person with the uwu anime pic will say some deplorable shit and send you gore type beat. I've seen it happen more with ppl in there early 20s and it's personally one of the reasons why I try not to hyperfixate on stuff and why I fandom jump a lot (or at least try to balance my consumption of horror and slice of stuff lol). it can still happen with ppl in their 30s just at a smaller rate. can also be worse too bc they're way more aware of the impact of their behavior to others

this is the best way to explain how my brain is digesting it *shrugs* obviously not just related to age ranges but eh

ive been on my own for about the last 3 weeks and while im not the happiest, its the most stable i've been in my life

i hope to fucking god that this landlord will understand and get me off this fucking lease so i can find my own place, ive been paying it mostly on my own (or at least 75% of it) since april? maybe since march. rent is 1151. i have $400 left over atm with all my needs met on part time pay somehow. her bills not included cause fuck that

i can actually fucking budget my money when its not being stolen. if i have to pay some cut off fees thats fine i can fucking live with that. that and my friends are willing to loan me money once she either loses complete access to it or im able to switch to a different bank

like i still kinda like the media but HOLY SHIT THE FANS DUDE

like im still processing shit that happened at the beginning of this year that made me go "wow! these people were never my friends and i was just fucking strung along again to be the one shit talked behind my back AGAIN"

this shit was over me struggling to have the motivation to draw and choosing to fucking participate in other hobbies like gaming. for fucks sakes i now realise the reason why i didnt want to draw and post it around them is due to how fucking mean they were getting. they were the very people i didnt want to see my shit because they shittalked other members of the fanbase.

legitimately why is that a group dynamic. is it a form of 'keep your friends close and enemies closer'???? fucking hell

its one of those things where yes these people are now blocked and gone from my life but i also dont want other people getting hurt from them. like i can actively see one of my mutuals interacting with them and im like dude. that bitch blamed me for my abuse. that bitch tagged another bitch whos from the same group whos probably in SHED twitter and its blatantly obvious on her OC and the shit she posts. i wont be surprised if that one bullies others to get an ED due to the shit she would say

why do people think leaving abusive situations are easy